Suburban Bliss:: Birth Control Via The Written Word

Taking Love In.

I spent the day with a few friends at the beginning of December. It was Lisa's birthday so she asked a few of us to spend the day doing things she loved. So we went to Russel Street Deli, then to Avalon Bakery and then on to The Masonic for the Detroit Urban Craft Fair. On the way home we dropped off one friend at her beautiful carriage house in Palmer Woods (ah-mazing). After that we stopped at Pinwheel Bakery for macaroons and then went on to The Oakland for a delicious cocktail. 

It was a banner day and if there was any justice in this world that's how I'd spend every weekend. Alas my weekends since haven't been the same. Sigh.

I bring up that day because at breakfast Lisa was so satisfied. She was smiling and so happy she'd created this day she would love surrounded by friends. (Creating the day you'll love is inspiring in and of itself, fyi.)

At our table at Russel Street Lisa put her hand on my back and rubbed it and smiled at me. A simple friendly, loving gesture. "Hey, I'm happy you're here." 

And I felt myself pull up inside myself...imperceptively, but I did. 

I realized how often I've been handed love and how hard it is for me to really accept it. To feel worthy of it. To give it back. 

I silently berated myself for always feeling awkward around people I've known for years. For being the kind of person who silently analyzes a simple touch on the back. 

When the day was over, it kind of stuck with me. That simple act and why I tried to block it out. 

It feels like that's when something inside me flipped on. 

I can't even tell you what happened because it's all terribly cliche...but let's say this. I felt the cruelty I have approached myself with over the last 37 years acutely. I knew without a doubt that's why I can't accept love and have a very hard time giving it back...I've always been afraid to take in that kind of love. 

People have told me this over and over and I kept trying to be nice to me so I could be nice to others. To be complimentary to me, to blow smoke up my own ass if that's what it took. But it never really worked. 

Instead of berating myself for my failings I started thinking about how I've come through the last 6 months of my life.

And you know what? I am really fucking proud of myself. It was a rough year followed by an unbearable summer, culminating in a disaster autumn. And I fumbled my way through, making a lot of less than desireable moves while clawing my way through. 

By December though I had recovered enough to realize that appreciating myself, taking care of myself and taking pride in my accomplishments would move me into something new. Something happier, more loving and kind. Something calmer. 

And it has. 

This year my new years resolutions are related to this shift in my awareness. Here they are:

#1: Give people the benefit of the doubt 90% of the time. Instead of jumping to conclusions I need to learn to ask for answers, even if I don't like the truth. I need to breathe through uncomfortable suspicion and wait to ask for clarification before being angry. 

#2: Perform 52 acts of kindness (this averages to one a week...fyi...get it....52?). I'll document some of them, hopefully. I want to keep "Giving" as my keyword this year. I need to give back what I've received. (So far I've refilled a parking meter, sent an unexpected gift, said thank you to someone I needed to...)

#3: Get no more parking tickets in 2012 than I can count on one hand. (I had a lot of parking tickets last year...which is stupid.)

#4: Always answer my phone when a friend reaches out. I've overcome my hug thing. When Logan announced he was leaving I decided that hugs were welcome. Bring it. The phone is similar...Im learning to embrace talking on the phone. And when a friend needs me, I am strong enough now to reach back.

Uh...okay but don't call me all the time or I'll just get overwhelmed. But, I do love you guys. 

 

 

Resolutions 2011: Nesting

I'm starting to get that obsessive feeling about Realtor.com again. When we were getting our house ready to sell years ago, I kept myself motivated as I painted miles and miles of trim and spent 43 hours stripping wallpaper (and my fingerprints) off the kitchen walls by obsessively checking and rechecking Realtor.Com.

I'm beginning to realize that I'm the only one in this house who wants to leave Michigan (although Gary The Cat seems open to the idea), and though I think it would be a good move for all of us, I can't force anyone to do anything. Believe me, I tried.

Because our area is so depressed economically, there are a lot of houses for sale at really good prices in neighborhoods we couldn't have afforded years ago.

Also, because of my freelance income and the related self-employment tax, owning a house would greatly reduce our tax debt each year. 

On the other hand, I still like renting. I like not worrying about the majority of maintenance, I like how close to town we live and I also like the rent we pay. 

