Suburban Bliss:: Birth Control Via The Written Word

Smallish Whoopie Cushions

I had lunch today with someone I met through ((((Gasp)))) MOMS Club®!

I've been meaning to give you all an update on the MOMS Club® situation. The situation is: it appears to remain true that anyone can link anyone they feel like linking. Even if a large organization threatens you with legal action and says, they "will consult" their attorneys if you do not comply with their demands. Then, they'll change their story when you refuse to comply and will say something annoying like, "It's unfortunate you won't comply with my request. I'll be turning this matter over to the president of the MOMS Club® and it will be up to her if legal action will be taken."

Because, really, the truth is.....the person who contacted you was just really pissed off you had the nerve to say unpleasant things about people she likes and she had nothing better to do but email you with empty threats. Also, she never turned anything over to the 'President' because the entire thing was a big fat ball of annoying bull shit! Weeeee!

Lunch was lovely but I realized while we chatted, if someone I am talking to reads my website....we have very little to talk about because I only have about 5 stories to tell at any given time and I usually tell them on this website first. So conversation is seriously limited. But then on the way home from our lunch date I thought to myself, "Why don't you do more listening asshole?" Ha!

Let's see, something more pleasant. Last week I shoveled the Concrete Wonderland until I died. The amusing part of that is the part where I woke up in the morning and it was 55 degrees and also rained so all the snow and ice I'd methodically removed not even 12 hours before had melted anyway. God, that made me laugh....maniacally.

This morning I shoveled the Concrete Wonderland again and I have to tell you, I rule at shoveling. If it was something I could put on my resume, I would and I'd get an awesome job with that. Logan shovels the bare minimum. For example, we see the children in our neighborhood walking to school single file because The Robot shovels a narrow strip off the sidewalk. And that's all. He also shovels a path from the house to each of the cars and that's it. However, he does brush off both the cars before he leaves each day and also he sold $5000 in girl scout cookies today at work. I don't even want to know what he had to do to get that one $4000 order.

Logan sometimes complains about the way I do laundry. People, he doesn't like his jeans "TOTALLY BONE DRY!!!!!!!" When he complains about the way I do laundry I reply, "You should care for your delicate clothing yourself Princess."

And he generally does. So in that same way, really I have to suck it up and shovel the walks myself and I did...for an hour and a half I did. God bless my spine tomorrow morning.

Funny Conversation With Max:

I'm fully dressed and drying my hair in the bathroom post shower. Max knocks on the door and peeks in.

Max: "Why do moms have breast-ez?" [breasts I assume he meant]
Me: "Max they're for feeding babies, although I'm a horrible mother and never used them for that. But I do love you. I love you so much and I think you're so very smart. You're not gay because I didn't feed you from my breasts are you?"
Max: "Please stop oozing your mental instability all over me. Jesus."
Me: "Right. Well when a woman has a baby a mom's breasts make milk to feed the baby. [I left out the recreational part because I'm open minded, but what the fuck?]"
Max: "Then after you have a baby they're full of water?"
Me: "Not really."
Max: "They're full of air?"

Yes, Max, like smallish [in my case] whoopee cushions.

pbbbbbtttttthhhhhhh.

All I want for Christmas is a cease and desist letter.

Before this goes any further, the president of the local chapter of MOMS Club emailed me this morning because they "received an email from one of your "fans" claiming that we were hounding you about MOMS Club" She added the one she got "...yesterday was pretty nasty and foul..."

I just got a copy of the email forwarded to me and while I'd hardly call it "nasty" or "foul" (the MOMS need to toughen up a bit!) it is nonetheless totally uneccessary to email anyone on my behalf regarding this issue.

I appreciate the thought but the local chapter I have linked to on this website is not responsible for this harrassment. The International Organization is the only part of the group currently asking me, with threats of legal action, to remove the hypertext links from my website.

