Suburban Bliss:: Birth Control Via The Written Word

Growing. Painful but good.

The things I'm learning: 

I am pleasantly surprised at how well my new found positive self image and self esteem has held up while I nursed the wounds of an unpleasant breakup. I am truly surprised someone would hurt me (and even break up with me) because I am actually really funny, kind of smart, very open hearted and honest and also cute. Yes, I'm cute (perhaps even sexy sometimes). 

After so many years of deep and crippling self loathing it is amazing to look at myself in the mirror and be happy to see me. 

I worried that was tied to the person I was seeing, perhaps a false boost of confidence, and am happy it was not. 

So I'm learning that I like who I am becoming. I like hugs now, I talk on the phone and I am really learning when to hold my tongue and let things be (this is still a work in progress but I have made great strides). 

Other things I need to keep working on:

Extending invitations to people I enjoy spending time with or might enjoy spending time with. My ex was the social director in our relationship and I find the rejection of someone not being able to hang out oddly anxiety provoking. It hits on some insecurity I would like to not have.

I would also like to be more confident in my work life. People tell me all the time that I know more than I think I know. But almost everything I know feels so simple that I very rarely feel confident enough to tell people what to do, to set standards and create policies. I'd like to be able to do that. 

Did I mention I had to talk in front of a whole bunch of people at work last month? I did. And I didn't die. But I would like public speaking to feel at least marginally less like dying and I would also like it if I could talk in front of a crowd, hell, even a small group in a conference room, and sound intelligent, confident and also funny. 

Here is the other thing I learned while licking my wounds. 

You have to know what you expect and what you want in a relationship. You have to ask for what you need and here's the part that I get tripped up on. If you don't get what you need you have to be willing to walk away. 

This is a stunning epiphany for me.

I think when I met my ex I was very young and I actually didn't really know what I expected or what was okay to ask for and I certainly didn't have a clear grasp on what my deal breakers were. As I got older and our lives moved on there were certain things that weren't acceptable to me but I wasn't very good at asking for what I wanted, I didn't want to 'be a nag'. Other times I did ask for what I wanted and it became clear it wasn't available I wasn't willing or able to walk away. (And of course there were other times I got what I needed. Of course.)

I'm pretty sure I'm learning to ask for what I need and to make (and keep) boundaries. But I can also see very clearly where the holes in my armor are. Sometimes I don't know what is or is not okay to ask for. Maybe I'm being neurotic? Maybe I'm misreading something? Maybe my version of reality isn't true.

This is, of course, exacerbated by the fact that I actually have overreacted to things and created unnecessary strife in relationships. So...there's that. It's very difficult to trust my perceptions and I am not sure what will make that better.

It's throwing me off kilter, all this navigation of relationships (friends and others), but being off kilter is also breaking me wide open. Failure is teaching me a lot about myself and where my weaknesses are and moving through other areas of my life with confidence is teaching me a lot too.

I'm really wondering who I'm going to end up being through all of this. It's exciting, even the stumbles. 

I'm a fish and, you know, sometimes I just feel like riding a bike.*

Last week was rough.

To call it a rough week is saying a lot because I've had some pretty bad weeks in the last 9 months or so. But this one was truly rough.

I've been dating a little since around October. I know, I know. "Take it slow." "Wait until the divorce is final." "You don't need a man!"

You are correct, I don't need a man. I have a great job, a loving family and amazing friends. I live in a great house, my financial landscape is calmer than it's ever been before, I have a handyman, a lawn service and I just bought a new car for myself. The first car I've ever bought on my own without even a co-signer.

I feel like my divorce was final the day my ex actually moved out. Things had been crumbling and I had been holding out hope for so long that he would "come around", when he left I knew it was over. I never, even once, thought maybe we would be separated and realize we actually loved each other too much to let it all go and end up happily ever after. That's why I saw my lawyer exactly 5 days after he announced his decision.

As for taking it slow…I had my first kiss when I was 19. Yes, you read that correctly. I did not kiss a boy until I was NINE-TEEN years old. How's that for taking it slow? And boy that worked out really well for me.

I met my ex when I was 20. I dated him for 4 years and was then married to him for 14 years. I loved him and was only occasionally wistful about missing out on my 20's where I dated lots of people and figured out more about who I was and what I wanted before I chose the right guy for me. I think the right guy for me would still have been Logan but maybe I'd have been more prepared for our life together had I met him later in my 20s.

It's like how I feel about having Maddie when I was 25. My life as a mother got started about 5 years before I was really ready for it. I never doubted that Maddie was the absolute perfect baby for me, she's still the perfect daughter for me, but I did sometimes feel that I'd have been a more perfect mother for her if she'd come into my life when I was 5 years older.

So "taking it slow" doesn't feel right to me. What feels right is putting myself in a lot of new situations and meeting lots of people and learning the things people learned in their teens and 20s that I didn't learn because I thought I had found the love of my life and before that I was terrified of being hurt.

I am certainly not looking to get married again any time particularly soon. But, I do think it's reasonable for me to date, kind of a lot.

So I have been and I've had plenty of nice 1 or 2 hour meetings. Surprisingly I haven't found it stressful which you'd think, since I haven't dated in my adult life or…actually in my life at all (aside from my ex), I would. But actually I think it's fun chatting with someone new for a little while. Flexing those muscles, making someone laugh even if they're not really a fit and if they are or might be? Even better.

