Suburban Bliss:: Birth Control Via The Written Word

My monthly-ish update

I tend to write like a giant matzoh ball. I throw it all up into the soup of my experience and call it "where I am at this moment in time".

But guess what...remember back in September when I wrote about how I thought divorce would kill me, that it would make me unable to function as a whole human. I thought, "Other people survive divorce because they haven't been through the things I've been through."

I thought, "I used up my animalistic survival skills back in 1982. Okay 1987. Okay...I for sure used up my survival skills in 1989"

I thought I would break open and fall apart.

I broke open, my animalistic survival skills did not call it quits, I did not fall apart and I realized a few very important things.  

I realized living with someone who finds you distasteful is, you know, seriously rough on the self esteem. 

I realized that loyalty is admirable but often misguided.

My Ex (see what I did there? No names!) pulled the plug on our marriage and I realize now it was the only way to save either of us.

The expectations of someone else have been lifted off me. The weight of feeling as if I am repeatedly failing the most important person in my life has been lifted off me. 

I weigh the same as I did when I was still married; but I look lighter. And I feel lighter.  

I am more than okay. I am enjoying every day seeing what comes next. I wish I was better at writing here. I am on Instagram and Facebook and that feels good right now. 

I prefer things that feel good right now.  

Taking Love In.

I spent the day with a few friends at the beginning of December. It was Lisa's birthday so she asked a few of us to spend the day doing things she loved. So we went to Russel Street Deli, then to Avalon Bakery and then on to The Masonic for the Detroit Urban Craft Fair. On the way home we dropped off one friend at her beautiful carriage house in Palmer Woods (ah-mazing). After that we stopped at Pinwheel Bakery for macaroons and then went on to The Oakland for a delicious cocktail. 

It was a banner day and if there was any justice in this world that's how I'd spend every weekend. Alas my weekends since haven't been the same. Sigh.

I bring up that day because at breakfast Lisa was so satisfied. She was smiling and so happy she'd created this day she would love surrounded by friends. (Creating the day you'll love is inspiring in and of itself, fyi.)

At our table at Russel Street Lisa put her hand on my back and rubbed it and smiled at me. A simple friendly, loving gesture. "Hey, I'm happy you're here." 

And I felt myself pull up inside myself...imperceptively, but I did. 

I realized how often I've been handed love and how hard it is for me to really accept it. To feel worthy of it. To give it back. 

I silently berated myself for always feeling awkward around people I've known for years. For being the kind of person who silently analyzes a simple touch on the back. 

When the day was over, it kind of stuck with me. That simple act and why I tried to block it out. 

It feels like that's when something inside me flipped on. 

I can't even tell you what happened because it's all terribly cliche...but let's say this. I felt the cruelty I have approached myself with over the last 37 years acutely. I knew without a doubt that's why I can't accept love and have a very hard time giving it back...I've always been afraid to take in that kind of love. 

People have told me this over and over and I kept trying to be nice to me so I could be nice to others. To be complimentary to me, to blow smoke up my own ass if that's what it took. But it never really worked. 

Instead of berating myself for my failings I started thinking about how I've come through the last 6 months of my life.

And you know what? I am really fucking proud of myself. It was a rough year followed by an unbearable summer, culminating in a disaster autumn. And I fumbled my way through, making a lot of less than desireable moves while clawing my way through. 

By December though I had recovered enough to realize that appreciating myself, taking care of myself and taking pride in my accomplishments would move me into something new. Something happier, more loving and kind. Something calmer. 

And it has. 

This year my new years resolutions are related to this shift in my awareness. Here they are:

#1: Give people the benefit of the doubt 90% of the time. Instead of jumping to conclusions I need to learn to ask for answers, even if I don't like the truth. I need to breathe through uncomfortable suspicion and wait to ask for clarification before being angry. 

#2: Perform 52 acts of kindness (this averages to one a week...fyi...get it....52?). I'll document some of them, hopefully. I want to keep "Giving" as my keyword this year. I need to give back what I've received. (So far I've refilled a parking meter, sent an unexpected gift, said thank you to someone I needed to...)

#3: Get no more parking tickets in 2012 than I can count on one hand. (I had a lot of parking tickets last year...which is stupid.)

#4: Always answer my phone when a friend reaches out. I've overcome my hug thing. When Logan announced he was leaving I decided that hugs were welcome. Bring it. The phone is similar...Im learning to embrace talking on the phone. And when a friend needs me, I am strong enough now to reach back.

Uh...okay but don't call me all the time or I'll just get overwhelmed. But, I do love you guys. 

 

 

My MVPs

So you know how people like to say, "It could always be worse", as though that should make you feel better? Guess what? From experience, now that it's worse...I don't feel better.

I'm not sitting here reminiscing about the time I was devastated that my dream house was pulled from my clutches and thinking, "Oh man, Historical Melissa, that really wasn't as bad as it could have been!" 

Doesn't help. Every one is right, it could actually always be worse...and where is the comfort in that? 

So here's the thing, this year was pretty bad. When I say 'Pretty Bad' I mean, 'Wow...I had no idea the pain I could endure outside of my childhood."

Doesn't make me feel better at all. It makes me dread the future when it could be worse than what I've been through. Not good. No. Just stop it. 

But here I am..upright. Standing. Enjoying quite a few aspects of my new life. 

I thought it would be nice to share the people who have helped me through this year in ways I could never imagine.

I've been intensely hurt this year; and I felt that hurt. I tossed it around, examined it, was angry about it and sad about it...and I'm done with it. I'm done with the hurt.  

The most surprising source of kindness through this thing came from some of the guys Logan and I were friends with. 

The Guys.

Adam
Todd
Nick
Dante 

Men I thought were not very sensitive and never expected to hear from them in the aftermath of this pretty awkward thing...marched up to my desk at work, put a proverbial (and sometimes literal) hand on my shoulder and said, "I'm sorry this is happening." And, I was shocked in a good way.

You're good guys y'all.

The Internet.

The internet was overwhelmingly amazing, I'm sure there's a hate site somewhere (I do NOT WANT to know about, please don't tell me...srsly) and I got a few really awful notes but not as many as you'd expect. I thank God for all of you every day. I love that you believe in me. I try to be honest here and I know I can never present myself in an absolutely truthful way but I love that you always believe I'm going to be okay. Thank you. 

In particular, Tracey reached out to me in some of my darkest times, seeing as how she's been through a divorce...I will never forget what she gave me in those weeks. Amanda, just by going through divorce really honestly and openly, also helped me endure. (Please know this is not an exhaustive list by any means. So many friends have been amazing online. Please know that.)

Divorce Club.

Carrie
Lisa
Kimberly*

I love these ladies. If you're getting divorced I can not stress enough the need to find women who have been through it. I can't tell you much more about Divorce Club though because the first rule is.... 

*divorced but also recently engaged! 

In the burning aftermath of this new life these couples managed to be nice to me and nice to Logan. 

Mike and Rachael
Jenn and Deni
Vicki and Arsen 
Adam and Deidre
Bobby and Tiki 

All these people...have been very kind and understanding that I am a flawed woman but not an evil woman deserving of disdain.

So have these people:

Laura
Tracey 
Melissa G
Diana B
Mary Beth
Lori
Sara
Julie B
Melissa S (not myself...although, now that you mention it, I'm pretty great too)

These are the women who have reached out to me even though I'm sort of unapproachable a lot of the time. They've let me into their lives and introduced me to a whole other social circle. I'm so glad I have known you this year.

Stephanie D
Shelli G
Lish D

My family and I had some rough patches over the last year...and they came back the minute I needed them and I will never underestimate the value of family, specifically siblings, again. Thank you Teri, Mike, Scott and Jen for forgiving me and letting me move forward with you in my life and my kid's lives. 

Jean is my second mother and, frankly, the reason I am okay in spite of what I came from. She's also how I learned to be a different parent than my parents were....Jean modeled for me how to adore your babies. I'd never seen that. The older my babies get the more I adore them and I can express that thanks to Jean. 

When I called Jean sobbing and being mean to myself she kept saying how sad it made her that I attacked myself when sad and hurt. I took that to heart.

Her sister took me to lunch and she understood exactly what I was going through. And her best friend understood too. And their words ring in my head even in the dark times and keep me going forward....Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.  

You know the best thing about this list? I'm totally forgetting people who helped me through this year.

I'm blessed....so blessed. Thank you. 

2012. This is our year...we're going to hang out and have fun together. Wanna make out 2012? Just, like, a little tease....

*Comments are open...don't kiss my ass and don't rip me a new one. I love you guys.  

This is a Good Day. Relatively Speaking.

I really believed being divorced would be the worst thing to happen to me in my adult life. Back in the haze of depression, I honestly believed I would die from the pain. I believed it would kill me, and if it didn't kill me I wouldn't be able to keep living like a reasonably normal person.

I believed that because I love Logan, I believe there is (was?) a lot of good in our marriage and in our family. 

I also believed that because no one ever loved me. I mean, not in the best way. I believed that because I've always been abandoned in so many ways, this abandoning seemed too much to bear.

That's the part of my brain that needed this to happen to be whole.

But I mostly believed divorce would kill me because I have always thought of my marriage and my family as my reward for surviving the hideousness of my first sixteen years in the world. And that has always felt like too much to bear after everything else.

But life isn't fair. There's no scorekeeper.

Now that I've lived with the pain of this reality for 22 days, I am as shocked as anyone that I am still living. I am less depressed than I was even 8 months ago. I am shaky on my feet. I am sensitive. I am unable to hold all these feelings in like I'd planned to do when I came home from the hospital.

If you know me in real life, I'm probably going to freak out. Please pretend not to notice.

But I am upright. I am living life. I am going to work. I'm seeing friends & I'm loving my kids.  

I was beyond hurt when I found out this week that as soon as 2 weeks after I got out of the hospital, my husband was asking my therapist when it would be "safe" for him to leave. I was hurt because I still thought he was trying and I'd lost him long before that time. I felt foolish and pathetic and sad. I was also hurt because that is not the kind of man I've always known my husband to be.

But then, depression has a lot of victims.

The kids are okay. They're as good as they could be I think. They might be even better if I could stop crying every once in a while. (I have had almost two full days without crying!)(Five without crying in front of the kids.)

But, I am not going to beat myself up about crying in front of the kids. I've been careful to explain to them that I'm sad because this is really awful, but even in my darkest times I've been able to tell them, truthfully, that this is going to be okay. We are all going to be okay.

We just have to go through this pain.

I'm not going beat myself up for writing all this down.

It makes Logan very angry that I write the way I do. He's tried to get used to it, to accept it as part of who I am, what makes me who I am. But he's never liked it and now that I have no reason to temper my words, I'm sure he's worried about what I'll publish.

He's not wrong to worry about this, I know this. I do have a hard time controlling myself especially when I am in emotional distress. On the one hand I like to think, 'Oh well, this is a snapshot of my life right now' and on the other hand I realize how damaging words can be.

It's part of what I've been working on in therapy and this set back has made that difficult again. 

Logan is worried about me sharing the intimate details about our marriage, the places where I feel it fell apart. And though I know there is never any "truth" in these sorts of things, there's only ever what you think, what the other person thinks and then...maybe reality but no one will ever actually know reality.

I feel pretty strongly about my truth, at least most of it, some of it I know is only "truth" because I am hurting and afraid.

Of course I'm writing this on a Good Day. On a bad day I feel like Linda Blair spraying split pea soup around the room. 

I believe our marriage was salvagable, but now there are tiny peeks of things I've overlooked and lived with because I loved Logan and I loved our life. 

The other day I realized I had been looking at the best in Logan and dismissing everything else. That's the way I've written about him the majority of the time I've had this site, because he is a whole lot of good. He really is. I could never deny that truth.

But...but there have been times, many times he wasn't who I believed him to be. There have been many times he didn't live up to who he is supposed to be. I say "supposed" to be because I know he is all those beautiful things, even now, I know he was supposed to be more whole than he is right now. 

I know he's not supposed to be that with me.

I looked for the best in Logan and ignored the rest. I realized this week he hadn't returned the favor in a long time (though he did for quite some time) and that was very eye opening. 

My therapist said to me a few weeks ago, "Most people in marital trouble come in to my office pointing fingers at the other part of the relationship to define what's 'wrong'. You're the first one who came in believing the complete opposite. Everything is not your fault."

I realized then that believing you're the problem gives you an odd sense of power. If you're the problem, you are also the solution. The only problem is when you're working your ass off to fix the problem and everything keeps falling apart anyway. 

At that point you're the problem and you're too broken to even fix it. It's a heavy load.

