Suburban Bliss:: Birth Control Via The Written Word

Hot Gnome On Gnome Action.

The computer is back, it was the thingie where the thingie gets plugged into the whole thing. They had to replace it and then they gave me $130! Well, they gave me $130 when they realized my battery was not actually faulty and didn't require a replacement.

I've been keeping busy working on Logan's computer this week. I posted more at Ordering Disorder on my Deceptively Delicious experiment and I seriously thought I'd love this book and I hated the early chatter about Jessica Seinfeld getting a book just because her husband is Jerry Seinfeld. But I don't know her recipes seem to suck huge amounts of ass, I'm going to end up using my leftover recipe purees in my regular recipes when appropriate and see how that goes. You should read about it there.

I also wrote a little about taking better Halloween photos at the Buzz Off. It's too bad I couldn't find any tips about photographing your kid's crappy $25 polyester costumes so they look reasonably creative or interesting. I did the best I could anyway.

My sister in law sent along some pictures from the big event last weekend, I put them in an album because I didn't take any photos from the night because I was too busy trying to hold onto my gallon jug sized solo cup of beer.

Sometimes, when I look at pictures of my siblings and I, I think I was adopted.

My sister in law came up with a great ice breaker for the party. On your name tag you were to write who you are to the guest of honor. Some were funnier.....than mine which sucked. Again, I couldn't think because I was trying to dock my jet ski in my beer. Here is George's tag, please note my brother is the union president.

This is proof my sister in law really loves my brother even though he wears garish pants to parties and attempts to lick her in public and then drinks his face off at his birthday. She bought him authentic German fornicating gnomes.

It plays You Are My Sunshine.

I only hope we all find that kind of love someday.

Horrifying.

I am stuck on Logan's computer. My computer is being gently nursed back to health by Steve Jobs (wearing a sexy nurse's outfit).

This is unfortunate since he has to actually use his computer which means I can not use his computer in the evenings.

I might have to actually read a book or something. I may also have to 'manage my time' more effectively so I don't fall behind on work.

shudder.

Freedom

Logan's computer is stunningly fast. This could have something to do with the fact that my computer is a few years old and currently has about 300 megabytes of space left on it, down from some reasonable amount of gigabytes when I first got it. My computer probably has a little indigestion and can't really get Photoshop started in a reasonable amount of time because he's bloated, all right? Leave him alone and maybe pull some of these pictures off your hard drive once in a while.

My computer has begun doing this really fun thing where, while I'm typing it just *BOOM* shuts off! On the bright side I've become quite adept at saving often, on the dark side I continue to lose data at least once a day.

Most of the time, if I ask nicely, the machine will turn back on immediately after this fun game of "Shut Down!" But with increasing frequency the stupid thing will turn off for hours on end and then, for no apparent reason, it will power back on.

This has been happening for a while now and you may be asking yourself, "Gee, why wouldn't you just take it in to get it fixed? And for God's sake lady, back up your photos!"

The only possible answer is I like this churning feeling in my gut as I ponder all the data I've lost.

My computer was kind enough to allow me to complete both my pieces at The Buzz Off and Ordering Disorder. At The Buzz Off I'm sharing a new (to me) Halloween tradition one can do in a neighborhood where you don't mostly wish a pox upon your neighbors with the boat as big as their house.

At Ordering Disorder I'm cooking from the new Jessica Seinfeld cookbook, Deceptively Delicious with mixed results.

Logan and I have not gone away, without kids, in three years. The last time we left them for the weekend was when Logan ran the Chicago marathon. This was big fun since he had to eat a lot of pasta, couldn't drink at all, had to attend a running expo, went to bed at 9pm both nights and then ran for an ungodly amount of time. Don't worry the night after the run we went out to dinner, or rather we hobbled out for dinner. When Logan saw our table was on the second floor of the restaurant, he threw his body down in the lobby and cried for his mommy. Big big fun!