My ex was very good at talking to lots of people and I never really was. I was almost never even innocently flirted with in the last 14 years. So it's nice to know I can be interesting and/or desirable to members of the opposite sex.

Unfortunately I have only been interested in 6 people out of, I don't know, quite a few that I've met. 2 of those people were not interested in return (that smarts doesn't it? ooph.) The other 4 were interested in return and I saw one a few times, but it wasn't what I wanted so we talked and parted ways on friendly terms. The other two I dated for about two months, ending one because he was just a little too flighty for me and dating the other until I met the last guy I found mutually appealing and we decided to see just each other for a while to see where it went. 

I started seeing that guy at the same time I was seeing the other two, and when I say seeing I mean literally seeing...for dinner and a movie or a drink after work, that's it. (God I feel sixteen again...like I'm going to "get a reputation" for kissing a boy). After seeing #6 for a month, I really liked him. Alot. He had my number on many levels and I like my number being gotten to be quite frank.

We parted ways once early on when I realized I didn't really want to share his attention with other people after I realized he'd taken another woman out of town on a weekend getaway. There weren't hard feelings, just disappointment. But a week or so later he said, "If you want me you've got me." So we went forward, I stopped seeing the other guy I'd been seeing and he stopped seeing the other person he was seeing. We were frank, realizing this wouldn't be a forever thing but knowing it was fun for now. 

And my goodness that was fun.

A few things I realized in the last few months:

I like getting text messages in the morning that read "Good Morning Beautiful".
I like talking on the phone before going to bed. (I KNOW! Can you believe it? Me? On the phone?)
I like walking through the art museum holding hands.
I like kissing in movie theaters.
I like holding hands in cars.
I like when I meet someone for an after-work drink and another customer says, "Wow, some guys have all the luck." 
I like watching a guy cook for me.
I like watching tv on the sofa cozy under a blanket on a Sunday night.

Sadly things ended sooner than I wanted them to end quite honestly…and not as nicely as the first time we took a break. But now all is calm and I am sad.

I am so annoyed with myself for being sad. I keep trying to talk myself out of being sad. For God's Sake, this is all part of playing the dating game. Sadness and loss is the price you pay for the good parts.

The other choice is to avoid the pain and never get the good parts and avoid learning what dating is all about. I know for a fact that I don't I want to live my life holed up in my head, alone and afraid of being hurt, just like I lived through the first 18 years of my life. 

Still, I don't like being hurt. I am so tired of being hurt. 

I also don't like feeling sad, especially not so soon after being so sad before; we all remember August and September, yes? Ugh. Me and the breastfeeding room at work got real close during those months. That red Ikea chair was like a security blanket and I'm sorry to all the postpartum mothers I locked out of that room during that time. I hope your babies didn't starve.

Thankfully this isn't as hard as that was. Not even close.

But I wanted to write about this feeling I've been turning around in my head and looking over in my hand for the last few days.

I realized that at my very core I still believe people can't be unkind or cruel to you if you're only open, honest and kind enough. And this was an example where my open heartedness was met with stone cold cruelty in the end and it just didn't compute. This brought out many old wounds and sadnesses and then helplessness and anger. Frankly, maybe even a little rage. 

My head knows that other people's unkindnesses or cruelty or hatred has almost entirely nothing to do with me. 

I ugly cried alone Friday night (after sending a nice friend home so I could indulge in said ugly cry) in my living room while Lucy nervously paced and tried to call my therapist (alas, no thumbs!). My ugly cries almost always make me feel like I am 8. And I think it's because when I ugly cry a very primal sadness/fear/anxiety is bubbling up from the pit of my soul.

While I ugly cried I realized it is very hard to live in a world where you have no control over anything or anyone. Sometimes it feels like I have a God damn bullseye over my heart and I will never stop being blown over by the reality of being a person in the world.

People can be assholes and it doesn't matter if you're an asshole, or nice, or stupid, or smart, or kind, or hateful.You can't convince them to not be assholes. You can't make them understand the pain they've caused you. You have to accept it and move on.

You'll be hurt whether you deserve it or not.

And that is far more depressing and painful than losing kisses in a movie theater or cozy time on the sofa or "Good Morning, Beautiful" texts.

And it's way worse than losing the like of any man ever. 

*Reference if that title made you scratch your head.

(Sorry no comments, it's not you it's me and my raw bleeding heart...we can't take it.)

My monthly-ish update

I tend to write like a giant matzoh ball. I throw it all up into the soup of my experience and call it "where I am at this moment in time".

But guess what...remember back in September when I wrote about how I thought divorce would kill me, that it would make me unable to function as a whole human. I thought, "Other people survive divorce because they haven't been through the things I've been through."

I thought, "I used up my animalistic survival skills back in 1982. Okay 1987. Okay...I for sure used up my survival skills in 1989"

I thought I would break open and fall apart.

I broke open, my animalistic survival skills did not call it quits, I did not fall apart and I realized a few very important things.  

I realized living with someone who finds you distasteful is, you know, seriously rough on the self esteem. 

I realized that loyalty is admirable but often misguided.

My Ex (see what I did there? No names!) pulled the plug on our marriage and I realize now it was the only way to save either of us.

The expectations of someone else have been lifted off me. The weight of feeling as if I am repeatedly failing the most important person in my life has been lifted off me. 

I weigh the same as I did when I was still married; but I look lighter. And I feel lighter.  

I am more than okay. I am enjoying every day seeing what comes next. I wish I was better at writing here. I am on Instagram and Facebook and that feels good right now. 

