Suburban Bliss:: Birth Control Via The Written Word

Tastefull Tour: Eastern Market & Detroit

Last week when Logan was busy fighting the man, the absent man who could give two shits about right/wrong or the law,  I decided to join a bunch of moms from school and go on a Tastefull Tour, instead. You know instead of standing in a courtroom feeling indignant and angry.

I did that later.

This weekend Facebook recommended my Ex Landlord as a friend I might want to add. Isn't that nice of Facebook. Maybe I should just forget all about it, be the bigger person and be friends! Why fight! I'll just get another $2000 from the money tree in the basement and give him a couple thousand for his trouble! Thanks Facebook.

When I mentioned his appearance on Facebook, Logan's friend Adam chimed in with, "Can you imagine his status updates? 'Totally fucking my ex-tenant in the ass! Man it's great to be a douchbag!'"

But that day I went on a tour of Downtown Detroit Markets and Artisan Shops. It was a lot of fun spending the day out of the house in the sunshine with a bunch of people who are not my cats. A blog reader from Ann Arbor, (hi Susan!) came all the way out to go on this tour because it was such a great way to get reacquainted with Detroit.

You can see the entire set with details of each of the spots we visited at my Flickr set. And I'm begging you, begging you to please go to Supino at least once. Amazing.

Daily Grommet and Sex Face

Nataly from Work It, Mom asked me to suggest a product for the Daily Grommet and so I did. You can see what I picked over here.

For Christmas I bought a flip video camera and I appear to lack the appropriate skills to get the video off the camera, onto the computer and then onto the internet. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Every time is a mystery!

But I was able to send along a video of Logan using my pick and they used an edited version for the piece.

I thought I'd share the full version here so you can see Sex Face.

Sex Face is the face Logan makes at me when I make a sexually suggestive double entendre. It's a difficult look to explain, you kind of have to see it. But when I get The Face I get a special charge so now I try to get him to make it a few times a day.

You really hit the jackpot when you can get The Face over the phone. You can actually hear The Face.

Enjoy!

Mutt Strut: Go Team Williams!

My brother, Scott, is 6 years older than me. Like a lot of older brothers he had a way of a) making me believe everything he said and b) enjoying my suffering.

For example, once on a bike ride past the park around the block he told me the giant bubbles over the tennis courts (so you can play in winter) were actually giant caterpillars. I didn't believe him at first, but then he pointed out the fences around the giant bubbles. "Why do you think fences are around them?" he said. "They're there to keep them in."

This made a lot of sense to me as a seven year old.

Another time, we were brushing our teeth in the bathroom at the same time. I still ate Flintstone's vitamins at the time. But Scott pulled out an orange vitamin, a vitamin I'd seen my parents and my brother take with a glass of water at least 100 times in my life.

"These are new vitamins," he said. "You can chew them."

I doubted him for a while, but when he said they tasted like orange, I was intrigued. So I chewed the vitamin.

And spent the next 20 minutes, spitting green crap out of my mouth while my brother laughed in the other room.

My brother has spent a lot of his life laughing at me. Now, I'd like my chance. You know, with love.

Tastefull Tours!

I mentioned a few months ago how my friend, Chef Laura, was let go by a local market via a note attached to her paycheck. After ten years.

You know, there's a special place for employers who fire people like that. Or say, the ones who tell you you're going to take over the business when they retire and then turn around and let you go four weeks before your second baby is born. Ha! Wow, that's still there, is it? I thought I was over that.

Anyway, instead of sitting around and being bitter, Laura decided to use this as the opportunity to go full steam ahead into a business idea she and her friend, also named Laura, had for a while. They both have a passion for good food and decided they'd like to share that passion with Metro Detroiters.

So Tastefull Tours was born.

They organize these tours that take you around to fabulous culinary locations throughout the area, on The Night Move biodiesel bus. These are places you may never have known about or may have been too intimidated to go into on your own. I went on a tour and the Noble Fish sushi guy made me fall in love with him (fed me lots of sushi). We visited a meat guy at the Royal Oak Farmer's Market and I am now forever ruined for regular store-bought bacon. (Here's a picture of me doing something stupid with my stupid face. GAH!)

One of my favorite things is listening to people talk about what they're passionate about. On our tour I wanted to hug one of the Julian Brothers at his bakery when he held up a couple loaves of his bread for a picture, the pride was so evident. I don't have a passion for wine, but I could have listened to the Cloverleaf guy talk about wine for an hour. And I know I like bacon, a lot, but listening to the pig farmer talk about what makes his bacon the best was so touching...I mean even though he kills pigs. (They are well fed and cared for before that!)

Saturday Laura's leading a special Valentine's Day tour, a pizza and wine adventure....

We love pizza!!!  We've traveled all over metro Detroit and found the best.  Join us on a pizza adventure as we sample thick and thin, white and red (in wines too!) traditional and unusual toppings.  We will also stop by a favorite wine shop for a tasting (included in the price of the tour) and suggestions for the perfect beverage to go with your favorite pizza.  Additional wines can be purchased and taken along for additional tastings on the bus! What a great way to celebrate love.

I'm planning on being there and so is Logan. I know you wanted to spend your Valentine's Day with me. For the hugs.

Make sure you check out their other tours. Logan and our friend Tom went on the Beer and BBQ tour and loved it.

Mighty Junior: You love the little shits. Show them.

Mighty Junior: Valentine's Day Cards For Kids

Not a licensed character in sight...

A little of this and that.

Bring on the bran flakes.

It is 6:30 in the morning and I am awake. Not just awake, out of my bed and downstairs using my computer at this hour I don't usually see unless there is a very good reason. Like going to see Chris and Susan in Chicago. I like sleep. A lot.

I am usually dragged from my bed at exactly 8am each morning giving me exactly 40 minutes to feed the kids breakfast, make the lunches and sit in the front room with them for about 10 minutes hearing about alternately how heavy Maddie's violin is to carry, about how funny Nathan is, and how gym is sucking the life out of Maddie can't I see that? And then, before they leave for school.

But today I'm awake at 6:30. For no reason other than I wasn't sleeping so I decided to get up. This makes sense to a reasonable person, I'm married to a man who wakes up at 5am to get work done before he goes to work. (!) But for someone like me, a championship sleeper, this is unnatural. I can only think of one reason I'd be waking up at 6:30 in the morning. I'm becoming an old person. Pretty soon I'll be stopping by the Early Bird Dinner special and heading to bed by 7pm, but not before watching the Weather Channel for a couple hours.