Logan came into our recent round of therapy blaming me for what had gone wrong in our relationship. He lashed out and lashed out hard. Fat, lazy, turning into my mother...all my hot spots. After a few therapy sessions he changed his story saying no one was to blame, no one was at fault, we'd just grown apart. He was worn out by the life we have shared up to this point and couldn't go on.

This is mature, sure. But I also feel like it never acknowledges what he's done wrong.

I've been very open about what I did wrong in our marriage. I have depression, I have a hard time discerning blood and ketchup, I am quick to be defensive and angry. I've blown up friendships Logan held dear (that perhaps I should have held dear) as a result of these personality faults. My open filter has made Logan uncomfortable with family and sometimes friends. 

I am not fat and I am not lazy, but it would be impossible for me to argue my emotional shortcomings in all their various forms. I wish I could fix them but the truth is, while I keep working and changing and growing, I'll never be someone entirely different than I am. Perhaps if you checked in on me at 20 year intervals only, you'd see the growth that happens in that time. 

Logan, just doesn't seem able to see those sorts of things in himself. Or rather, he doesn't seem able to communicate his awareness of those sorts of things in himself...maybe both. I like to think it would make me feel better if Logan would stop saying no one is to blame for how things have turned out and would say instead, "Here's where I f-ed up."

But then maybe it wouldn't feel better because then I'd think, "Okay well you know that! NOW FIX IT!!!!"

There's really no winning at this point. There's no feeling better. 

The only thing you can do in this place is trust the future. Trust that everyone is right, that it will get better. That your kids will get used to this. That you'll find new friends to replace the ones you're losing. That you'll learn things about yourself you didn't know.

But most of all I'm hoping I realize that Logan came into my life when he was supposed to. We were better together for a long time. Now I have to trust that I've grown enough to be better all on my own.

Keep in mind you're reading this on a good day.
I reserve the right to tear Logan's innards out tomorrow. Figuratively, of course.

Logan is moving out on Saturday.
The kids are going to stay there Sunday and Monday, Logan will take them to their first day of school.

I've always loved time alone in my own house, it recharges me. But I have to tell you I am terrified of what it will feel like when I realize this is my new "normal", that my husband is gone, my kids are gone and I am alone.

I hope those days are "good" days too. 

******

Today I took my paycheck to my bank and deposited it into my own account. And I withdrew my rent from that deposit as a cashier's check and it wasn't all of my paycheck. There was still money left.

When I got home, my checks were in the mailbox.

MELISSA SUMMERS 

In big letters, just my name. On the first solo account I've had since the Standard Federal account I opened when I was 18.

******

It's so scary to be facing this new life only trusting everyone else that it will be okay eventually.

On the good days I realize this is supposed to be happening. That I have so much to learn. 

I met Logan when I was 20 and a very scared little girl. I am 37 years old now and I've learned so much in this lifetime. On the good days I know this is supposed to be happening.

On the bad days I can't accept this is my new life. I just want to hold onto all the good we had that I thought would sustain us forever. 

On the good days, I know it was supposed to end this way.

 

In kindergarten I thought I'd be an office worker or a babysitter. Done & Done, Kiddo.

Oh, hey. 

I'm still okay. My job is still amazing and keeping me okay even when it's not really all that okay.

Right now my sadness and anxiety is situational related to situations I can't talk about except in the privacy of my therapist's office. So pretty much back to where I was in April. Sigh.

The job though, people told me that I'd feel so good with a job. That it would allow me to not spend my day aimlessly trying to control things that are not in my control. The job would help build up my confidence. It would make me happier. And, back when I was afraid of getting a job, or afraid of no one wanting to give me a job, I didn't believe it.

But it's true. I freaking love this job. I love going to the office in the morning. I like the routine. I like creating routines and setting up organizational methods. I like the deadlines and the flexibility. And the nerf guns at my head and the picture of my kids on my little shelf and my lucky kitten there too. It's all just perfect. 

• On Friday we had a summer half day. I got into the office and wrote a post for the company blog that had been troubling me.
• Then I met with the legal department to discuss a web accessibility issue. (Me! Taking a meeting with lawyers!) 
• Then, when I got back to my desk I helped a team compose a Facebook message to soothe a community in their promotion. 
• Then, I got shot in the back of the head with a nerf dart (this means they like you).
• Next I helped my coworker find information about collecting her small claims judgement and it was good news (you can have someone's lisence suspended if they don't honor a small claims judgement against them due to a car accident).
• Then I advised an SVP on his twitter account.
• Finally I went to get a soda out of the machine and I got two icy cold beverages for the price of one. 

Boom! It was an awesome day and as I wrapped things up at my computer for the weekend, I felt exactly like this lady. 

(Can you believe I found that clip? I love YouTube. For some reason I loved it as a kid.) 

So what I'm trying to say is that everyone was right. My job is filling a need I sort of knew I had but didn't realize how deeply I did. 

So I'm okay for the most part. I'm keeping everything together and tonight at therapy I sobbed like a 5 year old when my therapist told me there's no scorekeeper in the game of life. Just because a lot of bad things have happened to you, it doesn't mean they're not going to happen anymore. Just because you're right, it doesn't mean things will turn out like you want. 

There's no accounting system for bad things, or for good things. You don't deserve good things or bad things. 

And you don't get to be in control of anything. 

I've always known that, and I do know that. 

Still sometimes like tonight that feels like a big open wound in my chest. When bad things happen, I wonder what I did wrong to make it happen. When good things happen I worry I don't deserve it. 

And, it doesn't take a doctorate degree to know why that is. 

But I am really sad about that tonight. Trying to accept that truth. Trying to learn to live with that truth. 

I'm breathing in & out, and doing peppy typing at the office and most of all trying not to let my anxiety about everything come out as anger.

I'm trying to be strong and vulnerable.
This is something new.  

 

Gratitude.

I've been saving your emails until I had time to really read them and respond and I just...I can't. You're far too kind and far too loving.

I used to spend all day looking at email and being unsure how to respond. Now I am in front of my email for 2-3 hours....and I still don't know how to respond.

It's hard to say thank you. It's hard not to feel embarrassed by your words of encouragement and admiration. It's hard to tell you you'll be okay. It's hard to tell you how much it helps to know there are people pulling for me. It's hard to tell you how many people love me in my every day life and I keep ruining those relationships too. 

So please know that I've read every email. Every word you've sent. And I've tried to put it all as much in my soul as I can. Because I love this community very very much. But its like there's a hard shell around me that doesn't let all this love really wash over me. 

Maybe I'm too broken. It's something I think about a lot when I'm feeling particularly broken as I often have over the last 8 years I've had this site. The broken feeling comes back, it always comes back. 

I hope therapy helps with that. In time. 

But I've read all the love you've sent me. And I've cried. I've imagined the pain of knowing someone who is depressed and not being able to fix it. The pain of being Logan. I've known your pain in depression. I understand and I don't know how to tell you that it will be okay though in my gut, without crisis, I know that to be the truth. 

I hope you can find that truth if you're struggling. I hope your loved ones can find that truth if they're struggling.  

Thank you.

 

Fourteen Day Countdown

I did it! I finally landed a job offer! 

When I got the call I...may have passed out 3 times during the discussion of the actual offer. I am beyond happy about this change in my life. Of course it's not without worrying, because I am who I am.

I'm securing a summer sitter and wondering how the kids will adjust to a Summer of Sitters. Which is, frankly, better than a Summer of a Frustrated Mother Who Doesn't Exactly Relish The Role of Full Time Mother. Then I wonder how they'll adjust to life without mom home after school, the 12 days I was away in Texas was probably good practice for that, but it'll still be new for us as a family. 

I am not focusing on this sort of thought process very much because (with pharmeceuticals) I've come to learn that almost everything happens over time without very much panic on my part. So we'll just focus on getting through the summer and then the fall and then so on and so on. 

I start the job right after the Fourth of July weekend so I have two weeks to pack in summer with the kids. For many people this wouldn't seem like enough time, but for me...it's absolutely perfect. There's no looming 10 weeks of time to fill...just 2 weeks to do fun stuff with the kids. By the time I'm bored and the bickering has started, I'll be handing off the task to a babysitter. Sublime.

But! I have a question especially for those of you who've been working outside the house for some time. If you had two weeks off with your kids...what would you do so that you really felt like you'd gotten everything out of that time? 

I ask because, after 12 years of being at home with the kids, working freelance and other times not, I know I've come to take for granted the miles and miles of time I have with the kids. I can imagine in 3, 6, 9 months and beyond I'll likely look back wistfully at all those miles of time rather than the anxiety I feel now when faced with those same miles of time to fill up.

What are the things you wish you had time to do with your kids when you're at the office most of the week? What sorts of things should I do to get my house/family ready for the change of pace being a full time working parent will bring? 

All advice wanted (except if your advice is to not go back to work....kindly skip that advice).

(PS: My first paycheck will pay off my student loan....yes, I realize I'm 37. Life hasn't gone according to plan.)

 

End of The Year Brunch With Bonus Naval Gazing.

I decided to host a brunch for a few school moms, to celebrate (or mourn) the end of the year. I've never hosted a brunch before and since breakfast food is among my favorite, I couldn't wait. Additionally: Mimosa!

When I start to think about a party I usually look at the bookmarks I've collected to see what stands out. Now, however, I make boards on Pinterest to collect inspiration. I collect so much inspiration that by the time I have to make purchases and decisions I'm overwhelmed with pretty pretty things. I end up using one or two of the many ideas I've collected and call it a day. Here's my End of the Year Brunch board and my Parties, All Kinds board for your enjoyment.

Of course I also always have grand plans and somehow I seem to think I'll have a million dollars by the time I actually host the party...so then I work backwards and do something a little more tame. (I cancelled the live music, clown and petting zoo.)

I was going to send out real invitations as a novel change from the usual but then free looked better so I used Pingg. I meant to line the driveway and deck with balloons and have coordinating banners strung all over the porch...and then...I didn't. 

I did buy a few parasols (I bought them here) because I think I can use them for other parties this summer. I hung them in the covered level of our deck.  

That concludes the picture portion of this post because I am...well I'm a crappy blogger who forgets that to be a lifestyle blogger one would need to maybe document one's life. Sorry. 

The parasols made a nice back drop for a simple meal of fruit salad, The Pioneer Woman's coffee cake and Helen Jane's egg casserole. Additionally we had coffee and orange juice and heh, WAY more champagne than anyone could have wanted on a Monday morning.

I'M SORRY I'M JUST REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO SUMMER!!! (Yes I wrote that.)

I bought a 6 quart jar with spout and was quite excited about how cute it would look all full of orange juice. Sort of like this..cute!?

Source: google.com via Melissa on Pinterest

 

Unfortunately I bought my adorable jar at World Market for $15 and the night before the party as we filled it with 5 quarts of orange juice the side of it cracked open (!?) and all my orange juice and cute party details went down the drain. Doesn't it look lovely though? Sniffle. 

Source: copycatchic.com via Ashley on Pinterest

Fortunately none of this stuff really matters when you're trying to host a party to get to know some new friends and spend time with your old ones. The weather was perfect, the deck is perfect for spending a sunny morning with friends, the menu was easy to put together with low stress during the morning rush. The dog was annoying but three out of four isn't bad.

Something in my life I've been struggling with lately is how much time we spend trying to impress everyone else with how great we are. How much we want it to look like things are always smooth for us. How our house is always clean and our outfits are dashing and we're effortlessly thin and we never argue with our husbands...

This has always been true, I know that and I've always struggled with it. That's really how this website was born: my version of motherhood didn't look as neat, tidy and brimming with boundless joy as the women I was surrounded with in those early years with little kids.

But as social media has become a part of my every day life (not just blogs, I mean aquaintances keeping in touch on Facebook and such) I've realized I choose to portray more than most people do and as a result....I have to accept that my image is affected by that openness. People know I struggle with depression, that I'm quick to get angsty about things, that I'm not "easy-going", that sometimes I want to punch my husband in the face...

An old friend told me once that if you choose to be overweight, that's fine. You can do that. But you have to accept that people will judge you differently. Sometimes when I share a lot or my party isn't perfect or my jeans have a number inside the waistband I wish was smaller...I think about the truth of what she said that to me. 

Obviously I don't totally dismiss that statement, if I did I wouldn't even remember it being said and I wouldn't write it down here. But whenever I'm afraid of what people think of me, whenever I worry about how I look in my clothes, when I worry if my party is cute enough, I take a deep breath and remember that the people I want to care about won't care. 

Sometimes that works better than others. 

 

My Long Break

I went to Texas for 12 days. I went without my family and spent a full 7 of those days all by myself. You would think this would be awful. But it actually wasn't for someone like myself who likes a slow pace and the freedom that comes from doing whatever you want whenever you feel like it. 