I prefer things that feel good right now.  

Taking Love In.

I spent the day with a few friends at the beginning of December. It was Lisa's birthday so she asked a few of us to spend the day doing things she loved. So we went to Russel Street Deli, then to Avalon Bakery and then on to The Masonic for the Detroit Urban Craft Fair. On the way home we dropped off one friend at her beautiful carriage house in Palmer Woods (ah-mazing). After that we stopped at Pinwheel Bakery for macaroons and then went on to The Oakland for a delicious cocktail. 

It was a banner day and if there was any justice in this world that's how I'd spend every weekend. Alas my weekends since haven't been the same. Sigh.

I bring up that day because at breakfast Lisa was so satisfied. She was smiling and so happy she'd created this day she would love surrounded by friends. (Creating the day you'll love is inspiring in and of itself, fyi.)

At our table at Russel Street Lisa put her hand on my back and rubbed it and smiled at me. A simple friendly, loving gesture. "Hey, I'm happy you're here." 

And I felt myself pull up inside myself...imperceptively, but I did. 

I realized how often I've been handed love and how hard it is for me to really accept it. To feel worthy of it. To give it back. 

I silently berated myself for always feeling awkward around people I've known for years. For being the kind of person who silently analyzes a simple touch on the back. 

When the day was over, it kind of stuck with me. That simple act and why I tried to block it out. 

It feels like that's when something inside me flipped on. 

I can't even tell you what happened because it's all terribly cliche...but let's say this. I felt the cruelty I have approached myself with over the last 37 years acutely. I knew without a doubt that's why I can't accept love and have a very hard time giving it back...I've always been afraid to take in that kind of love. 

People have told me this over and over and I kept trying to be nice to me so I could be nice to others. To be complimentary to me, to blow smoke up my own ass if that's what it took. But it never really worked. 

Instead of berating myself for my failings I started thinking about how I've come through the last 6 months of my life.

And you know what? I am really fucking proud of myself. It was a rough year followed by an unbearable summer, culminating in a disaster autumn. And I fumbled my way through, making a lot of less than desireable moves while clawing my way through. 

By December though I had recovered enough to realize that appreciating myself, taking care of myself and taking pride in my accomplishments would move me into something new. Something happier, more loving and kind. Something calmer. 

And it has. 

This year my new years resolutions are related to this shift in my awareness. Here they are:

#1: Give people the benefit of the doubt 90% of the time. Instead of jumping to conclusions I need to learn to ask for answers, even if I don't like the truth. I need to breathe through uncomfortable suspicion and wait to ask for clarification before being angry. 

#2: Perform 52 acts of kindness (this averages to one a week...fyi...get it....52?). I'll document some of them, hopefully. I want to keep "Giving" as my keyword this year. I need to give back what I've received. (So far I've refilled a parking meter, sent an unexpected gift, said thank you to someone I needed to...)

#3: Get no more parking tickets in 2012 than I can count on one hand. (I had a lot of parking tickets last year...which is stupid.)

#4: Always answer my phone when a friend reaches out. I've overcome my hug thing. When Logan announced he was leaving I decided that hugs were welcome. Bring it. The phone is similar...Im learning to embrace talking on the phone. And when a friend needs me, I am strong enough now to reach back.

Uh...okay but don't call me all the time or I'll just get overwhelmed. But, I do love you guys. 

 

 

My MVPs

So you know how people like to say, "It could always be worse", as though that should make you feel better? Guess what? From experience, now that it's worse...I don't feel better.

I'm not sitting here reminiscing about the time I was devastated that my dream house was pulled from my clutches and thinking, "Oh man, Historical Melissa, that really wasn't as bad as it could have been!" 

Doesn't help. Every one is right, it could actually always be worse...and where is the comfort in that? 

So here's the thing, this year was pretty bad. When I say 'Pretty Bad' I mean, 'Wow...I had no idea the pain I could endure outside of my childhood."

Doesn't make me feel better at all. It makes me dread the future when it could be worse than what I've been through. Not good. No. Just stop it. 

But here I am..upright. Standing. Enjoying quite a few aspects of my new life. 

I thought it would be nice to share the people who have helped me through this year in ways I could never imagine.

I've been intensely hurt this year; and I felt that hurt. I tossed it around, examined it, was angry about it and sad about it...and I'm done with it. I'm done with the hurt.  

The most surprising source of kindness through this thing came from some of the guys Logan and I were friends with. 

The Guys.

Adam
Todd
Nick
Dante 

Men I thought were not very sensitive and never expected to hear from them in the aftermath of this pretty awkward thing...marched up to my desk at work, put a proverbial (and sometimes literal) hand on my shoulder and said, "I'm sorry this is happening." And, I was shocked in a good way.

You're good guys y'all.

The Internet.

The internet was overwhelmingly amazing, I'm sure there's a hate site somewhere (I do NOT WANT to know about, please don't tell me...srsly) and I got a few really awful notes but not as many as you'd expect. I thank God for all of you every day. I love that you believe in me. I try to be honest here and I know I can never present myself in an absolutely truthful way but I love that you always believe I'm going to be okay. Thank you. 

In particular, Tracey reached out to me in some of my darkest times, seeing as how she's been through a divorce...I will never forget what she gave me in those weeks. Amanda, just by going through divorce really honestly and openly, also helped me endure. (Please know this is not an exhaustive list by any means. So many friends have been amazing online. Please know that.)