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Finally, he has an awkward interaction.

Last night we attended the second concert for Maddie in the last three days. The first was a band and orchestra extravaganza where we were dazzled and maybe a little stunned at how loud a bunch of 10 years olds can sound while playing wind instruments. I'm thankful Maddie chose to play the violin, even in spite of the scratching cat in heat sounds it can sometimes make. I felt a little violated by the trumpets during the show.

The concert last night was a little less an assault on the ears.

Before the show we saw the parents of one of Maddie's friends. As the dad came walking by I said hello and to get Logan's attention, he tapped him on the shoulder. This was meant as a passing gesture to elicit a friendly wave and nothing more.

But Logan decided to make the interaction one of those colossally awkward moments usually attributed to me in this marriage. He kind of reached out to shake the guy's hand but used the wrong hand? And it was over his shoulder sort of. And the guy was walking by quickly not meaning to stop for a handshake, awkward or otherwise.

In the end the effect was they'd just had a brief hand holding moment.

Sarah's* dad walked away, Logan looked at me and said, "I think I just held hands with Sarah's dad."

That just stood in the air for a minute.

Next time I'll try to hug him.

*not her real name

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Other Places:

I spend a lot of my day shopping for the Mighty sites. And yet, I haven't started my Christmas shopping and I have no plans to start any time soon. Let's just file this bit of information under the heading: Ways Melissa Likes To Make Life Difficult For Herself. There are two problems I have with shopping.

I have a big problem with money in that I like to have it in my pocket.

My second problem is Madison's Christmas list that reads as follows:

1. A laptop
2. Clothes (see my drawings for the kinds)
3. A trip to Chicago, San Antonio and Paris
4. A cell phone
5. A puppy (I'll be happy with just the puppy)

So you see my dilemma. Here's my list, for comparison.

1. To keep all my money.

We've been going crazy with guides at the Mighties as a lot of people actually enjoy buying people thoughtful presents during this season. Here's what we have so far.

At Mighty Junior.

The Teacher's Gift Guide.

The Handmade Holiday Guide.

The (Accidentally) Very Red Luxury Gift Guide.

At Mighty Haus.

The Wreath Round Up

10 DIY Ideas For Neighbor Gifts

Gifts for Entertainers.

Christmas Ornament Round Up

Phew, no wonder I can't come up with anything to say here.

Last Chance: Velveeta Casserole Challenge Voting ends Tomorrow!

Have you tried my Velveeta Challenge recipe? Remember, the one with the lame name that is pretty much an ingredient list. So creative.

Anyway, if you tried it and you liked it, please go vote for me and my big face over at Velveeta! Voting ends tomorrow, November 23.

Have a great weekend!

(PS: I ate a hamburger last night for dinner. With a crusty bun and my throat survived. Take that Tonsillectomy!)

Other Places: The Mighty Edition

Over at Mighty Junior we've been pulling together gift guides for every age. So far we have One Year Olds, Two Year Olds and we recently came up with some great gifts for Three Year Olds.

We've also started our Holiday Guides with Kids' Gifts Under $30.

Finally, at Mighty Haus, we closed out the Thanksgiving At Your Haus and it's got me all excited to host a big Thanksgiving bash. If only all our friends would ditch their "family" obligations

Other Places: Target Christmas Wrapped

I am writing a few posts for Target's Christmas Wrapped guide this season.

I wrote about our Holiday Progressive last year after we hosted, but for this post I worked out more of the details on setting a great big table on the cheap. You can read it here.

I just volunteered to host this year's progressive again. I can't understand how we'd live in this awesome house and not invite as many over. Watch for next year's post about hosting a big holiday party in 1100 square feet. (That's a hint for those of you playing along at home.)

Did They Eat It?: Queso with Chicken, Black Beans and Rice Velveeta Edition

Finally! The (Rather Lamely Named) RECIPE!!!!!!!!

This is most of my ingredients: Multigrain tortilla chips, diced onion, brown rice, black beans, Ro-Tel, minced garlic, cumin and chili pepper. And, you know Velveeta (2%!)

Other Places: Maternity Hospital Bag at Mighty Junior

Yesterday we closed out a feature called, Maternity Hospital Bag: 16 Essentials for Moms in Labor at Mighty Junior. Some beautiful stuff, some things that made me think, Gee, I wish I could do that all over again.

Then I remembered how bad I was at it the first two times around. Poof. I can still have a new robe though, right?

Other Places: The Awkward Segue Edition!

I completed the Halloween Decor guide at Mighty Haus this week. Your house will be eerie all without animatronics.

Outside of the guides, OhMyGod I never thought I'd be in love with a fire extinguisher, but I am. So are you. Right?

Halloween Costumes: Dress Them While You Can

There are costumes my kids want to wear. Hannah Montana and Policeman With a Mustache come to mind. Okay, I can get behind mustached policeman, but that idea only came after we worked through several Marvel Comic heroes.

Gone are the days I got to spend all year planning what my kids would be for Halloween. Now I just sort of roll along, praying for something we'll both enjoy putting together. Do you think Max will go for a policeman with a mustache wearing short shorts? I'm guessing no.

My point in telling you all this is to point you to my collection of costumes you want them to wear at Mighty Junior. If your kid is more open to your ideas than mine, get over there.

Whining with something productive at the end.

The irritation I feel at my landlord and my inability (at Logan's wise request) to say unpleasant things to him has now become a strep/tonsilitis infection. That's right, all the bitter bile I've been containing in my body has traveled to my tonsils.

Right now it feels as if I did have words with my landlord and he punched me in the throat in response. His fist might still be in there. I'm not sure.

I am sure that there's a nice frosty glass of water next to my bed and it's taunting me because I keep putting it in my mouth and then spitting it out because I can't face trying to swallow my landlord's fist again.

Between my 5:00 doctor appointment and 8pm I've taken three doses of my antibiotic. So either I'm going to kick the shit out of this infection and feel better tomorrow morning or I'll wake up with a raging yeast infection. Oh Boy. You guys are so lucky to read this website!

But all is not lost. Maggie's friend Margaret helped us out when we lamented the lack of cool boy's clothes while searching for our back to school clothes guide. It turns out I just have a tremendous lack of imagination when I dress my own son and couldn't break out of our little Gap Jeans With Various T-Shirts Rut.

