2007, I miss you already.
This has been a weird start to the new year for me. It's like I'm not ready to let go of 2007 and I'm kind of mourning it in a way. Isn't that odd? Every other year I've made it to the end and been happy to let it go and start fresh.
2007 was wonderful in so many ways. It was my best year yet, even with all the countless hours of house prep and the stress of selling that house in a terrifying market. The resolutions I made last year went reasonably well. I displayed more pictures (though I still stink at having them printed), got a little better at hugging, entertained a lot, was nice to myself and sold the Mother Fucking House. Thank you Sweet Baby Jesus and your earthly surrogate father.
I did not run a 5K and the thought of it makes me want to hurl myself into traffic. I didn't really take pictures of Choppable and we did not wire our Christmas tree to the wall even though we should have because if it had fallen man we'd have been really pissed and also really stupid.
Ever since we sold the house and got into this lovely lovely home, I've been wondering where to put all my energy. For almost a full year I focused all my energy on selling the house and getting to this place. I'm the type of person who doesn't really know how to just let things happen.
All through the beginning of 2007 I kept saying to myself, "This is going to be a good year. My best year!" And when I watched homes not selling and sat on mine for longer than I wanted I kept telling myself, "But this is my best year ever! This has to work!"
Then it did and since that time I've been rolling around in the happiness of it all. Every time I start to get mad about something or something nags at me, like a certain runner and our failure of a 'getaway', I hear a voice in myself saying, "But I'm not ready to not be content yet!" Because this is my best year yet and it's been refreshing to be optimistic and happy most of the time. That's something I haven't been in a very long time.
With 2008 I fear I'm leaving my best year yet behind. I am afraid all the good luck I've had can't last and this is Classic Melissa, the one who worries and is anxious and a little sad a lot of the time.
The Classic Melissa I've been happy to leave behind. I'm not exactly sure how to keep her at bay so I can keep looking at the bright side and not fall into the pattern of adding up Things Which Are Not How I Want Them To Be.
I actually feel a little like crying as I type this post. I truly am going to miss 2007 and I guess I'll just have to hope 2008 can bring it.
Here are my goals and wishes for this year. Where I want an amount of energy similar to the amount of energy that went into willing my house to sell to go. With less crying possibly.
Things I want to move toward:
1) I need to take what I'm doing more seriously. Now that the kids are growing up and more self sufficient, I need to do career-wise what I was supposed to do when I was newly married and knocked up (while on the pill) before I had a chance to really build any sort of career.
I'm not exactly sure what this means in action, but I am willing to let it muddle around in my brain for a while and see what comes out of that overriding goal.
2) I would (eventually) like to earn enough money to support our family so Logan can build his freelance work into something larger and more fulfilling. Again I am not exactly sure what that will look like, but I believe having the goal will bring the opportunities to me.
3) For the last six or so months I've had a needling thought in the back of my head that I am going to have to take much better care of my body very soon. I have friends who are physically greatly affected by how much sleep they get or how much water they drink and what kind of food they choose to put in their bodies. I've never been terribly affected by those things.
I'm actually mostly okay with being a little overweight, I've begun to understand this body a little more and how to dress it in a flattering way. I like having boobs I never really had before and my butt, well, I'm just not very offended by it anymore.
When I treat my body poorly, not eating well, not drinking water, drinking way too much diet soda, not making time for exercise and not getting enough sleep, I hear a voice in my head that says, "I know you won't do this forever. At some point it will feel better to drink more water and exercise and eat energy food than it does not to. Then you will change it."
I believe that about myself. I don't know if this is the year I truly start to do these things for myself, but there it is rattling around waiting for me to be ready.
4) Look into a part time office space. I love the flexibility of working from home, today I am not feeling well and have been writing in my bed in my pajamas. If there's a snow day or a sick kid, it's easy for me to work around it. I don't see myself handling any other situation very well. (I don't like surprises.)
However, since September I've realized how much I actually enjoy occasional interaction with other humans. The cats are wonderful of course but intensely lazy and nap inspiring. Also they don't get my jokes.
It's also good to have other like minded people to chat with during the day. When Maggie was here visiting I felt so inspired and writing up goods for Mighty Junior was great because I could throw out a half formed joke, get another half formed joke back and ta-da it's funnier than if I did it myself.
Plus my social life is way out of balance in comparison to my spouses and it's largely due to the fact that I do not work with 14 year olds. Actually forget all the other stuff about creativity and social interaction, I really want an office space for the happy hours.
Things I will do right now.
1) Hire a housekeeper.
I should be able to keep up with it but frankly I'm not very good at it and I can't function when the house is dirty. Especially since I work here and am here a lot of the day. This could also go under the heading of "Not being afraid to buy time for our family." Logan is very busy and wants to do a lot of stuff, if we have a day together as a family I don't want to spend it shoveling the walk and cleaning the bathrooms.
2) Go to bed at 10pm to read.
3) Work out three days a week. To facilitate this I am renting a locker at the gym and stocking it with doubles of all the toiletries I use to get ready in the morning. I will also head out immediately after the kids picked up in the morning.
4) Find a sitter we can hire for long weekend stays. Logan and I need to travel without kids at least once a year. The meltdown I had after New York showed me that quite clearly.
I hope 2008 is your best year yet and I hope at this time next year I'm saying, "Holy Crap! I thought 2007 was awesome but 2008 was the best! 2009 can't possibly be good. Ho Hum."
****Coming Next: Find out why kids aren't invited to parties! 12 adults and 17 kids for New Year's Eve is more chaotic and messy than it even sounds.