Divorce Club.

Carrie
Lisa
Kimberly*

I love these ladies. If you're getting divorced I can not stress enough the need to find women who have been through it. I can't tell you much more about Divorce Club though because the first rule is.... 

*divorced but also recently engaged! 

In the burning aftermath of this new life these couples managed to be nice to me and nice to Logan. 

Mike and Rachael
Jenn and Deni
Vicki and Arsen 
Adam and Deidre
Bobby and Tiki 

All these people...have been very kind and understanding that I am a flawed woman but not an evil woman deserving of disdain.

So have these people:

Laura
Tracey 
Melissa G
Diana B
Mary Beth
Lori
Sara
Julie B
Melissa S (not myself...although, now that you mention it, I'm pretty great too)

These are the women who have reached out to me even though I'm sort of unapproachable a lot of the time. They've let me into their lives and introduced me to a whole other social circle. I'm so glad I have known you this year.

Stephanie D
Shelli G
Lish D

My family and I had some rough patches over the last year...and they came back the minute I needed them and I will never underestimate the value of family, specifically siblings, again. Thank you Teri, Mike, Scott and Jen for forgiving me and letting me move forward with you in my life and my kid's lives. 

Jean is my second mother and, frankly, the reason I am okay in spite of what I came from. She's also how I learned to be a different parent than my parents were....Jean modeled for me how to adore your babies. I'd never seen that. The older my babies get the more I adore them and I can express that thanks to Jean. 

When I called Jean sobbing and being mean to myself she kept saying how sad it made her that I attacked myself when sad and hurt. I took that to heart.

Her sister took me to lunch and she understood exactly what I was going through. And her best friend understood too. And their words ring in my head even in the dark times and keep me going forward....Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.  

You know the best thing about this list? I'm totally forgetting people who helped me through this year.

I'm blessed....so blessed. Thank you. 

2012. This is our year...we're going to hang out and have fun together. Wanna make out 2012? Just, like, a little tease....

*Comments are open...don't kiss my ass and don't rip me a new one. I love you guys.  

Good things are always happening.

Having that post up there is annoying me now. 

I have a lot on my mind, obviously. I know I'm not where I want to be. I'm trying so hard to avoid hurt so I don't have to feel angry. I'm so tired of being angry. I'm also tired of being sad. I feel like I'm doing all the things everyone is telling me to do and the grief just keeps washing over me. 

Not all the time but I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of that awful feeling every time I realize what else I've lost. You can imagine how much I'm looking forward to the holidays.

But that's not what this post is about. This post is about the good times in between the hard parts. I've said it before but this website has always been glimpses of my life. Often the hard parts because I mull things around. I think about them try to figure out the root of things so I can fix the problem. BUT...I'm also doing lovely things. Great things. Happy things....

You guys have been so great for me, thank you. You believe in me and I'm trying to believe in myself. This is hard, sometimes it feels crushing. But I keep moving forward and doing the things you have to do to move forward. That is a testament to: depression relieving medication, therapy, friends, my job and this website. 

Thank you. 

Things are about to get heavy. Image heavy.

A week after Logan told me he was leaving, I took the kids to Chicago. (I don't sugar coat things so yes, it was a rough trip. I hid in the bathroom and cried...but there were also lots of good times.)

This is us on a Chicago river boat tour. 

We went to the Shedd Aquarium and had our minds blown by jelly fish. (We also did the Science and Industry; Field; and drove by Obama's house in Hyde Park...)

I've been to Chicago a lot of times and never done a river tour, it was always "too touristy" but with kids? Yes...Let's be tourists! We went out onto Lake Michigan and I took this picture with my phone and it makes me happy.

Divorce has really brought the kids together...

About a week after that it was my birthday. I dreaded my birthday but friends took me in and I will never forget that act of kindness. 

Someone sent me flowers...I still don't know who...thank you.

I started getting more daring with my color combinations.

Maddie has entertained me with her favorite game with Lucy...Lucy doesn't look at all awkward. 

Max and I went to the Franklin Cider Mill and we ate all the donuts even though that's not particularly healthy.

This is not a halloween costume, why do you ask?
I went to a really fun halloween party at Ye Olde Saloon. Yes, that's the name.
Fake Roger Sterling followed me home. That's a story for another day.

Max was a Blues Brother for Halloween...he's cooler than you. 
(Blurry in the background is Maddie with her handmade R2D2 hat...yes, that's what she was)

Lucy LOVED Halloween...she was a banana, look at the joy in her eyes.

I took this picture after a really great night. Not telling you why it was great but it was.

I bought this purse from a Kate Spade pop up sample sale. It cost the same as a pair of running shoes; but I never ever would have bought this when I was married. I would have felt selfish.

Maddie turned THIRTEEN!!! And also posed for a picture. (This very rarely happens...she caught my photo adverse illness. Sorry Maddie!)
I have a TEENAGER!? (Ten years ago Maddie was 3.)

A after that we went to visit Jean in Texas for Thanksgiving. This is a "Christmas" tree being lit in front of the Alamo. I say "Christmas" because it was 83 degrees. Christmas is cold and preferably snowy. 

We hot tubbed it. In November. I just think I need to live in a place where a water feature is even plausible in November.

Then we pet dolphins. 

Sophie lives in Texas. She looks super sweet but really she's looking at me thinking "You idiot...why do you live in the tundra?"