Margaret sent us a great collection of stuff you'll want to take a look at over at Mighty Junior.

Mighty Haus: Jordan Ferney From Oh Happy Day!

I've mentioned before how much I love and am constantly inspired by Jordan Ferney's taste in planning events.

Little did I know she could have saved my frozen peas after Logan's vasectomy.

We asked Jordan to be our first guest editor at Mighty Haus. I could hardly wait to see what she'd send, you can hardly wait to see it all too.

"Guest Editor: Jordan Ferney From Oh Happy Day!"

Mighty Junior: Gift Closet Guide: 14 Gifts Under $20

You know how your kid is always invited to birthday gatherings and then at the last minute you remember and on the way you're buying a gift and putting it in a gift bag....and everyone knows you bought it at the last minute.

Just me?

Well, okay then. These are perfect birthday gifts for the kids in your life, you organized thing you.

Fourteen Perfect Gifts For Under $20 

Other Places: Week Of September 1

The kids were back to school this week and it reminded me of that one time I tried to get things done while I punched myself in the face and my goodness it was distracting! Then I decided to stop. Suddenly, I could concentrate!

True, the kids didn't punch me in the face this summer but kids, even the most adorable, well behaved and exceeding intelligent kids don't really give a shit if you have stuff you'd like to do.

Little known fact: Kids are selfish! Who knew?

Here's what I got done this week:

At the Buzz Off I found some lunchbox inspiration. I was so inspired, on Wednesday I night I made pancake batter and whipped up pancakes for breakfast. (It was my way of saying, "Hey, thanks for not punching me in the face. Have a great day!") I wrapped the extras in aluminum foil with a small container of applesauce for dipping and sent them to school.

At Mighty Junior I closed out a list of 15 Perfect Gifts For Two Year Olds and we had Chris Jordan, from Notes From The Trenches, share a few of her favorite things.

Mighty Haus is still exceedingly fun to shop for. Mustaches aren't dead yet are they? Because I still love them in all forms. (A reader sent me the link to those glasses and I can't find the note to say, "Thanks!" So...."Thanks!") Also, check out these little woodpeckers that attach to your file boxes. They're such a funny little touch for the office. I need them.

Other Places: The I Need Childcare Edition

This morning I had a wistful moment thinking about how another summer's gone by and how many more things I'd planned to do with the kids. I was thinking how I wish I'd gotten child care so the work I should be able to get done in twelve intense hours a week didn't end up taking me five wildly interrupted days a week.

It's not even that the kids are bad, or need me standing over them all the time. It's that the guilt of having them here when I could be doing stuff with them, at least part of the time, absolutely kills me. Contrary to what you may think, I love doing things with my kids. I just don't like doing things with them every single day for 12 hours a day.

Many people before me have learned, doing 8 things at once means you've really done all of those things half-assed. I say this every year but next year, remind me. Next year I'm going to get someone to come take the kids to do fun things on the days I work. Then, on the days I'm not working we're going to make more time for fun.

The truth is, we did do quite a lot. But there were also quite a few days where we ate dinner and I realized the whole day had slipped past me.

Then I walked in on the kids playing a game involving a sofa cushion and screaming as loudly as possible and I thought, "Well, next year I can do it differently but Holy Shit Tuesday can't come soon enough. For all of us."

Luckily Logan has a four day weekend and we're going to fit in another three or four items on the Fun For Summer list before Tuesday.

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Last week I didn't sit down to share links to the other places I've been working. So here's a great big list.

Last Tuesday at The Buzz Off I highlighted 5 Excellent School Fundraisers. This Tuesday I did something different and shared what a few bloggers did on their summer vacation. Oddly, none of them ate their young over summer vacation. You should come over and tell us what you did. Especially if you ate your young.

At Mighty Junior I ran a Lego RoundUp, have been working on a Perfect Gifts For Two Year Olds guide and I think I closed out the Back To School Clothes Guide since the last time we talked. Check out the Lunchbox Round Up as well.

At Mighty Haus I keep finding lovely things. Here are a few of my favorites from the last couple weeks.

Like this Molded Ply Wastebasket: "This is where you’d throw all your rejected tag lines if you were Don Draper."

The Ring Doorbell: "The product description said everything I needed to hear, “The RING doorbell has a true ‘ding dong’ sound”. Next, I’d like to find a dog that actually says “Woof, Woof.”

And Handpresso: "Espresso in the wild? Now you have zero excuse to avoid camping. Wait, except for bears. And sleeping on the ground. And outhouses. Whew. That was close."

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Enjoy your last summer weekend. We have to run and find out which wonderful teacher will enrich the lives of my children while I work guilt free for 6 hours a day. Thank you, Jesus. Amen.

I swear we encourage farting in this house.

Back in November I took Gary, The Cat to the vet because he was growling at us and walking weird. Gary is just about the nicest cat you'll ever meet. He's also one of the biggest cats you'll ever meet. It's entirely possible he could break a bone while walking down the stairs. In spite of myself I was concerned. If you'll recall, we paid $115 to find out Gary....was....constipated.

This morning Max came into my room, laid down in the bed and told me his stomach was hurting. This happens to my kids from time to time so we tried a few yoga moves I've learned. We tried having Max lay with a pillow under his stomach. Nothing seemed to help and at hour two he started crying and begging to go to the doctor. An hour before he had been crying and begging not to go to the doctor. (Hello? Shots?)

So I called and told the doctor we needed to get in immediately because my baby has appendicitis or cancer or malaria.

Of course as we drove to the doctor....his abdominal pain went away.

We use a family doctor for "emergency" visits and the pediatrician for our regular check ups because the family doctor has a lot more openings each day, but the pediatrician knows us a lot better. The family doctor is thorough, they have an x-ray machine (pediatrician doesn't) in the office and they're not afraid to use it.

The doctor asked him to pee in a cup for the first time in his life. Max looked at the doctor like she'd lost her fucking mind. "Lady? Do you want to drink my pee?"

After that they took a couple vials of blood and I had a reasonable amount of success at keeping his general "I'm afraid" crying from becoming the "Donkey Bray" (Thank you, Lindsay) screaming it can turn into lately. He cried but it never turned into the mouth thing where I have no choice but to gut myself with the broken end of a liquor bottle.

Finally we had x-rays done.

