Suburban Bliss:: Birth Control Via The Written Word

I thought they'd be my Golden Girls.

Hey, you know what's hard to write about?

My brother and now my sister no longer speaking to me! There are reasons for this obviously and almost all of them I understand and make sense to me. Other reasons for this split make absolutely no sense to me and leave me feeling with a really sort of dead feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's not sadness, it's not anger...it's sort of a feeling like, "Well, okay that didn't work out."

And that creates a whole other dialogue in my head about my lack of connection with people I've known my entire life (or at least most of it)....how is it possible to wash my hands of those relationships? And yet, here I am...hands washed. I wash my hands of people I feel are hateful and unsupportive of my family easily and make no apologies for that. In fact I think, considering everything, that was the healthiest move to make (re: my In Laws).

But in this situation with my siblings, one with deep political rifts and the other with a lack of closeness that felt hurtful to her, I'm confused about why it is so easy for me to become dead inside to them. 

That alone wouldn't even be so bad, but the last year has been very difficult for me in regards to all relationships in my life, outside my immediate family. 

I've lost several friendships and like the ones I've recently lost with my brother and my sister, I feel sort of discombobulated at first and then oddly at peace with my decision to not be close to a particular person anymore.

It's not as if I've ended up with a bunch of enemies, things are quite cordial. But when I decide in a year to step away from 4 different long term friendships (and also lose both my sibligns) and feel mostly numb/neutral about the whole thing...something isn't right.

I feel numb except when I'm spending time wondering how it is I can discard friendships with such relative ease. 

I'm starting to wonder if I have some sort of attachment disorder. It's possible I wasn't hugged much as a child....I can't say that I recall being hugged, though I must have been? By the time I could remember being hugged I didn't want to be touched. So maybe it's that? 

I value my relationship with Logan above all others. When that relationship isn't working, I feel unhappy and mildly broken. A couple summers ago I started to feel that dead feeling during a particularly trying time between us and was so terrified I immediately booked us some therapy to get us back on track.

With friendships I just don't want to cry about them, I don't want to give more than I get, I don't want to be treated in a way I wouldn't treat another person, I want to not feel the need to bitch about that person behind their back and I don't want them to bitch about me either...I don't want to book a therapy session or four to figure out how to make "us" work.. 

Sounds reasonable enough, yes? But then I'm not the kind of person who was blessed with the ability to believe every one else is wrong and I am right. Someday I'm going to master the art of deciding everyone else is crazy except me. 

So I'm spending a lot of time gazing at my naval wondering why I can't seem to keep the relationships outside of my immediate family reasonably healthy and happy.

I'm leaving comments closed because comments could turn into a big fat festival of bashing my siblings and former friends...which would be hurtful. Or a big fat festival of telling me how awful I am...which would also be hurtful. 

If you have some useful insight or maybe a book suggestion I would love to get it from you via email! The relationships section at the bookstore seems very centered on getting the love you want. I don't need love so much as I need to learn how to manage frienships without dismissing them once they get difficult. 

Thanks guys!

Mythical Shoes

(From here.)

A friend once said, 'I've never met someone who worries so much about money.'

And oh boy that's me. But then again, you could tag almost anything onto that sentence and it would still be accurate.

"I've never met anyone who worries so much about cancer."
"I've never met anyone who worries so much about their car."
"I've never met anyone who worries so much about ebola."

All true!

But today I'd like to talk about my shoes. I have these shoes I bought last year at Old Navy. They were like $15 and I loved them so much that at the beginning of the winter I pretended people wore shoes without socks in the winter in Michigan in a snow storm.

I've worn them, and worn them, and because I'm so cheap I haven't really worn many other shoes. $15 shoes from Old Navy aren't really meant to be worn every day in all types of weather. The sole of these things is going to fall off soon and then I'm going to be totally out of luck. Forced to wear the only other shoes appropriate for spring in my collection, the ones my mother complimented me on a couple of months ago.

My mom says things like, "I bought these shoes for kickin' around!" And they're the ugliest shoes you've ever seen but she wears them all the time anyway. Because she's always kickin' around....I guess?

This is why I was horrified by her telling me I had cute shoes. Because 'cute' to my mom....is inexplicable.

The problem is I hate shopping for clothes and such(am too cheap, and overwhelmed by all the choices) and I like these shoes more than any other shoes in the land. Except that they're wearing out and wearing them in the rain is like walking around barefoot. I walked a few blocks in the rain last Wednesday and the shoes stayed wet for 3 days.

I'm wondering if you can help me find a similar pair for under $40. Here are some pictures I just took at the coffee shop with my phone. (Not awkward at all.)

Detroit, come on.

Someone educate me.

Why did Dennis Archer have to leave to make way for Kwame Kilpatrick?

Detroit, you confuse me.

Halloween Costume Challenge:

I am going to a Halloween party tonight.

You guys, I didn't come up with a costume.

Logan had a great idea, "Let's be Mummies."

I haven't bitched about my weight in quite some time because I am mostly at ease with my body (and all its flaws) at this point. However, I know wearing skin tight anything, even gauze, will not be flattering to me and my ample hips.

I do not want to be a mummy but come 7pm, without a better idea I'll be forced to wrap myself in gauze like a mummified fat sausage.

No One Wants This To Happen.

Please, please tell me your best last minute adult costumes. Easy on the cliche's though, everyone I've seen in my search has made me groan. If I wanted people to groan I would have just wrapped myself in gauze like a mummified sausage.

Advice is needed. I am officially asking.

If you think reading my blog is a drag, try being my friend.

Wow this is hard. And a lot of fun.

As much as I'd like to continue to awe and inspire you with the contents of my troubled mind, Logan wants all that for himself. Oh he loves it. So do my girlfriends.

Like this conversation, "Let's talk about something funny, which triggers a thought about this ball of crap you're processing! Let's laugh until you look away about to cry!"

"Yes, let's and then my lip will quiver and I will cry and you'll be left wondering 'What the hell!'"

This is purely awesome.

Instead of doing that, let's talk about Chicago. I'm leaving for a long weekend in Chicago with my girlfriends on Friday. How about you tell me what we should do.

Then, you'll tell me something and I'll be like, "That sounds great...except it reminds me of this thing I'm dealing with......" (((Quiver))))

My loose list is as follows:
Drown my sorrows.
Drown my sorrows.
Keep drowning my sorrows.

No actually it's this: Millenium Park, cocktails at John Hancock, lots of photography, some time in Lincoln Park/Wrigleyville/etc. Meeting Erin and Brian for a potentially boozy lunch where I'll say, "Henry is just adorable....he reminds me of that thing I'm dealing with....." ((((Quiver)))))

Weeeee! Maybe I'll booze it a little less to help keep the quivering to a minimum.

We're going to want to stick around our hotel, (which is downtown near the Magnificently Overpriced Mile), but during the day I wouldn't mind being up in the other neighborhoods. Since Flea's sex shop closed, I'm just not sure where to do some shopping/browsing.

We're talking about having brunch at Ann Sather up near Belmont and Clark on Sunday before we leave town and then stopping into Uncle Fun and The Paper Boy. What other unique shopping should I hit while I'm there?

Throw out your downtown dinner ideas and neighborhood shopping ideas thank you please. I'll weed through them and when one reminds me of the thing I'm dealing with I'll quiver quietly to myself.

It's times like these I wish I wrote fiction people.