We went to Fredricksburg and climbed enchanted rock. I climbed half...and then I held the water bottles. Jean said it was an "Easy Hike" I guess I pictured an "Easy Hike" like how you feel when you tour a city for a whole day...how hard could it be?
It wasn't hard I just needed to hold everyone's water bottles at the half way point.
(Max took that picture for me.)

Then we went to Sea World. Because it's 30 minutes away and Shamu wanted to show us his equivalent of Jazz Hands.

Swimming on Thanksgiving makes a lot of sense to me.
I'm just going to come back to Michigan for a couple weeks in December.
While I'm here I'll indulge this funny little "snow" thing.....and then I'll go home to a place where people don't own shovels or have an ice scraper in their car. 

We ate a feast. I made carrots, the carrots probably made the meal...Thanksgiving was emotionally really hard but we had such a great feast and even better stories at the table. 

We headed home on Black Friday. But before we left, we took a walk on the newish part of the river walk. Little known fact about Marketing At Airports: Airports don't give a crap about Black Friday because you're sort of forced to pay $3 for a bottle of water. 

When we got home I was...sad and struggling with the reality of a holiday season with this new reality. Luckily my commissioned painting from Paul Ferney's Commission Project arrived while I was away. Another thing that gives me joy I never would have bought while married.

I'm so glad I bought this.

I've been trying to wear (well applied) more make-up and one day I curled my hair and I felt pretty.
so I took a picture.

While shopping for Maddie's birthday present at Scout in Royal Oak [not a paid link!] I saw this sign. 

YES

This is my year of YES. 

Hey...should I get a mani-pedi? YES
Should I take all my clothes to the tailor to make them fit correctly? YES
Maybe I should go to that party with all new people? YES
Aren't highlights too expensive, am I really going to get my hair done every 6 weeks? YES

I'm okay. I'm mostly okay. 

 

But go ahead and keep thinking a lot of good thoughts for me.
Thank you.

I am okay

I have a lot to say. 

And keep wanting to say it all in one post. 

But I am not just okay. I am feeling like this is my new normal and my new normal is really kind of exciting and full of promise.

I wish I still had my marriage. I wish my husband still loved all the best parts of me. I wish my kids got to be raised by two people who still love each other. 

But. 

That's not the case and I feel like in the last two weeks I have finally accepted that I have a new life to live. With my kids. I get to make all the choices. Do what I want. 

It was scary before. It's not so scary anymore. 

*I have a really long post to share but it was just stupidly long and I wanted you to know I'm okay.

 

SHUN!

I was a part of a clique. I call it a clique, not because it is a group of people who like to social climb and compare notes about which party they were invited to and you weren't, though maybe you could define it like that.

No I consider it a clique because of the hard evidence of Kingpins (or "Highly Connected People") in the group. The core group of people who are so involved and so everywhere that by default when you're out of the group because you've offended them (because they offended you...but okay) you lose not just the clique but aquaintances of the clique now shun you socially to hang out with the clique. (Though solo time with me seems to still be okay for a few people.)

Logan is part of the clique. He spends at least one evening a week with them and more likely 3 or 4 nights a week with them. As I said I always felt like I could be kicked out at any minute. And so, I am shunned.

Most of the time I don't care. I'm seeing true colors and some of the things I suspected all along are being affirmed. I'm still surprised by the level of the BS, but for the most part I'm spending my time healing, not really crying very often (though I did Sunday night) and trying to find my new people.

Finding new people is pretty exhausting, and incredibly painful when you hear about the fun your old pool of possible new people are having with their people that were once your people.

It was my weekend, I was a little agitated when Max came home and Logan's BFF's son had told him we were going over there that night. Not agitated with the kid, agitated with this whole stupid situation and the resulting disappointment. 

Also perhaps feeling the continued sting of Logan spending every free moment with these people. Logan spends a lot of time with these people. I'm tempted to write a children's book, titled "The [Their Last Name] Family Has Two Daddies"

That night a couple of moms, who are mostly not a part of the clique or the extended part of the clique, had invited me out for a drink. It was me, two other women from the school and one of the women was inviting some other friends.

New people! New Circle! No SHUNNING! Perfect. Except that it was my weekend and I'm still feeling weird about Logan leaving the kids alone when it's his parenting time, so how is that fair? It isn't.

In my defense I'll say I trust myself to actually go for 2 hours, then return home, I have a difficult time (because of years of hard evidence otherwise, though not recently) trusting that Logan will be able to go and leave in a 2 or even 3 hour time frame. It's generally not how things go when Logan gets around fun people.

I weighed my options and decided I needed to go, this is how I'm going to rebuild my social life, something I enjoy. I enjoy it less than Logan who often sees the same friends 3 or 4 times in a week, but I still require some face time with fun people.

I asked the kids, they were fine…occupied with vegging out after the week of school and the nomad life they've been living flipping houses every day. So…off I went.

This was 8pm, at 9pm, I got a text from Logan. I won't give you the play by play of the texts because I've sent some doozies since this whole thing started. No need to write out the heated moments of rage in this thing, probably more from my side than his, he's a robot remember.

Ooph. I said last week on Friday I'd managed to only send 7 texts to Logan in the last week. Actually just 4, but 1 was so bad I counted it as 3. Ouch.

Let's say he was with his BFF's, likely sharing the situation with them and getting riled up even more. He was angry I was out and called me a hypocrite. There were other angry things sent across the text-line and though I knew I had weighed my options and decided it would be okay for me to have 2 hours and spend the next two entire days and three nights with the kids. I need to rebuild a social life from scratch.