The diagnosis?

Gas and constipation!

JUST LIKE GARY!

Except it only cost me my pride as a mother being able to tell What The Fuck is going on with my kid and trusting my instincts. Oh, and $25. (Also unlike Gary, Max didn't urinate in the cat carrier on the way home from the vet.)(Also Max wasn't in a cat carrier on the way home from the doctor.)

We're still going to see his pediatrician on Monday to talk about how things have been going, but for now the constipation thing could go a long way in explaining his mood.  I mean the truth is, I've become pretty happy not having to keep track of the poops my kids put in the toilet. There was a time in my life when my days revolved around how much poop came out of each kid. It was a five or six year period and I was pretty happy not to think about anyone's poop but my own.

So I don't know when the last time my kid pooped was. Similarly, my kid doesn't exactly mark down his poops on a calendar and he has no clue when the last time he pooped was. I guess he has more important things to worry about....like curing AIDS or something.

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Hey I did another project with the kids this week. You can read about it at The Buzz Off. As an update, Maddie had a couple friends over this afternoon and took apart her toothpick sculpture and reworked it with them. Nice, an additional hour of daylight burned. Thank you Jesus.

At Mighty Haus we made a Deck Your Deck feature. It's kind of depressing me that almost everything on our list is on sale right now because summer is halfway over. Don't get me wrong, school starting is a pretty big prize but the stupid fall and winter in Michigan is kind of depressing.

At Mighty Junior I've been Christmas shopping....I mean Back To School shopping.....same thing. Here's our Back To School Guide and our Lunchbox Round Up. This week the Back To School Clothes Guide is running.

Other Places: The Someone Else Should Be The Mom Now Edition

The children have threatened to physically assault me if I don't do "something fun" with them today. I'm not particularly worried about the physical damage they can do to me, I'm pretty strong and know a few ninja moves. I am however concerned about the emotional trauma the two of them can inflict on me with their guilt trips. The unending guilt trips.

Did you know, for example, that trying to hug and tickle Maddie while she's acting bored and 13 and then sticking a (not all that sticky anymore) mustache on her Hannah Montana poster to get a laugh, means I HATE her and NEVER listen to her.

Dinner conversation was lovely last night....

I guess this marks the beginning of the end of my positive attitude about the summer. I am now officially counting down the days until they go back to school and we have a little space to ourselves. Because right now, I'm really fighting back the desire to stick all the remaining mustaches from the party we had Saturday on every Hannah Montana/Ashley Tisdale/Selena Gomez/Jonas Brothers poster in her room.

That's about how mature I'm feeling.

I also kind of want to put my finger about 1 millimeter away from her face and say, over and over, "I'm not touching you."

So I guess we'll be going to see a movie. Max will have to sit between Maddie and I to keep me from giving her a wet willy.

In other less antagonizing and childish news....

Yesterday I closed out the Back To School guide at Mighty Junior.

Maddie and I also made Button Pendant necklaces at The Buzz Off.

I guess that wasn't enough fun, now I've gotta take them to buy ponies.

Other Places: Am finally feeling the summer burn.

Boy today is not going how I'd like.

I did manage to get my Buzz Off column completed on time (for the first time...in a couple of weeks). (Nice.)

Maddie and I made paper bead necklaces yesterday and I showed you how to do it too.

August is almost here. Once I throw that 40th birthday party, get the family ready for camping and clean up my kitchen....I might feel like I can accomplish something outside of my wifely duties again.

Other Places: The I Took The Red Eye Home & Have Been Asleep Since Edition

For the second week in a row, I'm late with my Buzz Off post. I collected five of my favorite outdoor birthday party themes to get you lucky people with summer birthdays to celebrate some inspiration. While researching I found a lot more birthday party inspiration so watch for that post in another month.

Speaking of parties, Maggie and her amazing husband Bryan pulled off a wonderful party to celebrate the launch of our new site Mighty Haus. If I met you there, Hello! Wasn't that fun!? (You can see Maggie's pictures here.)

Tuesday at Mighty Haus I closed out the 50 problem solvers under $50 feature we launched with.

I was also a guest editor at Mighty Goods last week and it's probably a good thing I don't write for that site because I've never been so tempted to buy everything I linked to.

Maggie took over at Mighty Junior and I closed out her 15 Must-Haves For Traveling With Babies and Toddlers feature yesterday as well.

Now that that's all done, I could really use a nap.

Detroit, San Francisco and other places.

Detroit and San Francisco have one thing in common.

No, not progressive thinking and social activism.

Both cities have made it illegal to talk on the phone and drive. Which is nice because everything else is totally legal in the city of Detroit. (Rim-Shot!)

I forgot to link you last week to my piece about 10 Fun Things For Your Block Party and today (a day late! Because I rule at pre-trip planning!) a piece about Keeping In Touch With Your Camper.

Isabel Kallman, founder of Alpha Mom, is also a featured editor at Kirtsy this week. You should look.

I know I'm bombarding you with links but I just need to tell you about these things going on. The Mighty Haus 50 problem solvers for under $50 is putting up 10 new problem solvers every day this week so if you've got a problem (that can be solved with a gadget) go look.

At Mighty Junior Maggie is taking over the reigns with 15 must-haves for traveling with kids. On Monday I forgot to mention I closed out Gabrielle from Design Mom's guest editor picks. They were, as expected, perfect.

Hauswarming

Yesterday at this time I was in the airport parking lot waiting for a shuttle, for 45 minutes, and today I am in San Francisco writing this post while the amazing Hank Mason yells something the Mason's claim is "Truck!" but it sounds a lot like another word. A word people in Detroit tend to yell when they're upset. But in San Francisco it's what 17-Month-Olds yell when they want to watch a movie about "trucks".

Okay San Francisco whatever you say.

Also today, as opposed to yesterday, I'm writing a new website! It's called Mighty Haus and you will love it.

"Mighty Haus is a design and shopping blog for people who like to nest. We look for objects that solve problems and make your life lovely all at once."

Our first big feature is 50 Problem Solvers Under $50, and if you have a problem I think you're going to find something to help you solve it.

Okay, a problem in your home.

Other Places The Summer Fun Edition.

As you might imagine, I am fond of children being outside during the summer. With that in mind we made a  Go Play Outside! Backyard Guide over at Mighty Junior. I found really fun things to keep your kids out in the backyard for at least one magazine's worth of reading.