I went to San Antonio to visit my friend Jean. Jean was heading to Italy and France for a couple of weeks with her husband and all of her (grown) kids. I'm sure her vacation was nice but I had this all to myself.

Yes, I realize that's her every day life, whatever. (Look how I didn't even stage this picture...you can see my bathing suit on the lounge chair and everything. That's old school blogging.)

Once Jean left for her so called "vacation" my friend Chris came down to visit. She ate her first gluten free french toast at The Little Aussie Bakery and we saw the movie Bridesmaids, which made me laugh...though the food poisoning scene...let's say I have a sensitive gag reflex.

Then we drank coffee, read magazines and sat in the hot tub. Sometimes all at the same time. Chris stayed out in the little guest suite even though the house has enough bedrooms and bathrooms for a small army, because I think everyone should stay in the little guest suite. Especially people who need a break. I stayed in Jean's room. It was a hardship but...you know...

When Chris went back home, I drove up the next day to Austin to see my friend Jill who I hadn't seen in years. Literally. Luckily she's easy to hang out with and took me to get a cupcake from a food truck. Food trucks and swimming pools are two extremely lacking areas of my life. 

I raced home from Austin because I was also dog sitting Sophie....and Sophie wasn't happy about two things: I'm not Jean and I didn't invite her to dinner with Jill and me.

I tried but Sophie just didn't like me as much as her regular people. I took her for lots of walks, even through Brackenridge park which actually I think annoyed her even more as she probably thought I was lost. When she woke up at 6am I fed her, even though the note said she didn't eat until 7am...Sophie, I was on vacation....and I like you that much!

Here's Sophie watching me watch television suggesting that maybe she could SHOW ME TO THE DOOR NOW.

I tried to explain to her that my dog thinks I am THE SHIT, but she didn't care.

When I wasn't lounging by the pool I did a little sight-seeing. I walked through the King William neighborhood and ate lunch at Mad Hatters Tea House. I also drove around like a complete moron trying to find this enourmous thing.

It's the tallest thing in San Antonio and I couldn't find it. My GPS was confused as well* and took me into an unrelated hotel parking structure where I paid $9 for the privilige of realizing I was at the wrong place. 
*My gps wasn't really confused...it was all me. 

But then I rode the elevator to the top and it was all worth it....especially the part where it was full of loud school kids on field trips and also the observation deck is a windy spot and the dress I was wearing really really wanted to be over my head, rather than protecting my modesty as God intended. 

That was enough tourism for me so I went back to what I do best.

Don't worry I went to yoga every day so it wasn't all fun and games... 

Except that it mostly was all fun and games. 

I came home and Logan and the kids (and a few well placed friends, Thanks Stephanie!) worked like a well oiled machine managing school, full time job, baseball, a 2 mile race, braces, an ear infection, a school concert, a few parties and a bat in the house.

A bat. In the house. That was flying around my son's room while he slept.

I think it's great Logan is so capable of managing the house and kids without me. It would cause me limitless irriation if he was a dad who had to call me every three minutes to ask where I keep the laundry detergent or Max's baseball gear, or where the orthodontist is located...but on the other hand I admit it: It's nice to be missed. 

Maddie and I texted a little back and forth and she filled me in on some of the tiny cracks in the Super Dad bill of fare Logan was selling me. I didn't want him to fail, but it was reassuring to hear that it was a little stressful for him and he's not Mary God Damn Poppins when I'm away. But even with Maddie's inside scoop, I admit it, he's better at managing chaos than I am. 

Of course I went to cook dinner a couple days after I got home, started up the oven and smelled something funny. I opened the oven and oh...

Baking sheets from the slab of ribs he cooked 10 days earlier. It's not a lot but it's not Type A and I'll take what I can get when trying to prove The Robot's humanity.

Easter 2011

Oh. Hey. 

I haven't felt like writing, I feel like being totally transparent and very private right now. It's a very foreign feeling for me.

I thought I'd share some pictures from Easter with you instead. 

Logan said when I snapped this, "Oh look! It's like my hands are a nest...that's precious." He was being sarcastic but I'm sure he'll be thrilled I made him sound so douchey.

Look how happy he is!

Yes, we didn't color our eggs until around 3 o'clock in the afternoon on Easter Day. Luckily we're godless heathens so it doesn't matter.

This is Maddie pretending for 12.3 minutes that she isn't annoyed by everything about this family and these easter eggs. She's got a rough life. 

Here's a gratuitous shot of my dog. My neurotic dog who needs therapy as much as me.

And that's a lot of therapy. 

Let's Panic About Babies: A Winner!

We have a winner! After removing all duplicate comments, sorry everyone, it looks like Typepad had its period yesterday, I had 133 comments to pick from. 

Random.Org picked, Jana! Commenter #47! Watch your email Jana, I'll be in touch. 

Yesterday Eden and Alice let me know they have an additional book to giveaway with a bonus. You're going to love that bonus, and the story I'm going to tell you to lead into that bonus. I'll be doing that giveaway on Friday, so stay tuned. 

In the meantime, I'm working on some new "Did They Eat It?"s...including one...a miracle. EVERYONE ate it and it wasn't something lame like chicken nuggets. 

This is a post full of suspense isn't it? Sorry! Tomorrow For Sure. 

Let's Panic About Babies: Giveaway! [Update]WINNER!

Surely you've heard my friends Alice of Finslippy and Eden of Fussy got together and wrote a book. The book is called Let's Panic About Babies and as the mother of two former babies I can tell you it's important to panic about them. Otherwise you're unprepared for the lasers that will shoot out of their eyes and liquify your brain.

The book is officially released today (!!!) so you need to pick one up immediately. Having read it myself I can tell you two things: if you're knocked up...you are in so much trouble and if you like witty, sarcastic writing (think The Onion), you'll love this book.

Unfamiliar with the Let's Panic style? Check out their website to be dazzled. 

Win It! St Martin's press has graciously given me a copy of this book to read and another to give away. Wonderful! 

Please leave a comment (with email address!) below to be entered to win (one entry per person). I'll choose a winner tomorrow and one of you will be the lucky recipient of hilarity...and knowledge, babies are serious business.

 

[Update: We have a winner! Thank you everyone! I get to do another giveaway though! Watch!]

The gist is true but I filled in some of this chat.

Conversation between a friend's husband and my husband.

Her Husband: "I don't get it, I can make jokes about facials and bukkake all day with your wife and she doesn't raise even an eyebrow."

My Husband: "Yeah, I know."

Her Husband: "But then I imply she doesn't make any money and Holy Crap she wants to tear my testicles off."

My Husband: "Yeah....I know. You probably shouldn't imply that anymore, if you like your testicles anyway."

Reuse Craft Night

The other night Max was supposed to create a craft using repurposed items you'd normally dispose or recycle. He was given a bag with some wire, a few styrofoam peanuts and that was about it.

I took one look at the supplies and planned to help Max make a styrofoam peanut caterpillar walking on a couple of popsicle sticks. I'm super creative. 

Luckily Logan is generally in charge of these types of projects. Look what they came up with:

It's a helicopter. 

They used a shell, some cardboard, picture hangers, pipe cleaners...

A fuzzy thing we had in our craft box, magnets and a bottle cap...

My favorite part is the wire hanger made into a display rack.

Snow Day: Sled Day!

I've become increasingly fond of snow days. I don't feel like my day is ruined by that early morning call from the superintendent. Unfortunately for Max his biggest dreams for snow days involve being outside....in the actual snow. 

This is something I try to avoid because I am a fragile flower.

But this last snow day I sucked it up and we went sledding. When I say "we" I mean the kids because we're between insurance for another few weeks (knock on wood) and God knows I'd break my face again if I attempted a run down the hill. 

About a half hour into this adventure I realized....we don't have insurance for another few weeks...so what the hell did I bring the kids here for? I spent the rest of our visit wincing and praying no one broke a bone.

Fortunately, Maddie is the most uncoordinated, cautious sledder in the world. She leaned to fall off the minute she went faster than .002 mph. Daredevil, she is not.

Maddie brought a friend because how could she have fun with her brother? 

Max brought a friend because Maddie refuses to have fun with him.

At the end, we were all exhausted, cold....and happy.

And I noticed, in the car, a halo had appeared over my head because I am the Nicest Mother Ever.

Eminem quoted the guy I share a bed with.

You may remember that Logan changed jobs in December and about 5 days in we started on an insane roller coaster of late nights, cancelled parties, non existent weekends as a family and even less existent family dinners, tears and frustration. 

I knew this job was going to be more intense than Logan was used to because it's a new business. But I figured I'd be taking the trash out, doing the snow shoveling and serving dinner closer to 7 rather than 5:30. I did not, could not, foresee the intense dread I felt every evening at 5pm when Logan would inevitably call to say, "Not coming home."

At one point I may have suggested Logan get a hotel near the office so we could just pretend he wasn't coming home until this project was finished. It was awful.

Luckily for my twitter and Facebook friends (I can whine...oooh boy can I whine) now that the project is done, things have been much more like I expected them to be. As a bonus, Logan is happy to go to work again and this is something that makes our lives so much better.

But to the point, the thing Logan was working on in that time was the catalog for the new Chrysler 200. Logan asked me to be sure to point out that the catalogs are a team effort. Logan obviously came in toward the end of the project so the 200 catalog is not "his"...it's the agency's success. And it's lovely. (Though I admit I may have hissed at it when he first brought it home, I was still working through my bitterness.)

On Sunday we were watching the Superbowl, and you all saw the 200 commercial and it was pretty good. And you know that part toward the end? Where Eminem says, "This is the Motor City, and this is what we do."?

Logan goes, "Whoa...I wrote that line!" And he pulls out his catalog and holy crap there it is!

Dude has run several marathons, a few 200 mile bike rides, does triathlons....and I'm kind of....not so into it.
He writes a sentence that captures the feel of what is going on in this city, what we're proud of, and my panties fly off. 

I'm really proud is what I'm saying. 

Additionally, the commercial has got me thinking and I think I finally realized why I don't fit here. 

The collective "narrative" of this area was reflected in this ad, they captured it perfectly. 

"The hottest fires that make the hardest steel."
"Hard work, conviction..."

The story of this area has always been this idea that you endure, you survive, you fight your way back....it's in everything...the story of the city's collapse, the auto industry's failure, the housing crisis...even our weather. I don't live in Detroit, I live 10 miles away, but this narrative is true for this entire region.  

And what I realized?
I don't like to survive. I don't like to endure. I don't like to fight (though I'm up for a good argument any day of the week!). 

Maybe because I clawed my way through my childhood.
But all I know is I prefer easy. 

Have you ever felt like you don't fit where you are? Like your personal narrative isn't reflected in the culture where you live? 

New Years Eve 2010-2011

 

We had a really good New Year's Eve party this year and I pulled it together in about 3 days.

We had 35 people at the height of the night and though our house is small-ish it worked out better than you'd think. One key, forget about messes and maybe plan on having concrete floors in your basement so the kids can't exactly ruin anything.

This year as opposed to other years I decided to up the traditions of the night. Usually we let the kids pop bubble wrap at midnight. 

This year I decided to add some more traditions. Like a peppermint pig.

A Peppermint Pig is a peppermint candy shaped like a pig. It goes in a velvet bag, the silver hammer is used by each guest (youngest to oldest) to smash it to smaller bits.

Each guest eats a piece of the candy for good luck. I ate a lot of peppermint that night. 

Another tradition I read about this year was Doce Uvas.

It's a Spanish New Year's Tradition to eat 12 grapes on New Years Eve for 12 months of sweetness. Of course you're really supposed to eat the 12 grapes as the big clock at Puerta del Sol chimes Midnight on New Year's Eve.

Don't tell the kids this. They ate a lot of grapes hoping for good luck.

Some kids ate more than one skewer because they obviously wanted some extra luck.

Just before midnight we walked across the street to watch the ball drop at Royal Oak's first Rockin The Eve ball drop. 

Here's Max at the top of the parking garage with one of his friends from preschool. 

And here is Maddie pretending she hates us and this entire night. 

We went back across the street after the ball drop and the kids (and adults) wore crazy glasses. The kids looked cuter.

Wanna have your mind blown? This is Caroline:

This was Caroline:

It's weird how kids keep aging and yet, I stay the same. 

We did a fake new year and let the kids pop a room full of bubble wrap after the actual new year. It was quieter than last year because I didn't hand out noisemakers. 

I also bought 3 dozen doughnuts we served after the bubble wrap destruction because round foods are thought to bring good luck in some cultures.

Uh...you could say I'm praying for good luck this year.