Tonight after work Logan is running 20 miles as part of his current marathon training. He's doing this because he doesn't want to squeeze it in over the weekend. Because this weekend we will have exactly zero children with us because we're going to celebrate my brother's 40th birthday in Indianapolis.

There are a few things you don't do when you have a rare weekend away without the kids. You don't bite your tongue as you deal with your daughter's rampant anxiety. You don't cut up anyone else's food. You don't wake up at 7 am and you sure as hell don't run 20 miles.

I don't think I've ever been this excited to go to Indy.

Apple Is Going To Be My Bitch.

Un fucking real. My laptop just died for the FOURTH time.

At least I've had it for a month and a half working. Last time it died was October 29th.

I mean, really, how selfish of me to expect an 18 month old computer to work for more than one to two months at a time.

I'm collecting all my numbers and dates and tips and then I'm calling Apple and someone is going to be squealing like a pig by the time I'm finished.

**Don't even remind me how the iPod froze up last week. Apple. I love you, why are you treating me like this?

UPDATE! I just got off the phone with Apple.

Apple isn't my bitch, we're more like a team and they're upset like me about what I've been through! They're taking care of me and Steve Jobs even said he'll baby sit this weekend. That's how badly they want me to be happy!

I love you Apple.

Now, PLEASE MY GOD PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET THERE BE A WAY TO GET ALL MY DATA OFF MY COMPUTER HOLY JESUS. Writing, six months of pictures, TEXT TWIST! Gone! Gone! Cover letters! Resumes! No this can not happen.

It could always be worse.

Last night I went to bed at 9:30pm.

Would you like to know why I went to bed at 9:30 when I usually go to bed at 10:30 or 11:00 or even 11:30?

I went to bed so early because my laptop broke and I was so depressed there was nothing else to do but go to sleep or keep Logan on the edge of the sofa listening to me rage about Apple and the STUPID LOGIC BOARD issue I already had repaired in MARCH! Remember?

Honey? Don't you remember? When I sent it back then? Remember how I was so upset and forlorn without my lovely waste of your hard earned money...the iBook? Remember how I wasted all that hard earned money but I was 'smart' enough not to waste even more money on a cd burner!

Hey! And remember how I haven't actually gotten around to printing ANY of the last 6 months of photos I've taken with my digital camera?

Believe me I tried to stay awake running through these scenes but pretty quickly Logan ran out of anything to say other than, 'This is your punishment for buying this behind my back.'

This infuriated me further, so I just went to sleep. Excellent coping mechanism of mine.

Listen, I love Apple. I love everything about the apple. Suggesting I buy a pc is like suggesting I vote for Bush.

But I am so pissed about this Logic Board issue.

While the 'Genius' at the 'Genius Bar' was making sure I actually knew that my screen was black he said, "It looks like you have the Logic Board Failure...."

I said, "I know, I already had the Logic Board failure in March."

He said, "Really? I've never had a repeat Logic Board failure."

And I said, "It appears I suck the life out of computers AND men."

He said, "It's my break, I'll get someone else to help you."

Final thoughts: SO HELP ME! If this repair takes 2 weeks like last time.....I guess I'll just be really really pissed and everyone, yes...even you Internet....will pay right along with me!!!!!

Other thoughts from today!

*Does everyone have children who talk ALL THE TIME? I ask because HOLY SHIT my kids talk all the time. Madison is as I type, on this OS 8.6 G3 Power PC MONSTROSITY, talking herself to sleep. They talk and they talk and they talk and they talk and HOLY SHIT thank you LEXIPRO! Because by 8:00pm I haven't killed anyone!

*Today on our way to a playdate and errands Max kept asking me, "Why do we have to buy apples at the store today." and I kept responding, "We're not buying apples today."
Then I realized he thought we were going to the Store Which Sells Apples, As In Braeburn. Isn't that cute? Instead we were going to the store which taunts me with beautiful new machines while it carts away mine.