Still the texts made me feel sick to my stomach. I thought maybe I had messed up. Maybe I am a jerk. So, I went home…made it home 15 minutes after the time I'd told the kids I'd be back, and then we watched a movie.

Here's the thing. Logan was angry because I've been furious about him and the parties that he goes to with the kids and without the kids. The street festivals. The chili cookoffs! The pizza nights and dinners with and without the kids. I do understand that really I've got no say anymore. When Logan's alone and when Logan's with the kids it's none of my G-D business.

I sit in therapy each week and we try to detach me from this hurt and this sadness and this anger. For 18 years Logan and I shared friends, we've made friends together and adopted each other's friends. All of this feels like a betrayal. And I can't seem to release it. I'm trying. I'm trying so so so hard.

But it isn't coming yet. I get heartburn when the kids tell me about the last night with our friends. My heart races a little when Logan texts me something inflammatory and then ignores me while hanging out with those friends. When I see that another party happened and no one asked me to come, I cry again.

These are all things I do not want to be doing, so I do understand how Logan would feel angry and like I was being a hypocrite. But I'm not. It's not that I don't want Logan to live his life, I'm hurt/sad/angry/anxious that he's living what used to be our life without me. And my life is getting a slow start in the rebuilding process.

So no, me meeting a group of new women who are not shunning me, was not me being a hypocrite. It was me taking advantage of the opportunities that come up for me right now.

Sure, I wish it had come up on my weekend off. 

Sure, I wish I had the luxury of socializing with the kids and without them with the same people.

Sure, I wish I could skip one night out because all my weekends are full of friends.

I wish none of this was happening. None of it.

Logan apologized for the harsh words in the morning. Of course he didn't respond when I explained the above to him. This is the pattern. As long as we don't talk about anything he's fine.

This is pretty much how those friendships work, don't make waves, quietly talk about each other behind each other's backs and for God's Sake BE POSITIVE.

This is also how my marriage has worked for many many years. There were always two choices: donl't make waves or bite your tongue. I'm not surprised really but it still makes me feel so incredibly powerless.

This entire site, I think, is born of years of not being heard or seen. I've been invisible to my parents, to my peers, to my teachers. When Logan ignores me it trips that wire, when my "friends" ignore me it trips that wire, and it's the same wire that has me off and on terrified of being alone.

I'm not talking about being physically alone, I still relish my alone time. When Logan has the kids I read books, I do yoga, I watch TV…I love the time alone.

I am terrified of the kind of alone I was in school. The kind of alone I was growing up. The kind of alone where entire days would go by and I would not speak a single word. The kind of alone that's so isolating you can't think of anyone you'd even like to call to have lunch or tell a secret to. The kind of alone that leaves you feeling like an alien among the normal people. That's the alone I am afraid of.

I know this isn't where I'm ending. I know this is still a journey. And the wires that tripped me then aren't entirely accurate now. I have to release that old trauma in order to full live life now. But some days that is easier than others. 

 

This is a Good Day. Relatively Speaking.

I really believed being divorced would be the worst thing to happen to me in my adult life. Back in the haze of depression, I honestly believed I would die from the pain. I believed it would kill me, and if it didn't kill me I wouldn't be able to keep living like a reasonably normal person.

I believed that because I love Logan, I believe there is (was?) a lot of good in our marriage and in our family. 

I also believed that because no one ever loved me. I mean, not in the best way. I believed that because I've always been abandoned in so many ways, this abandoning seemed too much to bear.

That's the part of my brain that needed this to happen to be whole.

But I mostly believed divorce would kill me because I have always thought of my marriage and my family as my reward for surviving the hideousness of my first sixteen years in the world. And that has always felt like too much to bear after everything else.

But life isn't fair. There's no scorekeeper.

Now that I've lived with the pain of this reality for 22 days, I am as shocked as anyone that I am still living. I am less depressed than I was even 8 months ago. I am shaky on my feet. I am sensitive. I am unable to hold all these feelings in like I'd planned to do when I came home from the hospital.

If you know me in real life, I'm probably going to freak out. Please pretend not to notice.

But I am upright. I am living life. I am going to work. I'm seeing friends & I'm loving my kids.  

I was beyond hurt when I found out this week that as soon as 2 weeks after I got out of the hospital, my husband was asking my therapist when it would be "safe" for him to leave. I was hurt because I still thought he was trying and I'd lost him long before that time. I felt foolish and pathetic and sad. I was also hurt because that is not the kind of man I've always known my husband to be.

But then, depression has a lot of victims.

The kids are okay. They're as good as they could be I think. They might be even better if I could stop crying every once in a while. (I have had almost two full days without crying!)(Five without crying in front of the kids.)

But, I am not going to beat myself up about crying in front of the kids. I've been careful to explain to them that I'm sad because this is really awful, but even in my darkest times I've been able to tell them, truthfully, that this is going to be okay. We are all going to be okay.

We just have to go through this pain.

I'm not going beat myself up for writing all this down.

It makes Logan very angry that I write the way I do. He's tried to get used to it, to accept it as part of who I am, what makes me who I am. But he's never liked it and now that I have no reason to temper my words, I'm sure he's worried about what I'll publish.

He's not wrong to worry about this, I know this. I do have a hard time controlling myself especially when I am in emotional distress. On the one hand I like to think, 'Oh well, this is a snapshot of my life right now' and on the other hand I realize how damaging words can be.