So promise me you won't send any more mail to the Berkley Chapter via their website. As I have repeatedly said there were (and still are) many women in the group I have liked, do like or at least respect. One of the people your hate mail has been directed to is one of the people in the group I do respect greatly.

Besides this is my disagreement and I intend to deal with it...and write about all the stupidity here. No email necessary!

Speaking of email!

Last night a few emails were shot my way from the same Area Coordinator who 'politely' asked me to remove the hypertext links to the Moms Club® website and the Local Chapter website.

She says, "While people do link to other websites and never ask permission, should one of the organizations or individuals you are linking to expressly forbid you to link their site, you are required to remove it."

According to what law is this the case? I'm extremely curious about this 'requirement'.

"We have had this issue within International MOMS Club® one other time and pursued legal action, so do know of what we speak." 

This is odd because I spent a few hours researching the legalities of hypertext links last night, and saw no mention of any case referring to International MOMS Club®. Perhaps I missed it, entirely possible.

"Per my higher-ups at International MOMS Club® you are once again being asked to remove any and all direct links from your website to the International MOMS Club® website as well as those to any local chapter of the organization.  I have been advised to let you know that should you ignore the request, MOMS Club's® lawyer will be contacted to pursue the matter further."

In my reply to this email I brought up this:

"I'm just surprised a non profit organization would take the time and money allocated to provide support to stay at home mothers to pursue making sure my little website doesn't hyperlink to the MOMS Club website."

I also brought up the fact that this type of email and the threats of legal action over a stupid link to their website tarnishes their 'image' far more than a hypertext link from my site ever could.

I also collected some links to send to Ms Asst. Area Coordinator, but then since I requested she not contact me further and instead had her organization's lawyer contact me with some sort of real legal issue, I thought it would be polite to give her the same consideration.

So I'll share here the information I found about the legal issues of links.

Alot has been written in Wired Magazine about the issue.

There was the issue about NPR's ridiculous link policy.

This one was titled, appropriately, A Big Stink Over A Simple Link.

Finally, this editorial is absolutely to the point.

A case which had gone to trial (in 6/02) is documented here. (He won his case.)

Some sites which clarify things like 'link law':

Chilling Effects

Google Directory.

Finally, my question for the MOMS Club® what exactly does my direct link to your website say about your organization? How will not having the link make any difference for the 'image' of MOMS Club®?

It seems to me this debacle is far more damaging to the MOMS Club® organization and it might be wiser to let it die and move right along rather than drag this out any further.

But then, that's just my two cents.

Gossip Geyser

I ask you Internet, with all the power of Al Gore, please send all of your positive energy, karma if you will, to my husband.

On to bitchier things!

Remember last week when the MOMS Club thing came up?

Well there are all these bitchy things I want to say about that situation but will it be interesting to read? Or will I just reveal myself to be as annoying and catty as those tongue wagging gossips?

Well yes, and I think I'm okay with that. For tonight. (For ever...but I won't always expect you to listen to it.)

Like I said before, in any group of people there are always bad apples. There are also lots of great people and usually you just kind of ignore the bad apples to enjoy the good people.

Sometimes though you put a group of mothers together in an organization founded on the principle that being a stay at home mother is the best way to raise kids, you may run into more than your fair share of jackassery.

Also, I am totally intolerant of gossips and most annoying people.

Sometimes being a stay at home mother can be a little boring and I guess what some stay at home mothers do when they're bored is talk about everyone else in the group in a bitchy manner.

I've alluded to one other incident of jackassery with the 'Breast is Best....Also Diet Coke!' lady, but there were other moments of jackassery, mostly when our group was made up of two cities.

Like this overzealous woman who made it her job to personally supervise every action, every email I sent, every event I organized.....sending me emails every other minute in a very control freakish kind of way to make sure I was doing things the way she thought best.

I call that time the 'FYI Era' because during that time I had one million emails from that woman which started with the phrases: "FYI" or "Did you realize...." or "My God I'm a busy body who has nothing better to do but go over everything you do with a fine tooth comb."

