Learning to be kind to myself.

Well this has been a rough few weeks hasn't it? A rough few months. I know, I tend to be incredibly ill prepared for adversity...even still. This is rough.

Let's go through the timeline:

Painful indifference from my husband for many months. 
At the end of June things came to a head with a letter from one of our "friends" that wasn't wrong, but wasn't entirely kind either.
Logan agreed with the contents of that letter and I fell off the earth.

I wanted to die, and I went to the hospital.

I got out of the hospital on July 6th. 

On July 11th, I started my new job working full time for the first time, actually in my whole life. 

On August 11th, Logan announced he wanted a divorce.

On August 12th we put Gary The Cat to sleep.

On August 13th we sat on our deck and told our children that their worst fear was coming true.

On August 18th I asked for forgiveness from the friend who'd written the letter and he did not accept. On August 19th I accepted he's an a**hole.

On September 2nd Logan moved out of our house.
In between that time, the people I thought were friends ignored me and embraced my husband.
On September 7th one of those women took direct aim at my heart.

But there have also been some amazing lights in all this awful. 

I think this is a good time to interject some of the good that is going on at the same time as all this hurt and all this pain. Sometimes I don't think people know that good and awful can exist in the same space. That has always been my reality.

****

On September 12th, I was terrified of my birthday. I spent the weekend before dreading it, coupled with 9/11 sadness. September has always been hard for me, it's the end of summer and the beginning of the school year, I never liked school. My birthday has always been tied to the school year, and that was sad for me.

This year my birthday was overshadowed by the breakdown of my marriage. Come on September, just be nice.

This birthday, I was totally terrified of what my birthday without the people I thought were my friends, without the man I thought I would be with forever, would look like. 

My friend Jean sent me a new outfit, perfect for work. It arrived Friday but I didn't see it on the (enclosed) porch until my birthday. While I ate breakfast after the kids went to school, I opened my gift. Love started my day.

I arrived at work and found a Happy Birthday Banner at my desk. Double Love.

The Ladies I mentioned before as islands in a sea of awful, reached out to me to see what I wanted to do for my birthday. They were very kind.

But I was feeling sort of "blah" about celebrating without the kids. But also feeling sort of blah about staying home and having dinner with the kids and making my own cake. 

Thankfully one of our (shared) parent friends reached out to me (imagine that!) asking if I'd like to have dinner with them for my birthday. 

I may have sobbed when she asked me to come by for dinner. My friend Laura is a chef. Turns out, chefs do somthing really good. They make food taste really good.

We ate salmon and basil pesto with a little marscapone mixed in...and also gnocchi with bacon and pesto. Then yellow cake with a beautiful chocolate ganache on top.

I made three wishes on that cake. This was illegal wishing, I know. I wished I would forgive Logan and be friends with him eventually. I wished my finances would be okay. And I wished for something better, a better man, a better attitude, and a better set of friends that will not walk away.

Laura could have made me a frozen dinner and I'd still have sobbed.  

Aside from the delicious food, it felt so good to celebrate my birthday with my kids and good friends all around a table without feeling Logan's absence so acutely like we do every time we sit down for dinner at our dining room table. 

Thank you Laura & Tom. 

(Not a paid endorsement: My friend Laura is the dessert chef at Lockhart's in Royal Oak. If you're local, you should try the Dr Pepper Cake)

We came home from my birthday dinner and found a note tucked into the door that a surprise was waiting on my porch. On the porch I found a vase of flowers, a bottle of prosecco and a hand made tile. It was from two of the women from the "Dream Neighborhood". I miss that neighborhood. A lot.

****

I've heard for a long time that I am too hard on myself. Which is actually the opposite of what I heard from my father and mother while growing up and from my husband in the last 3 years.

But my therapist, my friends and various readers have pointed out to me that the way I talk about (and to) myself is...mean. This is also how I talk to other people when I am disappointed or angry with them. 

I made a decision when all this happened, not even after I was in the hospital, only when Logan decided he was leaving. 

I decided I'm going to lead with my heart, my friend Lisa gave me that piece of my puzzle. I have lived the last 38 years trying to bully myself into being a better person, I tried to bully myself into being stronger.

This has clearly not worked.

Now I've decided that no matter what I do or say, my self talk will be loving. It will be, "Yes, you can do this better, but for now this is what you can do." I decided when I talk to myself, I am going to channel all the people who have been kind and loving to me.

Mr Rozema from high school, Jean, Lisa, Emmy, Carrie, Kimberly, Laura, my friends when I hadn't ruined things, Andrea, Chrissy and Leslie.

"What you are doing is enough." "Melissa, you are doing this. You are more than okay"

When I feel I am failing I remind myself of everything I have done in the aftermath of all this pain. I thought I would die if my marriage ended. I thought I would collapse. 

But I haven't collapsed. I am kicking ass, sometimes I fail. I send Logan ridiculously long texts about "The Truth". Sometimes I want to punch old "shared" friends in the face.

Sometimes I sob at my desk hiding my face and I am horrified. Sometime I go to the Breastfeeding room, lock the door and ugly cry. Still...

Melissa, You are kicking ass. "You're Gonna Make It After All!" 

******

My friend Maggie said this to me years ago: "There is always someone to tell you how awful you are, you just plow through with your awesome-ness." (not a direct quote, but similar.)

When I tried to hurt myself, Maggie called me and kept saying on the phone, "Shhh, okay, shhhh, okay...Okay, okay..." She said, "I will come there, I want to make you soup and I want to pat your head...I want to wrap you up in a blanket" (Maggie, thank you so much. I hate that I've not been my best self but shhh...okay....okay....I was doing the best I could.)

That is how I've decided to talk to myself when I am so sad and I can't breathe. I just breathe and talk to myself, "Shhh, okay, okay...." Just like I would if my babies were overwhelmed and sad.

When I decided to treat myself with kindness I also decided to treat my friends and the people who send me less than nice mail with gentle kindness.

Even when I have to deal with conflict, I've decided to be gentle...instead of just lashing out and being angry. And sometimes, I am angry and that is okay too.

******

At night sometimes the sadness and frustration is so unbearable. So I lay in bed breathing in and out and telling myself I'm doing okay...it's okay...shhh...shhhh...it's okay.