It's part of what I've been working on in therapy and this set back has made that difficult again. 

Logan is worried about me sharing the intimate details about our marriage, the places where I feel it fell apart. And though I know there is never any "truth" in these sorts of things, there's only ever what you think, what the other person thinks and then...maybe reality but no one will ever actually know reality.

I feel pretty strongly about my truth, at least most of it, some of it I know is only "truth" because I am hurting and afraid.

Of course I'm writing this on a Good Day. On a bad day I feel like Linda Blair spraying split pea soup around the room. 

I believe our marriage was salvagable, but now there are tiny peeks of things I've overlooked and lived with because I loved Logan and I loved our life. 

The other day I realized I had been looking at the best in Logan and dismissing everything else. That's the way I've written about him the majority of the time I've had this site, because he is a whole lot of good. He really is. I could never deny that truth.

But...but there have been times, many times he wasn't who I believed him to be. There have been many times he didn't live up to who he is supposed to be. I say "supposed" to be because I know he is all those beautiful things, even now, I know he was supposed to be more whole than he is right now. 

I know he's not supposed to be that with me.

I looked for the best in Logan and ignored the rest. I realized this week he hadn't returned the favor in a long time (though he did for quite some time) and that was very eye opening. 

My therapist said to me a few weeks ago, "Most people in marital trouble come in to my office pointing fingers at the other part of the relationship to define what's 'wrong'. You're the first one who came in believing the complete opposite. Everything is not your fault."

I realized then that believing you're the problem gives you an odd sense of power. If you're the problem, you are also the solution. The only problem is when you're working your ass off to fix the problem and everything keeps falling apart anyway. 

At that point you're the problem and you're too broken to even fix it. It's a heavy load.

Logan came into our recent round of therapy blaming me for what had gone wrong in our relationship. He lashed out and lashed out hard. Fat, lazy, turning into my mother...all my hot spots. After a few therapy sessions he changed his story saying no one was to blame, no one was at fault, we'd just grown apart. He was worn out by the life we have shared up to this point and couldn't go on.

This is mature, sure. But I also feel like it never acknowledges what he's done wrong.

I've been very open about what I did wrong in our marriage. I have depression, I have a hard time discerning blood and ketchup, I am quick to be defensive and angry. I've blown up friendships Logan held dear (that perhaps I should have held dear) as a result of these personality faults. My open filter has made Logan uncomfortable with family and sometimes friends. 

I am not fat and I am not lazy, but it would be impossible for me to argue my emotional shortcomings in all their various forms. I wish I could fix them but the truth is, while I keep working and changing and growing, I'll never be someone entirely different than I am. Perhaps if you checked in on me at 20 year intervals only, you'd see the growth that happens in that time. 

Logan, just doesn't seem able to see those sorts of things in himself. Or rather, he doesn't seem able to communicate his awareness of those sorts of things in himself...maybe both. I like to think it would make me feel better if Logan would stop saying no one is to blame for how things have turned out and would say instead, "Here's where I f-ed up."

But then maybe it wouldn't feel better because then I'd think, "Okay well you know that! NOW FIX IT!!!!"

There's really no winning at this point. There's no feeling better. 

The only thing you can do in this place is trust the future. Trust that everyone is right, that it will get better. That your kids will get used to this. That you'll find new friends to replace the ones you're losing. That you'll learn things about yourself you didn't know.

But most of all I'm hoping I realize that Logan came into my life when he was supposed to. We were better together for a long time. Now I have to trust that I've grown enough to be better all on my own.

Keep in mind you're reading this on a good day.
I reserve the right to tear Logan's innards out tomorrow. Figuratively, of course.

Logan is moving out on Saturday.
The kids are going to stay there Sunday and Monday, Logan will take them to their first day of school.

I've always loved time alone in my own house, it recharges me. But I have to tell you I am terrified of what it will feel like when I realize this is my new "normal", that my husband is gone, my kids are gone and I am alone.

I hope those days are "good" days too. 

******

Today I took my paycheck to my bank and deposited it into my own account. And I withdrew my rent from that deposit as a cashier's check and it wasn't all of my paycheck. There was still money left.

When I got home, my checks were in the mailbox.

MELISSA SUMMERS 

In big letters, just my name. On the first solo account I've had since the Standard Federal account I opened when I was 18.

******

It's so scary to be facing this new life only trusting everyone else that it will be okay eventually.

On the good days I realize this is supposed to be happening. That I have so much to learn. 

I met Logan when I was 20 and a very scared little girl. I am 37 years old now and I've learned so much in this lifetime. On the good days I know this is supposed to be happening.

On the bad days I can't accept this is my new life. I just want to hold onto all the good we had that I thought would sustain us forever. 

On the good days, I know it was supposed to end this way.

 

This is a really difficult Life Transition.

I was starting to feel better. 

I was starting to forgive myself. To ask for forgiveness of the people I've wronged. Some people accepted my apologies. Others did not. And I was forgiving myself for messing things up so badly.

At the same time, Logan hasn't been happy with me since around December, probably before that but he told me in December that he was feeling ambivalent about staying married. 

I've gone through this many times throughout our relationship. I've referred to it as "Jackassery" before, Periods of Jackassery. These are times when Logan is struggling and acts a little like an adolescent. These phases typically last for a few weeks and up to six months. I have only reached the point of wanting to leave once when I prepared to move to San Antonio. Logan always snapped out of these phases eventually.