Also this week at Mighty Junior Gabrielle from Design Mom and Kirtsy is guest editing. I send my friend Maggie links all the time of things I come across that blow my mind and about 8 out of 10 times they're things I saw at Design Mom. She's good. You should come see what she's sharing.

I'm a little behind in sharing what I've been buzzing about at The Buzz Off. Last week in an effort to make our upcoming August camping jaunt a little better than that horrible other one from May, I shared my bookmark folder full of helpful camping with kids tips. Making Camping With Kids Easier.

Today I gave you 10 Great Activities For Block Parties. I left out tip #11, "Drink Safely Because There Will Be Men Around", because I'm growing up. Well, except for the part where I just did it anyway. Oh well!

In other news I have a conference call tonight. I am looking forward to this conference call about as much as I am looking forward to going to the doctor Friday to find out if I have Celiac's disease and will never again be able to drink beer.  By this I mean, I'm not looking forward to talking on the phone.

However I am excited about the reason for the call. I'm talking with Maggie Mason, Evany Thomas and Sarah Brown about our upcoming panel at Blogher next week. (This summer is going fast. Can you believe I just typed that?)

Our session is called Pursuing Your Passion Never Gets Old. It's about finding love as a old person. I'll be speaking about how my grandfather had a penis implant some time in the 70's and it inflated.

I know you'd all like to be there to hear about that but this session will be wildly popular so I don't think there will be enough room for all of you. Just do your best.

No actually it's about adjusting your blaaaaging to suit you as you grow and change so you don't get sick of it. It's about how to avoid writing about your dead grandfather's penile implant over and over again because you're out of material.

It seems I'll be the "don't" of the group.

I told him everything doesn't have to be white.

I have a few places to share with you today...

I closed out the Camping With Kids guide at Mighty Junior today. I loved putting it together, it made me a little more excited to go camping this summer with the family.

I also shared 5 Fourth Of July crafts at the Buzz Off. I chose these crafts because they're quite lovely and will make your home feel a little more patriotic. But mostly I picked them because they're reasonably easy to do with kids.

Finally, could you help Jennifer at Design Hole tell me what the hell to do with my living room? I would have asked all of you first, but I thought Jennifer could lead the charge. I love what she's come up with, especially given my incredibly limited budget and uncertainty about how long we'll be in this house. We need a focal piece of art, to help us choose where to go with the rest of the room. This is excellent advice.

Also, I can't thank Jennifer enough for the paint mock-up on the desk. It might be the only way I can finally convince my husband once and for all white is not the way to go with that stupid desk.

Weekly links to other stuff.

Today at the Buzz Off I shared 10 of our favorite outdoor games. Most of them have pretty simple rules but they're the kind of things you might not think to teach your kids, I thought they'd just pick these things up.

I don't know why but I thought kids were born knowing how to drink from a straw and how to make a swing go on it's own. But no, these are things you need to teach them.

I also started the camping guide today at Mighty Junior, you should watch over the next week to see some great things to make camping with kids a little more pleasant than this.

Also, ff you're taking your kids camping this year, check out the wealth of tips at Parent Hacks. I refuse to spend this next camping excursion night keeping my tent on the ground with the power of my mind as rain pours in.

I never post and then all I do is blabber on and on.

A week or so ago Maddie saw the dreaded Maturation Video at school. You know the one where they tell you about your period and body odor and the fact that you'll grow breasts...at some point. I already handled these things with great ease, or not. Still, I did buy her a book and it answered a lot of her questions and kind of narrowed down the things she wanted to know about.

I bought myself a few more years before I have to explain BDSM. Phew.

During the Maturation Video they talked a little about how some girls experience "Mood Swings" as their bodies go through changes.

One day Maddie had a little emotional come apart because the two way radio she walks to school with didn't connect to me right away. She came running into the house, hyperventilating and fighting back tears. I explained to her that, since she'd just walked out the door and I hadn't yet reached the radio which was in the kitchen, about six feet away, I hadn't turned it on.

But see now? I'm turning it on. You're okay, take a deep breath.

Later that afternoon she said, "Remember this morning? When I freaked out about the radio not working? Was that a "Mood Swing"?"

Oh, oh, oh....Dear Sweet Little Madison, you were born on a mood swing and if it's PMS? That either means your body's been waiting for your period for about NINE AND A HALF YEARS or that you're my daughter and a little high strung. Sorry.

******

In other news I just closed out a guide to wonderful summer party dress up clothes for kids at Mighty Junior. Shockingly, we pulled together a lot of great things for girls and boys.

I also came up with a list of 50 Things To Do With Kids Around Detroit Before They Grow Up at the Buzz Off. Surprisingly, not one of them involves a racial stereotype, a joke about crime or a reference to the stupid mayor.

I think it's a good list, but obviously not complete. If you're in the area, give me your best ideas over there in the comments.

Father's Day Gift Guide among other things.

Yesterday I wrote about my goals for summer with the kids at the Buzz Off. Since I wrote that I came up with a few more. Make a weekly trip to the library, have a picnic lunch at least every other week, don't kill Maddie when she insists she "can't" play a video game with Max, even though the reason we got the game was because FOUR people could play it at the same time.

Today I closed out a couple of guides at Mighty Junior.

We pulled together 14 great things for dads. The ice cube tray on the list is a little on the inexpensive side, but seriously, it will change the way you look at ice. Of course if you have a husband like mine, you're going to want to take a look at Mighty Good's Top Shelf Father's Day Guide.

Grab a bottle of his favorite liquor and throw in the life-changing ice cube tray and you've made your dad's (or your kid's dad's) summer.

I also closed out a new feature, Wood from Sweet Juniper as Guest Editor. Check out her excellent picks here, I knew when I asked her she would not let me down.

Two Quick Things.

If you need to buy a gift for a one year old any time soon, here you go.

Lots of great ideas at Mighty Junior. (Click on the image to go there.)

Or you can read about chapter books to read with your kid at the Buzz Off.

Today is supposed to be the only beautiful day here this week. So I'm going to spend it writing, picking up the, now fixed, parts of our trampoline (Logan's act of JackAssery), getting my passenger door fixed on my van (my act of Jackassery continues to flare up) and trying to convince AT&T that they shouldn't fix my Blackberry but should instead just cough up an iPhone.

I think they're going to go for it.