In the end we all stayed awake until 3:30am. This was notable especially for Max and me because in years past we just crashed around 12:05am. It was not entirely attractive but I thought you'd enjoy it.

I hope you had a wonderful New Year's Eve and didn't find a doughnut tucked into your underwear drawer in the morning. 

Though, maybe that's extra extra good luck.

Christmas 2010: Win!

Did I mention I got my replacement camera a few weeks ago? It's been so nice to have real pictures of my kids and, let's be honest the dog. The lead up to Christmas was, in a word, disappointing. Logan hit the ground running at his new job and the 13-17 hour days for 20 days straight was a little much.

When indecisiveness threatened to take even our Christmas day away, I may have dropped my basket. That was fun!

But the team knocked the job out to the printer by late night Wednesday and Christmas was saved. (Err...sorry Print Team!)

Since right after Thanksgiving I've been making cinnamon rolls. I made a test half batch and determined they were pretty good. But then I made another batch and needed to make sure they were also good. Then I decided I like my pants so I knocked off the "testing" phase and began stockpiling cinnamon rolls in my downstairs freezer. 

Here's another shot of the freezer full of cinnamon rolls. I'll be honest it kind of became an addiction the baking of the cinnamon rolls. (*I used The Pioneer Woman's Recipe. I tend to use her recipes when I want something guilt laden and not to be eaten but once a year.)

If you ever want to suffer, bake up 32 pans of cinnamon rolls and don't eat any of them. I baked the rolls in disposable pans and frosted them immediately after baking. I let them cool and wrapped them in aluminum foil with their plastic lids before putting them in the freezer. 

I may also have called them "ladies" and asked if they bathed in cupcakes and rainbows. Look, they smelled real nice.

Logan made a label for the pans, and before attaching them I took the aluminum foil off the (pretty, pretty) rolls.

Don't you want to make out with them? Admit it.

The tag reads: "Incredible Delicious Cinnamon Rolls | They're cooked and ready to make your life more complete. Thaw and gently heat in the oven when you're ready. If you eat them on Christmas morning I'm certain they have no calories. Happy Holidays From The Summers'!"

We delivered all 28 pans on Christmas Eve in a quick drive around town. It was fun to see the surprise on everyone's face but even more fun was reading in texts and on Facebook how much people were enjoying their treats on Christmas morning. 

We were lucky this Christmas to be able to give both kids "The Big" thing on their wish lists and I stuck to my basic "Need, Want, Read" guidelines so as not to spoil and overwhelm them.

I was also able to surprise Logan with some things he wanted and a massage to help him recover from his month of stress. (No it isn't at an "Oriental Spa").

As always I was spoiled and Lucy didn't get anything because she's already about $1300 in the hole with us and her damage to our property.

Here's Lucy in front of the fire on Christmas morning thinking, "I didn't think those shoes were that nice anyway...oh and that Garmin? I was trying to help you out...I know you hate when The Guy does those marathons. Thanks for backing me up, jerk."

We were all also pretty surprised by a little bonus for Logan's hard work this month from his boss. So far it's just a Need For Speed machine with occasional use for recipes.

I hope your holidays were lovely and as the year winds down...thank you all for sticking around this year. It's been one of those "off" years for me and I know 2011 is going to be better. 

Tomorrow I've got 18 kids and 10 adults coming to ring in the new year with us. I don't know if I have to remind you what last year looked like. But, okay I will anyway.

New Year's Eve With 24 Kids from Melissa Summers on Vimeo.

Needless to say, Lucy is spending the night at the kennel so she doesn't have a heart attack and/or eat a child's face off. 

Back to Two Cars & A Winner!

The winner of the Windows Phone Giveaway is April! When I told April she was the winner she told me she'd dropped her own phone just the day before breaking it. Hooray for good timing!
I was sent the phone yesterday and my goodness it's nice. Enjoy, April! 

Last year Max rode the bus to and from school. Boy I loved that bus, each morning I'd loop around, get Max on the bus, take Lucy on her walk and then spend the rest of the day avoiding the outside world. No car required, so we became a one car family.

This was all well and good except that by the end of the school year last year it became quite daunting to actually leave the house. Like I'd spend a day or two mentally preparing to go to the grocery store. Oh and maybe I upped my "pretend workout" wardrobe to include an unbecoming number of yoga pants.

I know there are people in the world who can feel like productive human beings without showering and putting on pants with buttons each day, but I'm not one of them. I ended up feeling like an unshowered sloth each day when the kids were delivered back to my darkened den of isolation. 

This year the school district cut bussing and while I understand, and really I'd rather they cut the bus and not a music program. However it meant I would have to be in the drop off/pick up lane at the elementary school. Our school's drop off and pick up is full of the most unbelievable moments of jackassery. From the guy who parks in the middle of the lane reading his paper to the guy who tells the principal, "Look honey, we've been doing this for a long time..." when she asks him to follow the rules and let *everyone* drop their children off in a timely manner.

It's all a recipe for me committing a homicide.

I don't think the school district thought that through.

All summer we knew we'd need to get another car in the fall but since I feel like throwing up when contemplating yet another bill to keep track of each month, I delayed the inevitable. 

Since September I've been running a taxi service. I wake up at 7:40 I'd drive Maddie to school, after that I'd loop around to take Logan. When I got home I'd get Max and take him to school. Six hours later I'd drive up to get Maddie, be home for 30 minutes, go get Max. Then I'd wait for a call from Logan an hour later that he was ready to be picked up.

Additionally if Logan had an appointment I'd swing by during the day to chauffeur him to where ever he needed to go.

The only good part was dropping Logan off in the morning was yelling (in front of his coworkers) at him as he walked away from the car, "DON'T FORGET YOUR LUNCH!!!!!"

I did mention in the new school year I wanted to work more routine into my day so I could avoid spending so much time in yoga pants while shut up in my bedroom. Being a chauffeur has done that but I'll admit it was getting a little old especially when Logan started physical therapy twice a week.

So we bought a car on Friday. A (not new) Jeep, the car Logan has always wanted and has always talked himself out of. 

This coincides with the job offer* he got on Monday. At a place that is not less than a mile from our house, this new place is about 10 miles away. This would add an unmanageable commute to our daily drop off/pick up route.

So it's true, there's another bill to keep track of and the insurance company is taking more of our monies which is disappointing.

But cutting at least an hour of driving someone else around all week and that might be worth it.

I promise not to use that time to hide in my bedroom.

 

*Yes! Logan got a new job! His last day at the old place was yesterday and he starts his new position on Monday. It's good that someone around here can land a job. 

Twelve Years Ago Today They Sent Me Home With This Kid.

Maddie turned 12 this week. 12 is dangerously close to 13 and having a child who is a teenager is pretty scary I'll admit. Luckily Madison has been giving us lots of practice with biting our tongues and accepting some of her more sullen moods so by the time she's actually a teenager we'll be without tongues so hopefully we won't embarrass her.

I try to have a real party for the kids every other year for their birthdays. On the off years we'll do something small, like have a couple of friends stay the night or go to dinner and a movie.  This year was a party year and we threw together a slumber party in very little time. 

I like Maddie's friends. She seems to be drawn to girls who are funny and kind and not afraid to be enthusiastic. This is good for Maddie who seems at times like she deliberately tries not to have fun. I'm not sure where she got the idea that acting like you're not having fun is cool but My Goodness....sometimes I think my tongue is going to fall off sooner than her 13th birthday at this rate.

For Maddie's sleepover the plan was to have a lot of candy, cake and movies. Also in the plan: Very Little Sleep.

I set up a photobooth for the girls in the dining room. This is ideal because they all (except a lone hold out) are obsessed with Facebook. 108 Facebook photos later, I think they liked it.

They played Beanboozled, a game where you try to avoid getting a disgusting flavored bean like pencil shavings, centipede or baby wipe. Lucy, as you can see, is wondering why everyone's freaking out over the dog food bean, she'll take it.  

Max stayed at a friends house that night to avoid the shrieking herd of elephants on the main level of the house. (Wow, girls shriek a lot!) Logan told the girls to come out on the deck, there's a lunar eclipse tonight!

(Note the girls looking into the dark, while Logan runs the other way...)

Then out of the dark backyard came four boys with cans of silly string flying. This is the aftermath.

Well played boys.

After that excitement we ate popcorn...with a side of bacon. 

I also made chocolate mustache pops for the girls. Because, yeah, mustaches and bacon. It's the Internet a year ago in my house! (You can find the mustache mold here.)

Sigh, remember when I had a real camera? That took actual pictures? That was nice. Oh well...

Why don't you check out this Photobooth picture of my beautiful, complex, emotionally smart twelve year old daughter?

Her friends have actual faces, but you know....better safe than a social pariah among the middle school parents!

She drives me totally nuts but it's been fun watching her become who she is every single day so far. I can't wait to see what comes next. 

*Don't forget to enter to win a Windows Phone 7!

Video Post Outtakes.

My computer cord burned my finger while I was shooting the last video and I caught it on camera...but I said "STUPID FUCKING THING!" really loud and my goodness I don't look very nice when I swear. (Also I don't know how to use iMovie to beep it out, I'm surprised I was able to pull this off actually.)

Please enjoy me, my dog, me saying "hey!" like an idiot.

 

I Spectated The Hell Out Of That Marathon. Where's my medal?

Logan and I went to Chicago this weekend.

One of the unofficial things on my Life LIst is going away with Logan once a year. It's hard to ask my mom to stay over. She prefers her own bed.

But I decided that Logan and I really need to get away together once a year, even if we haven't hired a sitter who can stay for the weekend. Last year we went up to the cabin and it was as amazing as you might imagine. This year we went to Chicago to watch three women (women makes them sound old) Logan works with run the marathon. 

I've always wanted to stay in a house in one of the northern neighborhoods of Chicago but it's kind of pricey for one family since the kids don't have jobs. 

Carrie, Lisa and Jackie are women (girls) I've wanted to get to know better so when I heard they were all doing the marathon I suggested we get a place together. It worked out cheaper than a hotel and much more pleasant than having to navigate our way around the pricey downtown hotels, restaurants and bars. We ended up staying here and it was exactly as advertised in a great neighborhood and cost about $300 for our entire 3 night stay per couple.

I realize this sounds like I was attempting to create an elaborate orgy. Isn't that a plot in a porno? "Hey, I know! Let's all stay in a house together with my husband and have naked pillow fights!" But everyone is attached, except Jackie and she's allergic to feathers. [Sad Trombone]

So yes, Logan and I travelled away from our kids for a STUPID marathon. Again.

But listen this was way better. Way, way better than going to New York for a marathon and losing my husband to the city. Way better than roaming around a city by myself trying to catch a glimpse of my husband. Way better than sobbing in a bar convinced my husband had gone missing.

It was actually nice for Logan to see what goes into watching him run a marathon. I'm not claiming watching a marathon is as hard as running a marathon, but it's not the easiest thing. Here's how it goes. 

Make time markings on a map based on how fast your runners think they'll go. 
Make your way through a city inundated with people (3 million for the Chicago...I don't even want to think what it was for New York).
Get to various spots and wait.
While waiting, redo the math several times.
Question if you've missed your runners.
Maybe they're going faster?
Where's that ambulance going?
Oh God, he's hurt.
Is that him?
Nope.
Wait...is that him?
Nope.
Should we skip ahead to the next spot? 
Oh! Hey! THERE THEY ARE! WOOOOOOO!

Repeat.

At the end of the day Logan said, "I can't believe you do that all by yourself. What a boring day."

And I replied, "You know what's great? When I do that and then you get lost in New York City!"

Heh. Never Forget! It's my motto!

Logan made signs for the ladies.

He may or may not have spread rumors about Oprah pooping her pants during the marathon.
But everyone knows Oprah poops diamonds. 

This is one of the signs on the L, this was nice because the L was crowded and we pretty much hit every passenger in the head with our signs. Chicago loved it. 

All three of our runners finished the race, did not poop and also had whiskey. I consider this success.

Aside from spectating we ate a lot of good food. I personally consumed a lot of macaroni and cheese and Logan ate a hamburger topped with cheese and bacon and a fried egg. He ate the entire thing, plus a side of macaroni and cheese.

Logan and I explored Andersonville a little stopping into Brimfield where I had an Antique-gasm. Then spent 14.2 hours trying to get a cab to head over to Hot Doug's...where we made a lot of predictable jokes about sausages in our mouths. 

On our way over to put sausages in our mouths, we stopped for a little day drinking at Mirabell. There Lisa's boyfriend told us about his dream. Several of Lisa's faceless naked friends are sitting around covered in oil rubbing their bodies together with occasional spankings here and there. 

As it turns out Lisa's boyfriend has the most predictable dreams in the history of the world.