But then my favorite was the woman who had a constant stream of gossip spouting out of her face. A fountain of gossip and no one was free of her cattiness. Her best friend, the mailman, the women in our group she couldn't stand for whatever reason. Any time I saw her I did a mental countdown to see when she'd start spouting. A Gossip Geyser. She never disappointed.

I thought I'd left the 'FYI Era' behind and the 'Gossip Geyser' behind because Royal Oak got it's own group and the 'Gossip Geyser' and the 'FYI Emailer' were left behind to wag their tongues at each other in their very own MOMS club.

But oh no, she's still with me!

After I got the polite request to remove the name MOMS Club from my website at the request of a 'coordinator' I contacted the International MOMS Club about the issue. The regional coordinator had never heard of the issue....so I began to wonder who on earth told my chapter's president to ask me to remove the MOMS Club name from my website.

When the regional coordinator got back to me she revealed that it was SURPRISE! The Gossip Geyser who politely requested I remove the MOMS Club name from my website.

And surprise! The regional coordinator told me that she should never have made that request since this is a personal website. The Gossip Geyser retired her coordinator position. Over this? I'm unsure but now that I know she's reading I'm just tickled to have this forum to vent my intense annoyance with this annoying woman.

Why is she reading this site and why does she care if I mention MOMS Club? And if she cares so much about me mentioning the MOMS Club....why didn't she say something to me herself?

Answer: she's the Gossiping Geyser and she doesn't have time. She simply creates messes and then walks away.

And in the words of my robotic spouse, "Gah...just let it go."

And, though that's annoying as hell to hear him say, I have to agree. I need to just let it go....but the whole thing gives me such a pleasurable mix of irritation and glee and well the truth is....I've become one of those women with nothing better to do but wag my tongue about these annoying women.

That's why you must send up all your positive energy to whatever cosmos is involved in getting me a job and getting me the hell out of this house. Also I gave my official membership resignation last week because this is the kind of stupid thing I just can't participate in anymore.

Worst Playgroup Ever.

I joined my local MOMS Club when Max was just a baby and Maddie was about two and a half years old.

I joined the group even though I have a general disdain for large groups of women. I also tend to have a general distrust of mothers, especially mothers who stay at home because it's 'The Best Thing'. Because I don't actually believe there is such a thing.

But I joined the group anyway because, just like in every group, there are always some nice people. There may even be people who have a realistic view of motherhood. People who are maybe as frazzled and overwhelmed by the job as I am. Also, I'm lazy when it comes to making new friends. Setting up play dates makes me break into hives. With this group I am able to be a passive participant in social activities. I like that.

Of course that's not to say I have been a passive member of the group. I wrote the newsletter for many months. Created the calendar. Ran the babysitting co op. Hosted playgroups and planned field trips to bagel shops and farms. Threw holiday parties and sweated my ass off while doing it. I've been involved.

I've continued to participate in the MOMS Club, in spite of it's obvious failings, because I am socially lazy and this group allowed me a lazy social outlet. And honestly not all the mothers in the group are one dimensional. Some are funny and interesting and have a rich life outside of being a mother and I like those types of people.

But then there are other women in the group who...burn me up.

A few months ago I attended what may always be remembered in my personal log of experiences as "The Worst Playgroup Ever"

I haven't written about it until now because I was willing to give the situation and the woman involved a break. Perhaps I misunderstood her. Maybe she's just retarded and judgmental in this one area...not as a person overall. Also, as I've said many times, I only say things on this website I would be comfortable talking about in real life. Possibly with less swearing and taking of the lord's name in vain.

Obviously I don't talk about my father's suicide in general but if someone reads that about me, I'm no longer ashamed of that part of my history. My depression isn't something I talk about in general (it's, you know, kind of a drag?) but I'm not ashamed of it. I don't care if someone knows I'm depressed. It's an illness. Similarly, I am not ashamed for you to know I have a small head cold right now.