*Out of my first 5K this past weekend I've gotten, so far, a breakfast, a dinner, extra beer, undying adulation, tiny 3 year old cries of, 'I knew you could do it Mommy!' I'm working on new shoes, a haircut (I haven't been since the last iBook debacle!), highlights.
It's amusing how I can milk these types of things.

*Fireman Uncle Scott is something like 80 today. Happy Birthday brother and fellow Leftie.
My brother and I always sat next to each other at the dinner table because our odd use of the left hand and arm while cutting my mother's Rubberized Pork Chops wasn't disturbing to either of us. We understood one another.

*Also, many get well wishes coming to my Nicer Funnier Sister In Law who had surgery last week to repair a detached retina. Ouch. She's been incapacitated for 10 days. Laying with her face looking at the ground. Jesus.
Now that sucks and everything....but did her Logic Board Fail!? I don't think so!

Okay, enough. God I feel like I just sent out a long distance dedication and that ain't right. I gave you all a lot to think about.

Feel free to print this out and write notes in the margins and color code where necessary.

I've got time. My computer is gone you know.

If you're looking for 'upbeat' keep looking.

Madison is nearly five and a half years old and suffers from a pretty extreme case of separation anxiety. Meaning, she follows me out the door when I try to drop her off at school each afternoon. We've been going to school since September, this is getting very frustrating for me.

The thing that is most upsetting about this phenomenon is that the five plus years of caretaking I have been doing for my first born child, my daughter, the daughter I dreamed about and prayed for and was so thrilled to bring into this world, has failed because in my daughter's eyes it's actually a very real possibility I will not pick her up at the end of the day.

This is something called 'Mommy Guilt' and it's a large part of my daily experience being the mother of two children. I try to avoid it but when my daughter is chasing me down the halls of her elementary school, crying out for me....I feel pretty fucking guilty that my child appears to believe I am truly running from her and heading to Mexico for the rest of forever.

Not as troubling...although, as long as I'm being honest....it is nearly as troubling. My iBook still isn't back. I realize I only dropped it off on Sunday, but it's only 7.5 months old how hard can it be to fix?

Finally, as troubling if not more so, is the continued terminal state of my hair. I've tried to make the best of it, really I have. Every morning I wake up and I shower and I put product in my hair and I try to do a little positive self talk.

'Your hair is not inexplicable! It's nice hair! Today is going to be a good hair day!'

But really it went from being Short and Inexplicable to being Shaggy, Lifeless And Still Inexplicable. I thought there would be a point where it looked 'okay'.

How many bad hair days can one woman be expected to endure? I swear to God today is Bad Hair Day #28 and I'm not seeing any end in sight.

It's a sad day.

My iBook screen died yesterday.

The monitor on Logan's machine, that previously worked just fine is now dying. In fact, this is my second attempt at posting, the monitor keeps going black requiring a restart.

It didn't do this before I started using it.

This is the 4th monitor I've been using to die in less than a year.

This points to some magnetic issue in relation to me, does it not?

The boy at the 'Genius Bar' assured me, as he pried my beloved computer from my hands, it would only be about 5-7 days. Until then I'm limiting my exposure to Logan's machine.

I don't want to break another monitor.

As an aside, I think the 'Genius Bar' is really a sarcastic jab at the people who come to the 'Genius Bar'. Because I saw no evidence of Genius from either side of the bar.

My favorite was when 'Genius Boy' told some poor man that he was sorry but 'the iPod really isn't meant for running' and his iPod was freezing up because of the running.

It took all of my strength not to Out-Genius the Genius by saying, 'That's odd, my husband just ran 15 miles, in a row, last weekend with his iPod and it didn't freeze up on him. In fact, it used to freeze up on him and he sent it back to Apple and they replaced it with a new one.'

I didn't say that because I just want to make sure iBook is well treated while we're apart.

"Genius" indeed.