I thought this was the same. But it wasn't.

The last 8 months have been rough. Logan essentially blamed me for everything wrong in our marriage. Some of it I took to heart. My problems with friendships had been troubling me too. But some of it was simply cruel and mean.

He told me my weight was disrespectful to him, or rather my position on not wanting to do the work it would take to be a size 4 again was disrespectful to him. He told me he worried I was becoming my mother, which given the history between my mother and I, was very hateful to me. 

So I went to therapy, not to work on my disrespectful weight or becoming my mother. I went to work on my problems with friendships, because I told myself even if I wasn't married to Logan I would still need to fix that part of what is wrong with me.

I went to therapy for a month or two but Logan was grouchy and unpleasant to live with. He didn't like me, everything I did annoyed him. And most painfully there was no affection. We would get along fine, good even, but he wasn't happy to see me anymore. He didn't light up when I walked into a room. He wasn't my biggest fan anymore. He didn't reach out to hold my hand anymore.

It hurt. So badly.

But I still thought we could fix it. Actually, I thought I could fix it.

I asked my therapist to start seeing us together because it was hard to focus on my own problems when my life at home was unhappy...for all of us.

One of the first things Logan described was how he likes to get up early on a Saturday and get moving. Doing stuff. And I like to sleep in, and sometimes I like to just sit on the sofa with the kids all day, just hanging out doing nothing.

He said, "Well, honestly? I think she's lazy and she's raising our kids to be lazy."

He said it with such contempt. Disgust. I knew things were much worse than I thought.

As we talked about our past, the history of our relationship, things I've known were a big deal all along, Logan seemed to only realize now they had been a big deal. And he felt the pain of all the hard times we'd been through acutely. 

We drove home after a session one night and I said, "Yes, that was stressful...how are we going to do it differently. I think a lot of the stuff with your family would have been better if we'd really been on the same team. Maybe we can do that going forward. And the stress of money, we need to really take control of our money now that I'm making a salary too. We can fix this."

But Logan never really seemed on board. It was too late.

The first time I started to think we had to let go of each other was after he took a trip to Argentina for a week. He came home on a Friday and had a long standing "Guys Weekend" planned for the weekend. He came home, rushed to repack and had lunch with us. In the 15 minutes he was home he blew up about something or other. We went to lunch and I wanted to cry the entire meal. 

We walked back home and Logan grabbed his bag and I said, "I feel like you can't be happy when you're here. I feel like you're always running away from me, from us. You were here for 15 minutes and lost your temper. I need you to try, we need to fix this. Please don't go up north. We need to fix this."

And he decided not to go up north that night. But I knew he didn't want to be there with me, I felt it acutely.

In the morning he told me he felt manipulated that he'd had this trip planned and he was going. Sorry. And he left. Keeping in mind I was not on medication at that point, I was furious, hurt and crushed. I told him not to come back to this house. If he couldn't put his desire to be with friends aside to be with our family during this really hard time, don't come home. 

That weekend was the worst I can remember in a long time. I cried for 3 days straight. I was terrified. But I knew we couldn't keep going like this. 

From that point my therapy changed. All along I'd been saying, "I'm afraid I'm losing him." Now I said, "I can't have him like this."

But he came home, because he was afraid to move out. I had faced losing him and it was awful so I kept trying. Many times I'd say, "I feel like I'm reaching out to you and you aren't reaching back" There was no answer. So we kept going, getting along most of the time. Me still thinking about what I needed to make this marriage work and Logan not really telling me what he needed. I don't think he knows.

I started my job and just tried to remain okay. To recover and not think too much. When I felt the panic about my marriage falling apart creep in I would lay in bed saying, "Breathe in the good, release the bad".

My therapy turned back to solo therapy because obviously I was in trouble. I urged Logan to see someone too but he put it off, for quite a while. I think he truly believed I was the problem. I'm not sure I'm not the problem. 

The weeks after the hospital were hard. I was getting better & stronger but I knew I was on borrowed time in my marriage and the threat of divorce hanging over my head all the time was incredibly stressful. 

I sat in therapy trying to explain why this couldn't happen. It wasn't fair. Logan wasn't angry with me, he was angry in general. My illness had triggered feelings in him he wasn't prepared to deal with. If he could just try, it would be okay. 

It's exhausting trying to control someone else. 

We  kept going. We went up north for a friends wedding and we had so much fun. We laughed and took care of each other and I felt so happy, content. Sure things would be okay. 

But at the ceremony they read something we'd read at our wedding. It was this.

Now you will feel no rain,
for each of you will be shelter for the other.
Now you will feel no cold,
for each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now there will be no loneliness,
for each of you will be companion to the other.
Now you are two persons,
but there is only one life before you.
May beauty surround you both in the
journey ahead and through all the years,
May happiness be your companion and
your days together be good and long upon the earth.

Now there will be no loneliness. 

It echoed in my ears and I started to cry. Not nice dainty happy wedding crying. Like, I was starting to really lose it. It was grief, more grief than I've ever felt in my life.

Because I remembered the day we were married. And how good those words felt to me. Like the answer I had looked for all 24 years of my life. Someone who loved me, completely, truly...who woouldn't leave me. When I was 20 I met Logan and there was no more loneliness.

I knew it was over. He didn't feel that anymore. I had broken him. Broken us.

It was over.

It hurts so badly. 

(to be continued)(No comments, it's too easy to make Logan the villain and that's just not the truth. I'll write more when I can.)