Committing to a house is also incredibly overwhelming because once we buy we plan on not moving again. This creates a lot of pressure...is this the right neighborhood? Will this space work for us forever? Do we want to stay in the downtown area or do we want to live a little further out and be sure of other families and a neighborhood camaraderie that's lacking downtown? Have we saved enough? Would we buy this house? Could we make it a better fit, another bathroom? A garage for our cars?

Etc. Etc. Etc.

So for now we're staying put, I'm browsing Realtor.com every day and at the same time I'm feeling the need to nest and make this house more comfortable for the next 1-2 years we're here. 

So I've come up with a list to keep myself motivated and because I've become quite enamored with Nesting Blogs, I thought I'd share my list and progress with you all. (I've also been collecting party, Craigslist Finds, and DIY inspiration over at my Tumblr site. You can see that here, though I may start bringing that content over here.)

This list is very long and very boring however, so you'll want to go read something interesting now. Unless you're Logan, then you better read and voice all your concerns now because once I'm on a roll, it's all over.

Back in the Saddle

We woke up at 6:30 this morning after a summer of lazy mornings lounging in bed for longer than I'm willing to admit publicly. Lucy looked around and said, "What the hell is going on?" 

We are still working with one car, though I'm sure very soon I'll lose my patience with the situation now that there are no more busses. When this happens I'll probably steal your car. Sorry. As of now I'm running a literal chauffer service just like the most cliched cliche. 

When I drop Logan at the office I yell as loud as I can, "Make sure you're waiting for me after school! I don't want to have to find you!!!!"

He's loving it. 

I think I'm going to see a movie all by myself today. It's the kind of thing I always mean to do but never really do. 

Since I am still just an unemployed nothing, I'm thinking I need to do more of those things I always mean to do during the day. Mostly so I don't sit around the house wishing I was being more motivated to do things. 

Which brings me to my School Year Resolutions:
Find a shared work space. 
Build routine into my day, everyday.
Conquer the several painting projects I have around the house. 
Repaint the entire first floor and upstairs hallway.
Nest the hell out of my house. 
Get back to cooking for a bit.
Buy a new camera. 

Do you have any resolutions for this school year? "Eat Frosting Naked On The Kitchen Counter"? Or "Finish That Thesis"? 

Show off.

2007, I miss you already.

This has been a weird start to the new year for me. It's like I'm not ready to let go of 2007 and I'm kind of mourning it in a way. Isn't that odd? Every other year I've made it to the end and been happy to let it go and start fresh.

2007 was wonderful in so many ways. It was my best year yet, even with all the countless hours of house prep and the stress of selling that house in a terrifying market. The resolutions I made last year went reasonably well. I displayed more pictures (though I still stink at having them printed), got a little better at hugging, entertained a lot, was nice to myself and sold the Mother Fucking House. Thank you Sweet Baby Jesus and your earthly surrogate father.

I did not run a 5K and the thought of it makes me want to hurl myself into traffic. I didn't really take pictures of Choppable and we did not wire our Christmas tree to the wall even though we should have because if it had fallen man we'd have been really pissed and also really stupid.

Ever since we sold the house and got into this lovely lovely home, I've been wondering where to put all my energy. For almost a full year I focused all my energy on selling the house and getting to this place. I'm the type of person who doesn't really know how to just let things happen.

All through the beginning of 2007 I kept saying to myself, "This is going to be a good year. My best year!" And when I watched homes not selling and sat on mine for longer than I wanted I kept telling myself, "But this is my best year ever! This has to work!"

Then it did and since that time I've been rolling around in the happiness of it all. Every time I start to get mad about something or something nags at me, like a certain runner and our failure of a 'getaway', I hear a voice in myself saying, "But I'm not ready to not be content yet!" Because this is my best year yet and it's been refreshing to be optimistic and happy most of the time. That's something I haven't been in a very long time.

With 2008 I fear I'm leaving my best year yet behind. I am afraid all the good luck I've had can't last and this is Classic Melissa, the one who worries and is anxious and a little sad a lot of the time.

The Classic Melissa I've been happy to leave behind. I'm not exactly sure how to keep her at bay so I can keep looking at the bright side and not fall into the pattern of adding up Things Which Are Not How I Want Them To Be.

I actually feel a little like crying as I type this post. I truly am going to miss 2007 and I guess I'll just have to hope 2008 can bring it.

Here are my goals and wishes for this year. Where I want an amount of energy similar to the amount of energy that went into willing my house to sell to go. With less crying possibly.