Portland Mighty Finds

First, let me set your mind at ease. Gary the cat came back. Of course the neighbors didn't try to eat him, but don't think that means they won't at some point.

Back in February, I went to Portland with Maggie and then all the ladies came at the end and it was very fun. The only problem is we bought all this stuff and then I left it in Maggie's apartment for her to deal with. Which was understandable, I only had two bags to get home with, but still not very fun for them.

We bought a lot of stuff.

We also learned that Portland likes a)pottery and b)green things

I finally got around to listing all our fabulous finds over at our Etsy shop. You should go, take a look and see if you can't find something wonderful for your house.

I bet you can.

Here's a slide show, it makes me miss the Ace Hotel room where we took all the pictures after shopping for hours.

I think the Bad Neighbor is serving my cat for dinner.

Life is awfully slow in the interesting ways around here.

Here's a quick story. There's one neighbor here that nearly everyone hates. Which is refreshing because in our old neighborhood I was the one neighbor everyone hated. When I try to explain why everyone has feelings for this person that range from "FUCK YOU, YOU HORRIBLE WOMAN!!!!"*** on to "Enh, I wish she'd move."

Every time I try to explain this, I fall into a blood pressure raising discussion that spans over 10 years of stories and interactions with this person. She is....awful is too nice a term to use when referring to her. I mean Liver and Onions is, in my opinion, awful. She's more like Head Cheese. Head Cheese is repugnant. It defies explanation. It's something you wish you didn't know existed.

***Clearly I fall into this category.

We've started letting Gary The Cat outside in the new house since we've lived here for nine months now. Not sure why that makes a difference but in my mind he's more committed. Tonight, we let him out and I haven't seen him since. Usually he hangs out by the door and runs inside the minute I open it. Also, coincidentally (or not) I noticed the husband of the neighbor I like to think of as Head Cheese out rolling around a heavy wheelbarrow.

Now if Gary comes back tonight I'll probably think this was a stupid thing to think. But I think Husband of Head Cheese had Gary, knocked unconscious,  in his wheelbarrow and they're currently burying him in their trash cans for the Friday pick up.

I'll keep you posted.

In less bad energy inducing news, I wrote about Mother's Day Giveaways at The Buzz Off. You could win stuff and telling you about it lessens my chances of winning so maybe I just earned back my karma.

Probably not.

Also Maggie closed out the Mother's Day Gift guide at Mighty Goods and Mighty Junior. We combined our efforts (meaning I contributed three gifts to the guide and Maggie did the other stuff). Considering that my siblings and I are buying my mother a privacy fence for her back yard (as a Mother's Day + 60th birthday gift) this makes a lot of sense. For Christmas we bought her a new stove.

We're very thoughtful as a family. Actually the members of our family who do not share DNA with us are thoughtful. Actually, everyone in our family who is not me is very thoughtful. I did give you that Giveaway link and that gives you access to my new favorite source for dresses. So I am thoughtful....in a way. Too bad my brother can't exactly use that link.

I've been so busy. So busy dying.

So after the three week long illness I couldn't stop talking about, you know, the one that stripped me of my will to live and left me with blood pouring from my eyes? I started to feel a little better by last week but then? My throat began to feel as if a smallish (though is there really such a thing as a "small" rock when we're talking about our throats?) rock was lodged in the back of it. I tried to ignore it and will myself to be healthy because this is starting to feel karmic. But finally Saturday morning I went to the doctor and SURPRISE! I have tonsillitis.

And the the Black Plague.

But don't worry I'm on another round of antibiotics*.

*Come back next week when you get to hear all about the raging yeast infection I've developed from a month on antibiotics. My body is a wonderland.**

**I won't really tell you about my yeast infection. I'd rather call each of you individually on the telephone to schedule a Festival Of Hugs Marathon than write about that not so fresh feeling.

Still I've managed to persevere and come up with five great Mother's Day crafts your kids could make you if your parenting partner gets wind of what you want.

I also managed to close out the Heirloom Gift Guide at Mighty Junior and the first person who tells me how expensive everything is gets a big sloppy wet kiss directly from my infection-laden mouth to yours.

Funny story. I was looking for a classic baby carriage for the guide because, though not practical, it is such a sweet item (and you can use it in your apartment as a cradle if you'd like). I found this one and thought, 'Gee, that's awfully expensive.' (Which is against the rules of shopping for cool things, btw.) Then went in search of a less expensive model and found this one. And gee, it's funny how suddenly the first option seems downright affordable by comparison.

Many other places for you to see.

Did it just get really White in here? Or is that you?

Logan sent me this this morning.

When you meet a person wearing New Balance shoes it is a good idea to ask them about the marathon for which they are inevitably training. If they say “I’m not training for a marathon,” this is a good opportunity to raise your status by saying “oh, I thought only runners wore those. My running club all wear New Balance except for a few jerks who won’t shut up about Asics. I’m still a bit sore from the 10k run this morning.”

This is an extremely effective move since white people who jog are generally viewed as being better than white people who don’t. Although perhaps it’s more accurately stated that white people who jog feel the need to constantly prove they are better than white people who don’t.

Now, to be fair it's not Logan who constantly runs around telling people he runs marathons. It's mostly me telling people, "I know he comes off as really smart and handsome and funny, but get this, HE RUNS 26.2 MILES IN A ROW. ON PURPOSE." Most of the people I know think it's as crazy as I do. And a lot of them are white, so you know, do with that what you want.

I shared some birthday inspiration today at the Buzz Off, including this cake my friend Jodi made. It's actually a pretty simple process. You should try it if you have a SpongeBob fan in your house.

Last week I mentioned we were starting an Heirloom Gift Guide at Mighty Junior but I lied. I just felt like lying about it for some reason. Actually I wanted to do it but I was dead last week and now I'm back to life and have started the guide. Items will be added every day so you should look and maybe question the decision to get that vasectomy. For a minute.

Still Sick.

I haven't written because I didn't want to admit a few things. The biggest thing I didn't want to admit is:

I get sick a lot.

This whole house is sick a lot.

Holy Shit I am sick. Last week it was mainly mild exhaustion, I thought I was just recovering from my weekend of convalescing at Alice's house. I didn't fill a prescription for antibiotic because I thought I was stronger than that. I thought I'd teach my immune system to SUCK IT UP already and get on with the process of living a life which is not in my bedroom.