Unfortunately for him we played that scenario out, but he was busy napping. Oh well, maybe next time.

Miss Poodle & Mr Rock And Roll Hair Make A Baby

My friend Jean sent a birthday gift that wasn't my broken teeth. Thoughtful, yes?

She made a card with a picture of me and her oldest back in the 80s. 

In the 80's I enjoyed perming my hair. Also, by all appearances I liked resembling a poodle. 

Max saw this picture and said to me, "Wow, that wasn't your real hair was it?"

"No it was something called a perm."

"Thank goodness that wasn't your hair because Maddie and I would have some bad hair if two people with that kind of hair had babies."

And, Oof! He's right. 

Life List: River Float

This summer we went on a river float. This is an item on my Life List. The best way to tell you about our very first river float would be to show you some colorful, slightly tweaked photos. They'd put you right there. Give you the sense of how great it was. 

I'd show you the cooler full of juice boxes, I'd show you the other cooler full of very light beers (practically water) and the other adult concoction Logan whipped up for the event.

I'd show you the sweet Rottweiler who lived at the place we went to. I'd show you how dirty our car got finding the place we rented our tubes from. I'd show you all the times we turned around and passed the other two families who went with us because all three of our GPS's told us different ways to get there. 

I'd also probably have a pretty good picture of me falling into the water not even two minutes into the float, trying to save the cooler tube from floating away to Canada...(Pro Tip: Ask if they have rope where you rent your tubes. If they don't and you're floating down a river with ten kids and six adults...bring some rope.)

I can't show you these things because someone dropped our camera so this entire summer, my Best Summer In A Long Time, will forever consist of crappy iPhone photos taken with my 3g phone. Sigh. 

We went up north again this summer with some friends, like we did last year. This year there was another family with us and another couple of kids thrown into the mix. 

I'd mentioned I wanted to do a river float before we headed up, everyone was into it, sounded like fun. So we prepared to do it the day before our family went home.

LIFE LIST!

Two of the kids had a traumatic experience with a rain storm a few weeks prior and it threatened to rain at several points during this day. The result was these poor kids were scared the entire time that it might rain. Like two tiny terrified meteorologists...from Texas. (Where rain is considered a state of emergency.)

LIFE LIST!

As we waited to get on the road one of the kids in our group decided the van we would be travelling in to be dropped off up the river to start our float was not suitable. And I'll grant her that. It really wasn't suitable as anything other than a giant rapist van. It was only missing curtains on the windows and maybe some sort of airbrushed eagle. Or angel. But we went on anyway.

LIFE LIST!

One of the older kids told the littler ones there were snakes in the water. Ha ha ha! ...... So those little kids were pretty excited to get in the water. 

LIFE LIST!

We get in the water and the two littlest floaters are, in a word, petrified, though they'd done this before in Florida. I almost brought up the gators in Florida, they should have been scared then not now! But one look at my friend's face as she held the hand of her terrified child told me it wasn't a good idea.
So we floated down the river with a bit of a soundtrack, a soundtrack I'd entitle, "I don't want to do this." One of the kids cried for so long he actually fell asleep. Or maybe he left his body and went to his happy place to endure this particular level of hell. [Enter adult beverages here.] 

LIFE LIST!

A little ways down the river one of our party gets stuck in the branches on the side of the river with one of the really terrified children. As we try to talk them out of their predicament, she screams so loudly I thought to myself, "Holy Crap, the kid was right about the snakes."
It wasn't a snake but an enormous spider. Her husband jumps off his tube to rescue his wife and child who we think are being attacked by a water moccasin. When everyone is safe he realizes...he's lost his wedding band at the bottom of the river.

LIFE LIST!

This is the part of the float where we regrouped. We got our everyone's tubes together, all 10 kids and 6 adults. We got everyone a beverage, the sun came out so the Terrified Meteorologists could relax, the little kids either passed out or started to relax. We came up with a plan for keeping everyone connected and started floating down the river.

Life List!

Keeping all our tubes connected was a little like a giant game of Twister. You grab that persons ankle and another person's hand. Then you switch and someone's holding your ankle and you're grabbing another person's hand. But don't let go without telling someone you're doing it and making sure they're holding onto someone else!

Life List!

Sometimes we ran into trouble, A couple kids stuck on a branch. Or someone accidentally letting go. By that time Maddie had gotten used to walking along the murky river and we'd send her against the current to help collect people and reconnect them to the group. Or more importantly distribute beverages where needed. (Everyone got two!) We started calling her our "River Otter". As in, "River Otter! Help!" I don't think I've ever seen Maddie so happy to help anyone. Even her brother.  

Life List!

One of our friends likes to yell "Hey Oh!" Maddie thinks it's when someone says something inappropriate. I think of it more as an all-purpose exclamation. We started a Call and Response halfway down the river. One person yelling "Hey" everyone else yelling "Oh!"

Life List!

By the time we arrived at the dock, with the big friendly rottweiler waiting to greet us, we were all relaxed. Everyone had had fun (except maybe our youngest travel companion who was happy...it was over).  We were all in sync. 

We were a team. 

Life List!

Back in the Saddle

We woke up at 6:30 this morning after a summer of lazy mornings lounging in bed for longer than I'm willing to admit publicly. Lucy looked around and said, "What the hell is going on?" 

We are still working with one car, though I'm sure very soon I'll lose my patience with the situation now that there are no more busses. When this happens I'll probably steal your car. Sorry. As of now I'm running a literal chauffer service just like the most cliched cliche. 

When I drop Logan at the office I yell as loud as I can, "Make sure you're waiting for me after school! I don't want to have to find you!!!!"

He's loving it. 

I think I'm going to see a movie all by myself today. It's the kind of thing I always mean to do but never really do. 

Since I am still just an unemployed nothing, I'm thinking I need to do more of those things I always mean to do during the day. Mostly so I don't sit around the house wishing I was being more motivated to do things. 

Which brings me to my School Year Resolutions:
Find a shared work space. 
Build routine into my day, everyday.
Conquer the several painting projects I have around the house. 
Repaint the entire first floor and upstairs hallway.
Nest the hell out of my house. 
Get back to cooking for a bit.
Buy a new camera. 

Do you have any resolutions for this school year? "Eat Frosting Naked On The Kitchen Counter"? Or "Finish That Thesis"? 

Show off.

Simple.

The kids and I slept in the tent we bought for our upcoming August camping trip. 

Every time* Max sleeps in a tent, it rains. It doesn't just rain, GOD IS PISSED MAX IS SLEEPING IN A TENT. 

God opens the sky and pours out his rage at everyone for letting Max sleep in a tent**.

*This is literal: Every time Max has slept in a tent it has at least rained. Rained A Lot. 

**I don't know why God is mad, I suspect it has little to do with Max in a tent, but I'm just using the context clues. 

While we were in the tent a lot of storms blew over us. Maddie is not a fan of storms because storms mean she isn't in control of the gravitational pull of the earth and this is upsetting to her. I mostly understand this, luckily when I worry about things, nothing bad happens to my family or those I love. Madison hasn't learned to hone her worry to those sorts of things.

I mean really? Trying to control weather? How juvenile. 

Maddie cried a little, especially when a crack of thunder happened directly over our heads. Logan says (he slept in the house) (He isn't as much fun as me) (except in a lake) the power went out with that crack of thunder.

I held her head on my shoulder on the air mattress and I put her hand to my chest and put my hand over it. Max, laying next to us, put his hand underneath. They both fell asleep like that. 

I wish all their fears, all their problems, were so easily soothed.

Summer Fun

I've been charging my computer up about once a week. I barely open it.

Luckily I'm not working for anyone else this summer so there's really no guilt and shuffling of priorities and the unending guilt that I feel when I can't do something with my kids because I'm working. 

I'm pretty happy with how the summer has been going, surprisingly. Of course what is this? Week three?  

The weather this summer so far (KNOCK ON WOOD) has been lovely compared to last year's aggravating Festival Of Rain. We've been entertaining friends again (last week 3 times!), something we kind of stopped doing at some point over the winter. 

Yesterday we spent the day out at Cass Lake with friends and their kids. Max, Maddie and Logan all went tubing on our friend's boat, for the first times. One of the only experiences I have had and Logan hasn't. On the drive home I said to Logan, "I swear I feel like we're up north." 

If you're not from Michigan you should know that Up North is like Situational Prozac or maybe Enviromental Prozac. 

My favorite thing about summer vacations up north with the kids is the nights after playing in the water all day. Around 4 or 5 you start considering scheduling showers for all the adults and kids in the house.

Everyone's skin smells like summer and feels warm to the touch...but you're not uncomfortably hot. You feel that excellent water logged relaxation in your whole body. You sit at a restaurant, usually with several families and eat a good dinner and by 9 you're ready to crawl into bed with a good book because tomorrow you're going to get up and hang out in the water all day again.

After our afternoon on the water we stopped for dinner in town with the kids and I realized I want almost all of our summer to feel like we're on vacation up north. 

That's what I've been trying to do. Staying away from the computer for the most part, spending 3-5 hours at the pool, going to the movies, eating dinner on our deck, sitting on the upper deck with Logan having an evening cocktail watching the bats fly overhead at dusk. 

Also driving this view of a relaxed, easy summer is the realization that I think I'm ready for a job out of my house. (Lucy? Is not happy to hear this.) July 14th I have my long awaited interview. 

This could very well be the last summer I have to just hang out with the kids every day in the summer. We are all well aware that acting as my children's Number One Source Of Entertainment doesn't fit me very well. But I'm smart enough to realize that all this time with them, all this time to fill, all this flexibility, is something I will miss when it's gone. 

Now it's true I still bristle when I take Maddie to the pool and she rolls her eyes and says, "LAME". Or I tell her to call a friend and she says, "No, I'll just sit here all day bored.*"

*In so many words.

The nice thing is, on the good days of this summer I think to myself, "I just want to absorb all this so I can remember it forever, we're so lucky to have this time together." 

And on the more annoying days I think to myself, "Next summer I'll be working out of the house and Logan will have to be here some of the time and they'll have to go to day camp and they'll have to have a sitter who will keep them entertained."

Somehow it makes everything feel more tolerable. It's okay, you can say it, I'm losing my edge. 

The Summers' Welcome To Summer Dinner Party

Hey, depression got you down? You should throw a party.

I've wanted to have a dinner party in our back yard to welcome summer. This year it was especially important to host a party because since we left the Dream House I've been more reluctant to host parties. I just haven't been feeling it. 

For months I've been collecting ideas and inspiration. But mostly I didn't do anything to get ready for the party until 3 days before the event. I point this out because it wasn't entirely pleasant but on the bright side it goes to show how reasonably easy it can be to throw a dinner party for 10. 

I knew I wanted blue hydrangea and a really bright pink flower to go with it. I wanted a menu we could prepare and serve outside and I wanted to eat at a big round table. My round table dreams were dashed into the ground by a miscommunication with the place I reserved the table from in April, prime wedding season and a car that's not big enough to haul a 60" round table. Darn. 

I used the hanging lanterns I bought to use at our New Year's Eve party. I got them from Paper Lantern Store. Unfortunately the large pink one I bought came with the wrong size metal brace so we used orange instead. Logan hung a cable from the porch out to another cable he strung between two of our pine trees. We're adding a string of lights to it and will leave it up year round. Cost: $25. I may buy the nylon version to keep outside for most of the summer.

The blue hydrangea I bought at our local flower shop weren't quite as blue as I'd wanted. 

But they also had peonies and peonies make me want to cuddle. With them. I know, it's awkward now.

My camera is still broken. It's incredibly painful. Thankfully my guests had nice cameras and brought them for me to use. 

There was soda and Sierra Nevada to drink, but also other yummy things.

Like Helen Jane's White Sangria. 

Maddie stamped the napkin rings. Ideally I would have used real flatware but I own 8 sets and had 10 guests so we went this route.

We made the award-winning fish tacos from that Beyond The Shaker Challenge dinner we attended this winter. Logan made these little cards for me to write what each of the toppings for the tacos were. Each card said something we love about summer. 

Our friend Phil is The Grumpy Barista. He roasts coffee beans and makes a delicious cup of coffee at Tasi in downtown Royal Oak. He makes a fantastic BBQ sauce and also a fire roasted tomato salsa that makes you want to marry him even though he's kind of grumpy and you're a straight man. I'm speaking from Logan's perspective here. 

We asked him to make a batch for us to give our guests as parting gifts. Logan made the label and it looks fabulous.

Another of our friends was having a birthday on Monday. His wife made delicious mexican ice cream and I bought sparklers to stand in as candles. The wishes you make on sparklers are a lot better. 