Things I want to move toward:
1) I need to take what I'm doing more seriously. Now that the kids are growing up and more self sufficient, I need to do career-wise what I was supposed to do when I was newly married and knocked up (while on the pill) before I had a chance to really build any sort of career.

I'm not exactly sure what this means in action, but I am willing to let it muddle around in my brain for a while and see what comes out of that overriding goal.   

2) I would (eventually) like to earn enough money to support our family so Logan can build his freelance work into something larger and more fulfilling. Again I am not exactly sure what that will look like, but I believe having the goal will bring the opportunities to me.

3) For the last six or so months I've had a needling thought in the back of my head that I am going to have to take much better care of my body very soon. I have friends who are physically greatly affected by how much sleep they get or how much water they drink and what kind of food they choose to put in their bodies. I've never been terribly affected by those things.

I'm actually mostly okay with being a little overweight, I've begun to understand this body a little more and how to dress it in a flattering way. I like having boobs I never really had before and my butt, well, I'm just not very offended by it anymore.

When I treat my body poorly, not eating well, not drinking water, drinking way too much diet soda, not making time for exercise and not getting enough sleep, I hear a voice in my head that says, "I know you won't do this forever. At some point it will feel better to drink more water and exercise and eat energy food than it does not to. Then you will change it."

I believe that about myself. I don't know if this is the year I truly start to do these things for myself, but there it is rattling around waiting for me to be ready.

4) Look into a part time office space. I love the flexibility of working from home, today I am not feeling well and have been writing in my bed in my pajamas. If there's a snow day or a sick kid, it's easy for me to work around it. I don't see myself handling any other situation very well. (I don't like surprises.)

However, since September I've realized how much I actually enjoy occasional interaction with other humans. The cats are wonderful of course but intensely lazy and nap inspiring. Also they don't get my jokes.

It's also good to have other like minded people to chat with during the day. When Maggie was here visiting I felt so inspired and writing up goods for Mighty Junior was great because I could throw out a half formed joke, get another half formed joke back and ta-da it's funnier than if I did it myself. 

Plus my social life is way out of balance in comparison to my spouses and it's largely due to the fact that I do not work with 14 year olds. Actually forget all the other stuff about creativity and social interaction, I really want an office space for the happy hours.

Things I will do right now.

1) Hire a housekeeper. 
I should be able to keep up with it but frankly I'm not very good at it and I can't function when the house is dirty. Especially since I work here and am here a lot of the day. This could also go under the heading of "Not being afraid to buy time for our family." Logan is very busy and wants to do a lot of stuff, if we have a day together as a family I don't want to spend it shoveling the walk and cleaning the bathrooms.

2) Go to bed at 10pm to read.

3) Work out three days a week. To facilitate this I am renting a locker at the gym and stocking it with doubles of all the toiletries I use to get ready in the morning. I will also head out immediately after the kids picked up in the morning.

4) Find a sitter we can hire for long weekend stays. Logan and I need to travel without kids at least once a year. The meltdown I had after New York showed me that quite clearly.

I hope 2008 is your best year yet and I hope at this time next year I'm saying, "Holy Crap! I thought 2007 was awesome but 2008 was the best! 2009 can't possibly be good. Ho Hum."

****Coming Next: Find out why kids aren't invited to parties! 12 adults and 17 kids for New Year's Eve is more chaotic and messy than it even sounds. 

Resolutions: 2007

Last year I didn't even make any resolutions, but I feel like I accomplished so much I'm surprised.

I was still stuck on the phone (I still am) and I thought I'd gotten better about hugs but a few days after Christmas we went out with Dutch and Wood and at the end of the night I hugged Dutch so awkwardly (it was mutual), Wood said, "You two look like toddlers trying to hug." Nice.

So maybe the hug will stay with me this year too, though I've given up on the phone.

Sell house. Move to new one in better neighborhood.

More pictures of Choppable.

I am also going to run another 5K in September. Even though I loathe running.

Entertain more, no matter where we live. I love having people over, when Maddie was little we had people over for pizza once a week and usually another night during the week. I miss it.

Keep up with having my favorite pictures printed, put in my yearly album and displayed (current, not ones from 3-4 years ago) around my house (much like this). (I stopped in 2004 and I hate it) starting with this year and working back into the back log slowly but surely.

Always wire the tree.

Keep taking care of me.