Recently I had 'words' with a member of "The Worst Playgroup Ever" and I said, in so many words: 'I don't like people who gossip. I want nothing to do with women who behave like you do.'

[I won't bore you with the details. This is a bored housewife with nothing better to do with her time but gossip and be generally annoying]

I have a friend who keeps plastic rats on her desk. When someone in the office does something stupid or annoying...she turns a rat over and that person is 'dead' to her. If I had a desk or plastic rats, this woman would be a dead rat on my desk.

Back to the "Worst Playgroup Ever."

It began with various stories of the most atrocious forms of mothering. Abusive mothers, stories from a social worker friend which were so stomach-turningly horrid, I began to wonder what could possibly be the point of sharing these kinds of stories?

Does this make us feel like better mothers because we wouldn't shake our babies and put them into a coma? Do we feel like better mothers because we're not living in poverty and addicted to drugs, neglecting our children while we try to get our next fix? YES you're a great mother! Do we need to discuss how horrible other mothers are to prove we're good mothers?

I don't know, as I sat and listened to this particular woman share horror story after horror story, my eyes began to glaze over and I felt my soul leave my body.

Soon the conversation moved on to breastfeeding.

Before I go further, you should know how much I TOTALLY LOVE BREASTFEEDING! I love it! I love boobs! And milk for babies from boobs is GREAT! I can't imagine anything better for a child! And if it works for you and your baby then WOOO HOOOO! I think that's great!

However, I also tend to see situations in shades of gray and I think breastfeeding isn't THE BEST THING, because as I said earlier...I don't believe there is such a thing, globally.

But this playgroup quickly went from HORRIBLE ABUSIVE MOTHERS (who make us feel more secure in our own mothering...I guess?) on to HORRIBLE MOTHERS WHO CHOOSE NOT TO BREASTFEED!

It started with polite disclaimers about 'I mean if you can't...well okay...but if you can, how could you not give this wonderful thing to your baby?'

Then it went onto, "My husband [a resident at the local hospital] says, it's the 'country club mothers' who are breastfeeding. Not the lower class."

Onto, "My husband tells the women he sees, 'This is a magic pill for your baby. Scientists can't create this and you can give it to your baby.' "

As this woman listed all the great things about breastfeeding, I stood up, grabbed a jump rope from the corner and hung myself. Right there in the middle of the living room.

Actually I said...in my dry and off handed way that's 'off putting' for stupid people who are making stupid sweeping statements to a group of women with several different experiences...."Well I didn't breastfeed and just look at my children...they're sickly! And STUPID!"

Awkward laughter followed.

At that point I grabbed a horse tranquilizer from my purse and jammed it into my thigh.

I thought perhaps the comment about how stupid and sickly my lower class formula fed children are would stop the boob lady from talking about how WONDERFUL the boobs are and how lower class people don't breastfeed their children. Not surprisingly, it didn't stop her. On and on she went.

But as she spoke, she grabbed her bottle of diet soda and filled her children's sippy cups with it. Her children are three years old and 13 months old.

I looked around the room, looking for someone else to notice the absurdity of this moment. Does anyone here see the absurdity of this?

Diet soda is better than formula feeding your baby? Is this the message here? How could you not breastfeed! How could you feed your child DIET SODA? Doesn't the caffeine and the aspartame and the nutrasweet and the acidic tooth eating carbonation kind of cancel out the Magic Pill of breastfeeding?

Even more so than the insane things you're putting in your child's breastfed body with a sippy cup of diet coke, my point is: We all make choices and sometimes those choices may not be 'As Good' as another. But there are several factors that go into our decisions and we're all doing the best we can.

My kids were formula fed and formula isn't 'As Good' as breast milk. But then diet soda isn't 'As Good' as a lot of other child friendly beverage choices...and I don't give my kids soda. So maybe, in the end, it all kind of balances out.

We're all really just doing the best we can.

Well we're all doing the best we can and then some of us are being extraordinarily judgmental (and also as gossipy as a school girl) and making our own set of choices that may not always be 'The Best'.