Or so I hear. 

Even the embarrassing moments are bigger in Texas.

I can't tell if my trackpad is acting weird or if I've just been away from my computer so long I've forgotten how to use it. 

I gotta be honest, May kind of sucked. I know, I know, I'm bringing bad things on myself by focusing on how bad each month stinks. I was over April about halfway through. In May my animals all decided to get sick and require lots of cash to be spent on them to prevent them from filling my house with urine.

But June? June has been pretty darn great so far. 7 days in and I am living it up. 

I decided to take a trip down to Texas to see the Mitchell's. The family I've mentioned before who I used to babysit and for a while before I got married, lived in their basement. Which wasn't as creepy as that sounds. 

I used to come down here to visit when I was exceptionally overwhelmed by my marriage or by parenthood...or both. But now I just come down because the change of scenery is nice, the pace of this house is calming, and there is a lot of good food in this part of the country. HOLY CRAP. 

Oh and there's the pool...and 5 O'Clock happy hour...and Cake Wednesday (On Thursday).

I also decided to come down to San Antonio because I needed a shot in the arm of what I call "Jean". The part of me that would like to be normal and not a raging lunatic about silly things, like the phone. Progress on the phone has been minimal but I do feel more normal.

I chose this specific time to take the trip because it was the same time as the Moms Gone Marginally Wild trip to Florida. I decided not to go this year for a bunch of reasons but I was still torn and the thought of trudging through my daily routine while getting texts from my friends lounging at the beach and having a great time together was just too much to face. 

I can vouch it's a lot easier to hear about how much fun your friends are having while sitting next to a pool with an ice cold margarita.

So, here I am. 

So far I've gotten my nails done. Stalked Sophie the dog. 

Drank a few margaritas and ate some molten cheese served in a bowl of volcanic rock. 

Watched some hockey. Hung out with Miles and his siblings (oh and his mom). 

I gawked at Austin and became even more convinced I will have to bash Logan over the head and move him down there. 

I worked REALLY hard on getting some color on my blindingly white skin (I KNOW I'M GOING TO DIE FROM THAT). Oh and I performed a stunning act of acrobatics last night before bed. 

Here's the text I sent Logan moments after.

11:01pm "I just fell ass over apple cart over Dan's green truck. WTF?"

Here's Logan's reply at 

8:21am "What is this? Are you okay???"

So yeah I went up to bed around 11 after a little time in the hot tub and maybe one too many glasses of wine. There's this really cute antique green pedal car in the room I'm staying in. I walked into my room, trying to be quiet since the dad of the house was already in bed in the room next door, shut the door and managed to fling my body over the truck, head over heels, slamming my entire body into the wall behind.

.....

Just go ahead and picture it. 

.....

It's pretty funny, I don't mind.

So I'm laying on the floor, my head against the baseboard and my body up and over me along the wall, and I'm pretty stunned. I think I just did a back handspring, albeit a really clumsy and comical one. Then I remember Joe in bed next door probably thinking, "What the hell?" So I jump up and quickly try to act natural.

"That noise? No I didn't hear any noise. Weird. I mean, I was doing a little acrobatics before going to bed, but other than that....nothing unusual going on in here. Good night!"

I head home tomorrow and I'm going to try really hard to remain upright for the entirety of this next 24 hours. 

June, you and I are going to get along just fine.

I never told that lie again.

I was in sixth grade, feeling increasingly uncomfortable in my own skin. Sixth grade was a hard transition for me. The middle school building felt too big, so did the eighth graders. 

I hated riding the bus. There were these two girls, both in eighth grade, who knew my brother from the sub shop he worked at over the summer. They smoked and I was terrified of them.

They wanted me to sit next to them on the bus, in the back of the bus. Where they treated me with a mix of awe, because of who my brother was, a senior in high school and pity, bordering on teasing because I was a very small sixth grader who was obviously terrified of them.

One day on the ride home in the back of the bus, one of the girls started teasing me about not ever having had a boyfriend. This was true and would remain true until I was 20 years old. I'd never really thought about having a boyfriend, but I knew I was behind everyone else. I mean, I wasn't even smoking cigarettes like these girls. 

I felt ashamed that I wasn't normal. I didn't want them to know I wasn't normal. So I lied. 

There was a boy I grew up with down the street. He was the most popular boy in school all through elementary school and now in middle school as well. We'd played together as younger kids but the older we got, you know, he did boy things. Or rather things with the popular kids who were a little more normal than me. 

I told them he'd been my boyfriend, just for a little while over the summer, and I'd broken things off. 

They didn't believe me but I stood behind my lie.

The next day as we all filed off the bus one of the girls yelled after the popular boy who was walking with a group of his friends. 

"Hey! Melissa says you were her boyfriend this past summer. That's not true, right?"

I stood there knowing I'd lied and knowing I was about to be humiliated and there was nothing to do but stand there and wait for it to happen. 

The popular boy turned around, looked a little uncomfortable, and said: 

"Yeah, we went out this summer."

That's one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. 

Whining Is Winning.

I realize I'm a gigantic baby, but working at Logan's computer was really awful. I'd login to gmail and think, "Why the hell am I getting all these notes about bicycles?" or "Why are my friend's husbands emailing me about that stupid bike ride they're doing?" I was especially concerned when a note came through about my successful registration for an upcoming triathlon.

Let's pause there. Me + Triathlon. 

I should do it just for the comic possibilities. I told you all about the time I tried to do a 150 mile bike ride with Logan. We were still dating and I thought, 'Oh, it will be fun to do this together!'. In a moment of intense frustration during the ride I hurled my bike off the side of a hill into the woods. If I got frustrated while swimming, what would I do? Splash and cry? Probably. Or even better, if I got frustrated during the run I'd have to hurl my body over the side of a hill. 

Hilarity.

Logan's been on deck to get a new bike for quite a while. I'm not totally heartless and want him to be happy. When he compared our family Christmas present sofa to his bike though, flames may have shot out of my eyes. Instead of burning his flesh, I tell him not to sit on it since it's MINE ALL MINE.

I've had my laptop for 7 years. Last year it died and a friend was kind enough to put a new hard drive in it for me. Honestly I was as happy with that solution as if I got a new computer. I don't need much out of my computer, so it's fine to use Logan's computer when I wanted to edit pictures, load music on my phone or watch videos (though watching porn at the desk in the dining room is super awkward).

So Old Reliable kept it together pretty well for another year. I had to buy a new power cord after getting one from a reader ("Hi Laura!") and promptly destroying it after tripping on the cord and taking the whole computer down with me. (MagSafe FTW!)

I suspect when I dropped the computer (for the 23rd time) I likely broke the Image Thingie Maker Thing and the computer was not coming back. 

My goal for this computer is to not drop it. I'm going to try real hard. 

Logan had a freelance check coming in he was going to use for his bike when ***bam*** my computer died and a bike moved down on the totem pole of needs. This is because a bike doesn't earn us a single penny...unless Logan's going to become the next Lance Armstrong. I know it's unfair to say this but I can't stand Lance Armstrong. 

Logan's getting his bike next and I'm going to keep whining on the Internet so we can pay for it. 

Wait....okay I'll try to be marginally entertaining soon.

Year Of Flowers: Update #1

Part of my 2010 Resolutions and my Life List was to buy flowers for myself once a week.

This has been going pretty well thanks to stops at Costco and Trader Joe's. Picking up flowers in February feels so luxurious it makes my skin tingle. Literally. Even though I spend under $10 per bunch.

A couple of things I'm learning about flowers.

I need more vases.

I need some flower arranging tutorials.

Flowers last about 2 weeks (as long as Gary The Cat keeps his mouth off them).

Currently crying under the table because I'm not on the sofa

Well the dog is definitely settling in. She's on a routine that's reasonably tolerable. She wakes up at 5am when Logan leaves for the gym and this gives me another reason to LOVE marathon training! WOOOOOO!

She is still in her crate and is doing just fine with it aside from Friday night when she cried like a maniac and the kids slept on the floor next to her crate. I think I messed up our routine by relying on the white noise machine a friend brought over rather than HGTV. Turns out Lucy is really into interior design and not so much heartbeats, static, birds or the ocean.

The kids had Thursday and Friday off of school last week and Logan was out of town. Then Monday was a snow day I was not at all expecting or emotionally prepared for. Even the dog was like, "Don't they have somewhere to be? When's the Cuddle Puddle in the big bed?"

I had the follow up CT Scan on Wednesday last week to check and make sure the mystery spot on my lung hasn't changed into a piece of broccoli. Last time I had small allergic reaction to the iodine contrast dye so this time I was premedicated. This worked pretty well until Thursday night when a batch of hives broke out on my neck and chest. But things got a lot sexier on Friday night when my lips developed a sand paper rash on their edges. So Sexy!

The technician told me we would have results in 24 hours and this made me happy. However Thursday and Friday passed without word, which means good things obviously but still a little rude yes? I decided I would call Monday morning if I didn't hear.

And then Monday I totally forgot to call. And you know what that means. 

I am clearly NOT WORRIED enough and now the sky is about to fall on my head.

But now I'm worried about how not worried I've been so hopefully by the time the doctor returns my call I'll have turned the situation around.

Update: Just got the call: "Previous Abnormality Has Resolved."

Valentine's Treats 2009

I got organized to create something fun for Max's class this year almost an entire month before Valentine's day.

....And then three days before the party the class decided to have a "green" valentine's day meaning no individual valentines. Classic.

Instead they're each making one big valentine and every kid is saying something nice about everybody else on their valentine. How "green"...(no really it's a great idea and probably saved a bunch of parents a lot of time and saved the earth a lot of garbage.) (BUT STILL.)

I sent Max with his treat because I wasn't finding 28 random people to give valentines to from my kid.

I was inspired by this gumball idea at les petits presents (excellent inspiring site, fyi).

I started out by browsing my favorite packaging site, SKS Bottle and Packaging. I was drawn to the metal boxes at the site, not the cheapest option, but I got 48 hinged "Altoid-Like" boxes for $31. I used 28 of them and I'm sure I'll find other little projects to use them for.

Logan made the stickers and I picked up gumballs at the party supply store, a large jar of them for $10. You can get them in bulk for less but then you've got 850 gumballs. Though I don't know, I loved looking at our gumballs in a jar on my counter.

After I placed my order I found these square plastic boxes that were much less expensive than my boxes. I love the clear plastic so that you have colorful little packages to pass out. You can find a pack of 50 boxes here for just $12. Slap a label on the front and you're done.

I put the Happy Valentine's Day stickers on the front.

The inside was filled with gumballs (which I carefully placed so there was a nice distribution of color)(could have used more yellow)(stop looking at me like that).

Under the gumballs is the punchline. "You blow me away! From, Max!"

It looks complicated but really wasn't. Next year I'll revamp the label and give you all a downloadable PDF.

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!

We Passed!

Our pup gets to come home Saturday at noon!

Pictures to follow as soon as I unwrap Madison from around my head!

Computer dead. Typing on phone. Help.

My computer has been acting up. It worked for a while if I wrapped the power cord around my face and held my tongue to the exposed wires with a piece of foil wrapped around my toe.

I actually decided over Christmas that I don't want, or rather don't need, a new computer. Of course then a week later I had a power cord and a piece of foil rigged up to make the damn thing run.

Now it's dead. D-E-D

No matter how I hold the cord or how I place the exposed wires on my fillings the cord won't power up the computer.

In the meantime we've been trying to adopt a dog. Tomorrow we have our home inspection, and if our home is good enough we could have our girl by Saturday.

!!!!!!!!

I was going to wait to tell you about her until she'd moved in, but enh, it's all over Twitter as I've been terrified we'll be denied adoption.

Anyway, please keep your fingers crossed the rescue lady thinks our home is safe for a dog. Also cross your fingers that I go to the Apple store and all I need is a new power cord for my computer. She's pretty old, but we have history!

(I'm typing this on my phone so forgive the typos and such)

Beyond The Shaker: Salt Challenge

I ate a lot of salt this weekend. Monday morning I went to have an MRI and needed to take my wedding ring off and pretty much couldn't and the whole time I thought, "DAMN YOU SALT!".

Logan's friend Tyler has started a gourmet salt company with his brother called Beyond The Shaker. On Saturday night we gathered at another friend's house to taste 12 different dishes made with each variety of salt Beyond the Shaker sells. The best dish, as voted by everyone, would be awarded a trophy.

When I got my invitation to participate in this Beyond The Shaker Salt Challenge I thought, "Oh yeah, sure, Logan will make something!"

But then I realized I was one of the 12 people included in the challenge. Which meant I would have to make a dish myself.