This is what I thought. I also may have gloated to Logan that my cough was going away all on it's own and I didn't even need antibiotics like he did. "Poor Little Bunny".

My immune system appears to be a gigantic baby however and is currently cowering and whimpering in the corner while whatever this monstrous thing in my body is beats it about the head and neck.

So yes, that's all that's happening in my world. Mucous and a careful minute by minute cataloging of my current symptoms. I know you're interested, as interested as Logan is.

Swollen glands.
Pain in neck (likely caused by the enormous weight of my head).
Plugged up left ear.
Mild rattily cough.
Low grade fever.
Blood pouring from my eyes
Slow liquifying of my vital organs.

When I wasn't cataloging my symptoms I was writing about Earth Day over at The Buzz Off. I've also been putting up some items at Mighty Junior and tomorrow marks the beginning of the Heirloom Baby Gift Guide.  Also Max learned to ride his bike (without training wheels) and Maddie completed her first school science fair project titled, "Attention: Messy Windows"

Look out Messy Windows, Madison has got your number!

Less funny, less edgy, less witty*...but still, she types!

It's been awfully quiet here this week hasn't it? I apologize, I've been asleep.

While in New Jersey over the weekend it took every ounce of my will power to stay awake or once asleep to actually get out of bed. I knew it wasn't the company I was keeping making me so tired, I did start to wonder if the state of New Jersey was just exhausting me. The last time I was in New Jersey....things didn't go very well.

Maybe I was having a Post Traumatic reaction to the state. When I landed in Detroit around 6 Sunday night it seemed maybe it was true. Spring has finally arrived in Michigan, I missed my kids and husband and when we walked into our house (love the house), I wanted to stay awake for hours! Maybe even until 10 or 11 o'clock!

But then, at 7:30 I started watching the clock to see when I could go to bed. I made it to 8:30 and I haven't been awake for 10 consecutive hours since then.

Well, except for yesterday, when I chaperoned five 1st graders through the zoo. I think I may have enjoyed chaperoning five smallish crocodiles through the zoo more than I enjoyed taking 5 boys through the zoo.

Here's the thing about boys. They're insane. Actually I think they're only insane in groups of two or more. There may be exceptions to this, like say, boys who are insane when they're all by themselves. But for the most part "Group Of Boys" = "One long loud fart joke which never ends."

So besides sleeping and dragging a band of hooligans through the zoo, I haven't been doing much of anything this week. I'm hoping next week is better, or at least more awake.

I did manage to write a little about the tooth fairy at The Buzz Off, the tooth fairy who appears to not exist in this house anymore simply because I forgot one too many times. When will kids start taking check cards from the tooth fairy? I mean who the hell carries cash anymore?

I also closed out a little baby shower gift guide at Mighty Junior. Classic gifts meant for the classic baby...the kind that sleeps, eats and cries.

*Title refers to my website's place in a box within an article about Heather Armstrong in the Wall Street Journal. The heading might read, "Not as funny, but still...."

Iz Not Watching Him Masturbate.

Here's something fun. I made it as a surprise for Logan. I think it makes him feel a little safer while I'm away.

You can make your own here.

Unique Baby Shower Gifts

I closed out my next gift guide at Mighty Junior. It's the unique baby shower gift guide. And by unique I don't mean "Unique", I mean....you know.

"Spring is baby shower season. You could run by Baby’s R Us to grab a set of footie pajamas on your way to the party, but you want something memorable. College tuition? Maybe not that memorable. Check out our collection of gifts that will have the new mom asking, “Where’d you get that?”"

Over two hundred viruses cause the common cold. Stop fighting it.

The kids and I created a couple terrariums last week during spring break, I shared them at The Buzz Off this week and you might enjoy that. (It's less of a 'How-To' and more of a 'Go over here and here to find out how to and we just sort of flew by the seat of our pants and did this' Too long for the title field and definitely not SEO'd.)

Spring break is the break where I start to realize if I don't up my income substantially we're going to be staring at each other every single day for three months this summer. And I'm going to be saying, "I don't know why you have to be so mean to him all the time." And, "Just use your words. We don't hit in this family." Until the cats punch me in the face and tell me to call The Supernanny already.

Maybe it will be different this year since we live in Heaven now. But a few weeks of summer camp never hurt anyone. Or so I assume since I never went away to camp. If I was away from home for more than 12 hours I would become increasingly anxious about what was happening there. This is amusing to me now because mainly what was happening at home was my parents ignoring each other or conversely throwing Little Debbie Snack Cakes at each other's heads. So you can clearly see why I wouldn't want to be AWAY from all that. WHAT THE EVER LOVING HELL NINE-YEAR-OLD ME??? (Also? 20 bucks says Maddie never goes to camp either because of her own anxiety. Though not about Logan and I throwing snack cakes at each other. We throw hugs and kisses at each other!)

=========================

I've had two things on my mind this week and it's a topic which hasn't come up since the days of MOMS Club. You know when I strangled myself with a jump rope and stabbed myself with a horse tranquilizer during a discussion of breast feeding at a playgroup?

I've found as my kids get older there are less hot buttons to trample on than there are when you're a mother of young kids surrounded by other mothers of young kids. Most of this is due to my highly developed sense of weeding people out.

We had drinks with another couple the other night and she is a librarian. We were talking about books and how there's no reason to finish a bad one, not when there are literally a million more to read. You'll never be able to read them all so cut your losses and move on.

I feel like that about people, if someone irritates you...which really has more to do with you than it has to do with them...move on. Because there are thousands of people out there who will be a better fit, you don't need to waste time on people who annoy you simply by being who they are.

Still there are two things that continue to drive me crazy in some parents I see around school and activities.

The first thing is people who try to pinpoint who gave their kid the flu/cold/strep whatever. This comes in the form of statements like, "Oh....so that's who gave it to us...." Or, "Didn't she realize he was sick? Why did she send him to school? Now my kid's got it!"

This is very similar to another issue I had as the mother of younger children desperately trying to fit in with my local MOMS Club. I wrote about it here.

There are a few things that bother me about this, the first one being the idea that it's so unusual for kids TO GET SICK. They get sick, you're stuck at home with them for a few days and maybe you eat mustard sandwiches because you can't get to the market. But really, this is called "life" and everyone gets sick. If you don't want illness to be a part of your life do yourself a huge favor and do not have kids.