As evidenced by the Beef Stew debacle, I'm not exactly capable of even adjusting a recipe, much less creating one all by myself.

Luckily my friend Laura is a chef and gave both Logan and me free consulting for this contest. Logan and Laura came up with an amazing pork tenderloin with a cider honey sauce. I found this a little fussy so I decided to make something easier, I love the taste of salty sweet things so I asked Laura for some dessert related ideas. 

I was assigned Everest Wet Salt, which, if I were a foodie type person I'd say, is a salt that tastes of lime, lemongrass and a bit of wasabi. Not so easy to cook with, so of course the girl with no culinary imagination got this salt.

I realized something about myself, while creating recipe after recipe that failed miserably. a) I'm not much of a "chef" b) I hate failing c) I often don't even try just to avoid failing.

(I already knew about myself: d) I need to chill the fuck out about 89.95% of the time.)

Giving up before trying is an excellent life skill.

I finally settled on coconut macaroons and with a little tweaking from Laura, I ended up with a pretty intriguing cookie. And I mean intriguing in a good way.

Doctor's Orders!

Sometimes I forget to eat through out the day and on some days, I'm just not even really very hungry when dinnertime comes. This happened on Tuesday.

I am obviously getting enough calories, or so my weight says, though I'm sure this awful habit of mine is destroying my metabolism.

On Wednesday morning I had an appointment with the doctor to discuss my ability to throw my body to the concrete. So I raced off and didn't eat breakfast either. I wasn't very hungry so I didn't even think about it. Quite often I don't eat all day until dinnertime.

I spent, three and a half hours, at the doctor. Waiting for various images of the places I've tried to break myself. Amusingly though my elbows look the most battered, my knee is the thing that's most jacked up. Like a bone is pointing in the wrong direction. No wonder it was a "little stiff".

I have such tremendous body awareness I couldn't figure out why I was so hungry while stuck in that office. "Gee, I rarely eat before dinner, why am I so hungry now?" Finally I left the doctor and stopped to have a sandwich at the restaurant where our friend Phil sells coffee. (I should clarify, not just coffee, locally roasted coffee.) I ate a sandwich and thought that would fix things given that I quite often don't eat until dinner.

But I got home and still felt awful. I had a headache and laid on the sofa feeling completely depleted of all energy.

It wasn't until Logan asked me what I'd eaten that day that I realized I'd had a sandwich over the last 48 hours.

No wonder my body keeps flinging me to the ground. My God.

So the doctor showed me my xray where my knee cap and bone were having an argument and not speaking to each other.

She said, seriously, "So, until we figure out what is going on in there I want you stay off your knees."

And didn't laugh, at all. Even when I did.

She also added, looking a little like she had some seriously bad news to break to me.

"The other thing is...you really shouldn't run with your knee like this."

WHAT!? OH NO!
What about that marathon I was planning to do?

My doctor doesn't really know about my negative over all impression of running. So once again she stared at me while I got a good laugh about that order.

Imagine: 24 kids at midnight on NYE

This is exactly what it sounds like.
Now you don't have to have them over.
You're welcome.

New Year's Eve With 24 Kids from Melissa Summers on Vimeo.

Resolutions: 2010

If I wasn't so positive 2010 was going to be a really good year I may have been concerned by the fact that I've fallen on the ice twice in a span of 3 weeks. The last time was on New Year's Day as I left a friend's Pasta and Meatball Open House. I may have had some wine but, and you can laugh all you want, I've been in denial about winter and I keep wearing my favorite shoes even though they have no traction and I can't really wear socks with them. Like if I keep wearing this tankini, winter will magically stop.

Take That Winter!

So I ended up practically underneath my friend's car on my back thinking, "Maybe people didn't notice."

And right then all my friend's husbands came rushing over to help me back up, making it quite difficult to pretend I didn't just fall beneath a car.

But no, 2010 is just joking with me. Because that's the kind of friends 2010 and I are. We like to joke around, these bruises on my elbows? Oh you know ha ha ha....2010, such a card.

Really I think 2010 is just trying to convince Logan that I don't belong in a place that has ice just waiting to take me out for half the year.

I didn't give myself any goals for last year. I kind of felt like, "Well work isn't going the way I want, we're leaving the neighborhood I've always wanted to live in, oh well, this year's a wash!"

Gee, I just don't know why 2008 didn't work out that well for me.

As a family we've decided first of all to get Gary a bit thinner and boy is he happy about it. I think he's going to eat my arm off in the night and we're only on day 3.

Maddie's goal for this year involves getting a dog (not going to happen, unfortunately) and Max just wants to go to Chicago again.

I assume Logan wants to run until his toenails fall off. Again.

For my new year's goals, I've decided to chip away at some of my Life List

So this year I will:

Host a welcome to summer dinner party.
Canoe for a day with a long picnic lunch.
Buy fresh flowers for the house once a week for a year.
Surprise Maddie at school with a huge bunch of balloons on her birthday.
Make our backyard into a bird refuge.
Take the kids to the candy store and give them $10 each to spend as they wish.
Make new Christmas stockings for the whole family.
Find a perfect black dress.
Send birthday greetings to all my friends for one entire year.

My year in review: we survived.

I wasn't exactly a fan of 2009. 

That's probably putting it a little mildly.

I wanted to beat the shit out of 2009 at regular intervals for a large part of the year.

I lost income, Logan lost income, we downsized leaving a(n overpriced) house that worked really well for our family (except for the Jerk Off* Landlord named Brian Lanfear and the water in the basement.) (I wonder if he's disclosed that issue now that he's trying to sell the house.) 

We had to sue Brian Lanfear to get our security deposit back from him and that was stressful. More stressful was collecting the money while the Internet (and by the internet I mean that annoying woman with that annoying website) whispered stupid things in my ear like I should just "let it go". You know, because we're the Rockefellers over here and burn money normally. $2000? Screw it!

Even if we were millionaires, I still would have taken that man to court. He was wrong and I don't deal well with people being assholes.

We had health scares and the summer into early fall was marked by marital growing pains that weren't entirely pleasant to live through. (Though we've done that before too.)

I spent a large part of the night looking through my flickr feed for the year and, you know, it really wasn't a bad year. I mean, I don't want to relive it, Jesus. But it wasn't a bad year when you step back and get some perspective.

Moving from our dream neighborhood was terribly hard for me, but saved us from certain financial ruin as we both lost income this year. I got to take a few great trips this year with women I love. I was able to give the kids an amazing experience in Washington DC and we spent time up north with friends who are like family. Friends who tried to have a baby for a long time, got two little girls. I watched my 11 year old start Middle School and she did it with amazing flexibility and emotional strength. Logan and I got away as a couple where I remembered that I don't just love him, I really like him. 

Liking someone makes it a lot easier to ride out the growing pains of a long term relationship, love only goes so far (unless it's your kids).

Don't get me wrong, 2009 can still go to hell, but it was better than my overall impression. I swam with bioluminescent plankton, I'm not sure I can call it a complete bust.

But 2010, let's be a little kinder to each other.

Happy New Year Everyone!

*Just My Opinion!

Our Holidays So Far.

How was your Christmas?

Ours was lovely, though a little bourbon heavy at the end. Each Christmas I make bread pudding for Logan and I to eat. It's the kind of thing that we don't eat on a regular basis because it's really not what one would call 'Good For You" but it is SO GOOD.

I made a new bread pudding recipe from Elise's Simply Recipes. The bourbon sauce calls for 1 cup of bourbon, and in the recipe it says "Add bourbon to taste." I assumed this meant 1 cup was the starting point so I poured the entire cup in, thinking I'd probably add more.

I like bourbon in sauces, like a mustard bourbon sandwich spread, but I don't generally drink bourbon straight.

I was surprised however when this sauce on my bread pudding blew my eyebrows off and then knocked me across the kitchen and put me to sleep moments later.

Wow.

Logan, aka "The Titanium Liver" however deemed the sauce "Strong but amazing." So your results may vary.

Aside from food there were gifts. The nice thing about older kids is that their gifts cost more so there are less of them and my goodness does that make wrapping a much easier task. (Also nice is how Max never questions the questionable explanation that Santa has a budget.)

Logan wanted a new iPod shuffle as a reward for completing his last marathon but money just wasn't available for such a thing, so I bought him one for Christmas. I engraved it: "Nothing Is Chasing You. xo"

That pretty much made my Christmas. His other large gift was a leaf blower and I know this is on par with getting a waffle iron or a vaccum for your birthday but it made him happy anyway.

In December we've entertained family, friends, co-workers, went to parties and dinners. Remember a while ago when I was lamenting all the time I spend in my bedroom? This is a lot of face time for someone like myself who's used to talking to a lazy cat for the larger part of each day.

One more party tonight and then the big annual New Year's Eve Free For All. You know the night where we invite a bunch of people with kids over and we eat, drink and talk? Then in the morning we pray the house is still standing?

Some people devote January to something like renewed motivation toward fitness goals.

My January will be devoted to alone time.

Hard To Feel Self Actualized Laying On Concrete.

This past weekend was one of those really nice ones, you know the ones where you feel sort of self actualized?

I never really bonded with parents at the kid's first school. I'm not sure why that is, probably mainly because I generally need someone super awesome, fun and outgoing to meet my friends for me. Then I just grab onto their legs and say, "Hey, like ME too!"

Case in point: I met two of my favorite friends through my other favorite friend. And it turns out, my one of those favorite friends likes to know everybody and my other favorite friend is also a pretty good ringleader.

Between the three of them (plus Logan) I'm not sure I've ever made my own friend. This makes me, well, pretty pathetic. When I changed schools and two of my socially intelligent friends had kids there, my world of social opportunities with other fun parents increased about 10 fold.

This weekend we had pizza and beers at one couple's house with eight other couples and ended up at a theater dancing to Mega 80s. Some of us didn't watch, some of us tried to climb on stage. (Hint: Wasn't me!) It resembled our old life before kids, only all of these people had kids.

It made me thankful for the moves we've made and the community we are a part of.

On Saturday we went to another party at a fellow parent from school's house and then moved onto the progressive in the old neighborhood (remember when I got to host it?). The one, you know, I dreamed about living in for 3 years and then had it ripped out of my clutches by a man who refused to negotiate a purchase price. (I am seriously going to try to give that last bit of bitterness up for New Year's Eve.)

Logan's friend Marguerite did my make up that night, she does it on the side working in advertising as the main course. She wants to do make up as her full time gig doing house parties as make up tutorials to augment her existing photo shoot gigs. I like a woman with a dream job, so I went over to try her out.

I sacrifice for my friends, it was a hardship.

So I went to the parties Saturday night and I was social, not just social. I was actually excited to be social. As opposed to years ago when I had to force myself to be social. Logan and I were talking Sunday morning about how different, more confident, I am now than I was in my 20's. 

We high-fived and got ready for a day of errands.

I'll admit I had a little strut to my step, wearing a cute scarf and cute shoes, as I walked out to the car.

I stepped off the deck, onto the concrete (not knowing it was a little icy) and ended up sprawled on the driveway.

I've spent the last three days limping around. Clearly I got a little too cocky.

Oh Hey! Shutterfly has extended my contest until Monday 12/21/09! So you have time to make your own book and share it with me. (click the "Add" tab in the upper right hand corner. Password, if you need it, is 'goober') See the original contest announcement here.

A smorgasbord with only a little whining.

Pro Tip: Make sure your kid doesn't still have a tube in his ear drum before you decide to pour peroxide in his ear canal to clean out wax. I hope only the "Whining" part of Max's brain was eradicated when I doused it with hydrogen peroxide. While my son openly wept in pain, I felt pretty good. A big shiny ball of Shitty.

We've got an ear infection. Again.

I'm thinking Max and I should just hole up in my bedroom chronicling the ways our bodies continue to fail us.

Although Max is no fun because you give him a shot of ibuprofen and he's no longer mad at the world. Unlike me, who, as you might imagine, is pretty fed up with my body and all this crap. I'm 36 body, let's keep it together.

*****

Aside from sitting around asking my body why the yoga isn't making it happy? And the mostly vegetarian dinners and the broccoli and breakfast shakes packed with nutrients? We need therapy my body and me.

When I'm not doing that I've been doing things like making homemade vanilla extract. I was going to take pictures of the process but then I remembered that everybody did this project last year. I mean I did mine naked only wearing a mustache and a flower brooch, so it wasn't totally Last Year. But I couldn't exactly share those pictures. But listen if you're making vanilla extract as holiday gifts this year? You have to do it naked wearing a mustache.

I made 24 four-ounce bottles and that's a lot of vodka. I had to make another trip to Costco for a giant bottle to finish the project. However, since I'd already done my Costco shopping, I ended up buying bread, deli turkey, cheese, to make the giant bottle of vodka less noticeable. No one really batted an eye. The turkey must have distracted them.