The other thing that bothers me about this is the implication that some kid (or more specifically the kid's mother) purposely gave your kid a virus. That these irresponsible parents were so selfish they sent a sick child to school and now your kid is sick.

The truth is most illnesses are contagious before there are any detectable symptoms in your kid and if I were to keep my kids home from school every time they may have possibly come into contact with a virus or strep or whatever else is going around, my kids would never be in school. In fact they would have been home from November until now and probably wouldn't be able to make it back to school before summer break.

Instead of trying to pinpoint where your kid's illness came from let's use that energy to teach our kids to wash their hands.

The second thing is .... going to have to wait because I just really riled myself up. I think I pulled a muscle.

Mighty Finds: Portland

More of our Portland Finds are up at the Mighty Finds shop.

Last time we did a thrifting trip, I was surrounded by our wonderful finds all the time and even though it felt really good to show you all what we'd found, I spent a lot of the time thinking, "If this doesn't sell, I'd love to put it in the family room...."

This time all the stuff is at Maggie's place so when it shows up in the shop, I find myself nodding and smiling at the stuff I'd forgotten we found.

Also I remember how when we were in Portland it seemed like I was getting a sneak peek at spring. I thought Portland and San Francisco were just a month ahead of Detroit. I thought soon we'd be feeling the same way.

It's been over a month now and winter just keeps coming. I've lowered my standards from hoping there's no more snow. Now I'm just hoping there are no more snow days off of school.

I'm sure Kim Worthy is a racist.

Thank God.

April Fools Gift Guide

I'm closing out an April Fool's Gift Guide at Mighty Junior today. You should look. What was funniest about putting this list together is how dumb the pranks are, but when you look at them through the eyes of a kid. Holy Shit this stuff is HILARIOUS.

Here it is.

When you pull out the fake vomit, you’re kind of a jackass. When a five-year-old does it, it’s suddenly clever. Life is unfair. Here’s a collection of classic pranks that are suddenly new again in the hands of a kid.

The favorite in our house? Snakes in a Can. (And the grown man I mention who fell out of his chair? Dutch in a hilariously played out reaction. The best one yet.)

I simply can't express how happy I am it is finally Friday.

You can see the latest gift guide at Mighty Junior today. This week we've found a lot of great things for your baby's first Easter basket. Make sure to throw in a bunch of really good chocolate so you can "help" them eat it.

My personal favorite write up is here.

My grandmother used to make yo-yo dolls from her extra quilting fabric. This colorful bunny reminds me of those dolls. The best part is, you don’t have to learn to quilt, but you’ll still sound like a douche if you tell people it’s hand made by Bolivian artisans.

=================

The kids got McDonald's for lunch the other day. Can you explain this "toy"?

This is a toy from the television show Camp Lazlo.

The bottom part opens up to reveal a pencil. The toy reads, "Made In China"

(Aside, Max said the other day, "Chinese people are super good at making stuff." Me, "Why do you say that?" "Because they make almost EVERYTHING." Well Max, let me tell you a little something about cheap labor.)

The confusing part is the pencil itself. It reads, "Vietnam". You'll have to trust me because my lens had a bit of trouble focusing on the tiny letters.

I don't know what it means, but I'll tell you, I plan on putting the Vietnam pencil in my wallet so I can befuddle the entire state of Michigan.

==================

In other news, the sleep doctor called to let me know I am....lazy. Which we knew for the most part already.

The next step is being tested for Celiac's Disease next, though I truly don't think that's my issue. If it is and that's what's making me so tired all the time, then maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I mean, imagine the weight I'd lose when all my favorite foods are taken out of my life (well, except bacon).

I'll also get my thyroid checked and when that happens I'm sure the internet will tell me the exact name of the test I need to ask for because you are all good for that type of thing.

Then, if none of that turns up anything, I'll just start snorting cocaine. Whatever it takes.

Until then I'm just sleeping a lot.

Yesterday I had to take a table down to my friend's house. I've been trapped in the house with the kids for 5 days now and when I got to my friend's house to give her table back, I never wanted to leave. I wanted to wrap my body around her head and just talk about things. Things not involving body temperature, clogged noses or how incredibly hot the Jonas Brothers are.

But I didn't want to be a nuisance and besides if I'm not with the kids 24 hours a day, something might happen to their body temperature, or one of the Jonas Brothers might start dating someone and then what? I'd miss it! That's what.

Easter Basket Guide

I put together a lovely collection of things to put in your kid's Easter basket at Mighty Junior.

I think you'll like it. You should go look.

Up next, a baby basket guide. I won't mention candy, but you should put it in there so you can eat it all before they're able to protest.

New Goods @ Mighty Goods Shop

Remember 38 years ago when I traveled to California? And then Maggie and I debated eating each other on our long drive to Portland, Oregon where we were seduced by people who didn't look a lot like me but were among the nicest people I've ever seen?

While in Portland we found some fabulous things and I've been meaning to tell you they're up for sale, but I keep forgetting until another one sells.

You've already missed this and these, don't miss anything else.

Lucky 13

Plus a five and a one.

I want our living room to have orange accents. It's surprisingly difficult to find them.

I found these on Etsy at Aunt Mae's Apartment and got them in about 24 hours. I was stunned.

Things are better now.

I just signed up for the Photojojo Time Capsule email. Once a week they send a selection of your Flickr photos from one year ago.

Here's my first set.

February 2008 was remarkably traumatic I just remembered Max's Super Silver Toenail and the beginning of the wallpaper debacle....the wall paper and kitchen revamp that tried to kill me. I wish I'd known then what I know now.

That house is a fading memory.

I think you should sign up for your own. Hopefully your life is better now than it was last year.

Link via SwissMiss.

Fair Warning.

Guitar Hero Expert.

If Logan commits the time necessary to do this, it means there's a practically new Guitar Hero game on Craigslist going for free.

(Thanks for the link, Jill.)

We leave tomorrow, and I'm not sure I'm ready.

Chicago, you're like an old friend. You're like New York only I can understand how you work and your accent is a lot like mine.

I wish you charged less for parking, but you can't have everything.

We're having a wonderful time but I've taken a short break from the fun (kids swimming with Logan in the hotel pool) (putting a bathing suit on my body after this month of indulgence is about -10 on the enthusiasm scale) to start formulating plans for our next big party on Monday. You can read some of my ideas over at The Buzz Off.

I hope your Christmas was wonderful and your New Year is happy.