I also didn't have a funnel on hand so I may have used one of the kid's water bottles filled with vodka to get the vodka where it needed to go. Don't worry, I used almost all of it before putting it back on Max's nightstand. He's got an ear infection, a little vodka won't hurt. 

*****.

I thought one or two of these might be our Christmas card photo, but Logan said* "No one wants to see us."  (*didn't say but kind of meant.)

Since we're using another shot for our xmas shot I thought I'd share a few of the other shots from our fun (unedited, ignore dust on the disc) photo shoot last week with Joe Vaughn.

Here's our Christmas Miracle. No one's eyes are closed and I don't look morbidly obese. Maybe Tiny Tim will live after all.

Max loves her no matter how insane she acts towards him.

I can't believe she's 11.

Here's our very own gap ad.

(If you can read Max's shirt, make him a sandwich.)

You never forget your first.

We cooked our first turkey this year.

Since we started spending Thanksgiving as a team, we've eaten out or we've made just a little turkey breast (sometimes wrapped in bacon). This year we decided to conquer a full bird, a 10 pound bird, but still.

When I say "We" I mean Logan made our first turkey. I can't seem to stomach preparing a full bird.

I once, with friends, decided to conquer my fear by roasting a chicken together one night. I went in, armed with rubber gloves, and an hour later Logan found me hiding under the island whimpering softly.

Not a fan. Logan though, he's a trooper.

We spent our Thanksgiving cooking all day long, together. I worried this kitchen would be too small to cook together. That it wouldn't be as fun as it was in the old house. But it was fine, even with less space.

We took breaks and played board games with the kids. When we weren't playing with them, they...GASP...got along.

At one point Logan asked, "What are your pet peeves about me?" And Holy Shit you guys. I couldn't come up with a single thing.

It was a warm, cozy, content day in our little house.

Many years ago when I decided it wasn't wise to keep the relationship going with my in laws, I worried about holidays. I still wish my kids had other kids to hang out with for these days. But all those years ago I didn't know we'd have a day like Thursday.

I kind of always thought I wanted, needed, busy frantic holidays with lots and lots of people. But this year I realized our life is full of friends and friends who are like family. Spending the day playing games with the kids and cooking with Logan in our pajamas was the perfect place for us to be.

I finally feel like we have our own traditions we're handing down to our babies.

Thankful.

Pretty thankful for these baby faces, with mustaches that make them just a little more mature.

Also a talented husband who can make Bar Mitzvah invites for a friend's kid and get us back a photoshoot with Joe Vaughn. (Granted it helps if the Bar Mitzvah invite is for a kid who's step-dad is Joe Vaughn.)

Max chose to wear that fedora and the blazer. He already has more fashion chutzpa than his mother.

Maddie is wearing a hair tie around her wrist because I forced her to wear her hair down. And I forced her to let me blow it out. The minute this torture (you can see from her face the torture she endured) was over she threw that hair back in a pony tail. 

We did this shoot on Wednesday night before Thanksgiving. Our kids don't usually like having their pictures taken but something about that night made them relax and have fun with the process. Also Logan was there and he helps make things fun.

After the pictures we made pizzas and talked about sleep away camp and ate salad and talked about business plans and played hide and go seek.

Maybe the adults should have played less hide and seek and listened to more business plans.

Portrait and an update

A few months ago I came across Jennifer Maher's custom toy portraits site via a blog I can't remember now. That's the problem with a reader, I can never remember which site lead me where. I'm looking at my feeds and then blam-o I'm at an excellent porn site and I can't even remember who led me there.

Or maybe I just ended up there.

I love these toy portraits because Maddie is a huge fan of stuffed animals and has had a couple favorites over the years. Now that she's ELEVEN (!!!) I'm sure she'll be feeling the pressure to put them away soon. I want her to have a memento.

I shared this find on Twitter and mentioned how nice it would be to have a portrait of Choppable. Remember Choppable? Here's the story if you don't remember.....but how could you forget. 

Jennifer saw it and she took me seriously. She likes a challenge.

 

Even better she's sending it to me. It's going in our bathroom so that our guests are terrified.

Thank you Jennifer!

*********

The doctor called last night. The good news is two of the spots are clear. The bad news is one is opaque, which means it can't just be dismissed as nothing. It could be a scar from an undiagnosed case of tuberculosis, it could be a lesion from sarcoidosis, or it could be cancer.

Which? If I have cancer in my lung then fuck you second hand smoke.  

The next step is a PPD test for tuberculosis....and then if I have had TB we do another scan in 4 months to see if that spot has grown. If I did not have TB we look at it again in 2 months.

Overall this is good news, if all three spots were opaque, we'd be much more concerned. But...I'll be honest, I'm not thrilled the doctor didn't call to tell me everything was clear and now we just go forward trying nasal spray and an extra dose of antiacid to get rid of this stupid cough.

Instead I'm still coughing and now I'm waiting another 2-4 months to see if cancer is growing in my lung.

Not bad news and that's good. But not the news I wanted.

Yes I realize I haven't posted in a while.

Monday was a fine day of relaxing and trying to recover from my weekend which involved a night at a concert where I caused my husband's friend to say, "You know, I've known you for five years and I've never seen you drunk, until tonight."

And it was true, I "let loose" as the kids (may or may not say). When we arrived home (via a sober designated driver) I chatted with the babysitter which is the adult version of talking to your parents while pretending like you haven't been drinking.

We had a nice conversation most of which I don't remember. And in the morning I couldn't recall if I had paid her as I pretended to be a not a little more than tipsy responsible adult. That was a fun phone call. "Hi, Emma? Uhm...Not that I had more than a responsible amount of alcohol or anything. Actually I have amnesia, it comes and goes. Who is this?!" 

Tuesday was the election and so the kids had no school. I was okay with this as long as Maine kept their gay marriage laws intact. But no....the kids stayed home for nothing. I mean aside from preventing a crazy person walking unfettered into the school to vote and making a detour to shoot innocent kids. 

On Wednesday I spent a greater portion of the day than I'd like to admit talking to myself (and Twitter) about what utter bull shit it is to deny adults the right to marry who they love.

I stated it nicely.

"I have very little patience for people who think they are entitled to anything they justify denying others."

And I was also a bit prickly, which probably horrified the moms from school who have unknowingly "friended" me on Facebook not realizing what a crap shoot that is. 

"Clearly my love has more value because I like a penis in my vagina. Hold on a minute...why can't we let gay people get married again?"

People get a little shy around words like Penis and Vagina. Unfortunately that forces me to say those words more.

I also tried to do a Did They Eat It on Thursday. And, because I get overwhelmed by reading more than 10 sentences in a row, apparently. I failed to notice the part where the chili simmers for 2 hours. Did They Eat It: Middle Of The Night Edition. Logan and I ate the chili at 10 o clock, like we did with the stupid potatoes from last week and oh my it was good. But seriously I have to pull my head out of my ass at some point.

And Now it's Friday and, OH MY GOD we almost didn't have any plans! You guys, Logan and I would have just been SITTING AROUND doing NOTHING! Logan mentioned, "Hey, we have nothing on the calendar this weekend, how did that happen?" And I said, "Wow, that sounds nice. We should get a movie to watch or something."

And now we're having a bunch of families over for pizza. I hope everyone wants to snuggle on the sofa in front of the fire.

Halloween 2009: Bacon Edition

I kind of hate dressing up for Halloween. I know there are people who think I am "crafty" and that perhaps I "enjoy" making things, but this is generally untrue.

Generally I like things to be finished, so however I can get to "finished" as fast as possible is how I go.

I have friends who LOVE dressing up for Halloween, sometimes even throwing in an extra night of dressing up like we looked in the 80's. Except that of course they love this because these friends have had four kids and can still wear their prom dress.

I did not attend prom, my thigh might be able to wear a dress I would have worn to prom in the 80's and also I spent pretty much every day of the 80's thinking my life would always suck as badly as it did right then.

So, ahem, my friends and I are on different pages as far as dressing up in costume is concerned. They love it. I do not.

For the last 4 years I've managed to be something reasonably lame at the annual Halloween party. I slapped a mustache on one year, wore a bandit mask another, oh and there was that regrettable year I was what I like to call, "What was available one hour before the party began."

This year I had big plans to be bacon! I know everyone on the internet is So Over bacon but I live in the Midwest where everyone is just starting to "get" the bacon joke (and the mustache joke), so put a lid on it San Francisco.

I bookmarked this costume months ago and had every intention of amazing my friends with my magical full-on-effort-exerted costume. Until I priced the foam ($15 a YARD?) and started to read through the directions...at step 9 (of 17) I was out.

Like I said, I like things that are finished.

Instead Logan had a friend at work in possession of a Cookie Monster costume which I wore to the delight of my friends.

The costume was fine except that I was hot as hell and I nearly died of dehydration. I had to spend the entire night outside in the back yard trying not to pass out. (I hate Halloween.)

The only problem I was left with after that hot sweaty night proving to my friends that I don't ALWAYS have a lame costume, was that I told Madison she could be bacon after I was done with the costume and now there was no costume.

I procrastinated and thought about how I could get out of making a bacon costume. I tried to buy one but it was expensive and was really just a stupid bacon scarf. I just wanted it to be finished as that is the goal of all my projects. Done, quickly.

Finally, last week after we came home from our relaxing trip up north I braved the fabric store wearing full body armor. I hate the fabric store, I know I'm not alone because I saw the bodies of several small children laying in the aisles, dead, after waiting for their mothers to stop looking at fabric already.

I moved quickly locating red, pink and white felt. If you don't want to die at the fabric store you have to move.

I needed something to make the top of the bacon stay square but I was no way in hell going to buy a full suit of foam at $15 a yard. (Hate Halloween) So I found a square piece of foam that cost $10 (Stop taking my money Halloween) and took that.

I stood in line at the cutting table for 39 hours, when it was my turn I jammed the scissors into my eyeball and then asked for 4 yards of the red felt (eyeballing how tall I think Maddie is), 1 yard of the pink and a half yard of the white.

I didn't even take pictures of the process because I performed the task with such terrible haste and annoyance. But here's how I did it.

I traced around the back of Madison's head and cut a circle out of the foam square. I had her put her face inside the hole, draped the red felt over her making sure the felt covered just the back of her head and most of her front. I marked where to cut the face opening out of the red felt and I then stapled it into place.

The next day I made rough strips of white and pink and hot glued them to the front.

Maddie loved the costume mainly because everyone yelled, "HEY! It's Bacon!" at her as she trick or treated. People also said, "You just take whatever you want." from their bowls of candy because she was Bacon and people can't resist it. 

And best of all, it's finished.

Retreat.

The cabin is up north on Grand Traverse Bay, it's kind of back behind the woods a ways and every time we drive up (even as a kid when I'd go up to babysit for my favorite family) I get a tingly little head rush. For the first hour I walk around seeing what's different than the last time I was there and also taking deep breaths reminding myself to savor every moment. Especially now, when time away with Logan is so rare.

The place belongs to a friend of a friend. My sister in law once told me this little rule of thumb, "Friends of Friends Can't Invite Friends." Luckily no one told these friends about this rule because we'd be out of luck. Truly we could have gone anywhere and we'd be happy just to have the time away. But on the first day when it rained, it was nice to have an excuse to stay in all cozied up watching the water.

Getting The Robot to sit down and relax is not easy. He has a touch of the ADD mixed with a program malfunction that makes him constantly doing 23 things. Luckily the cabin acts as a sedative. He took it so easy I started to feel antsy, this is noteworthy since I am a champion loafer.

We spent a lot of time reading, sighing and watching for the eagles that have nested on the property. 

We watched scary movies and tried to freak ourselves out. It didn't really work. 

We did a pub crawl in Sutton's Bay which consists of four bars. We made it to three of them. We skipped the fourth since it looked like we'd hate it. We started our pub crawl at 4pm and were just in time to drink with the Early Bird Special Diners.

Fall is definitely the best reason to live in Michigan. Being up north in the summer has definite appeal, the slow pace, the smell of sunscreen and the sand sticking to your feet. I love going to dinner at crowded restaurants at the end of the day with lots of other families with kids who have been playing in the sun all day. Everyone gets dessert, even if you didn't eat all your dinner because, "We're on vacation."

Fall up north is quieter and, in my opinion, prettier, even on rainy cold days. Places that are usually packed with people are empty. Perfect for quietly remembering why you like being half of a couple with a Robot.

Then it's time to go home and about eight hours later you're screaming at the kids to "STOP FIGHTING AND START BRUSHING" at bedtime.

Serenity now.